Thursday, May 10, 2007

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things about GREENTUNA
Thirteen Things I Could Do Without Hearing Ever Again

1. "Heart and Soul" Played By Anyone Under the Age of 16
I don't know how it happened, but Heart and Soul is the most hated piece in the kingdom of hated piano pieces. What's even worse, is its performance requires the combined lack of talent of not one but two people. At the sight of an empty keyboard, the starter pounds out the siren call of bump-ba-BUMP-ba, bump-ba-BUMP-ba, bump-ba-BUMP-ba, bump-ba-BUMP-ba until someone else shows up and excitedly sits themselves at the uppermost keys, ready to add their special touch. It doesn't take long for the whole thing to fall apart, but does that stop them? NO! It makes them play louder, as if one set of loud bad notes will triumph over the other. They may be the coalition of the willing, but every time I hear it, I'm the coalition of willing to kill for less.

2. Street Sweepers at 4:00 am
4:00 am is not sweeping time. It's sleeping time. And while it would be pretty inconvenient for a street sweeper to be puttering along a busy road during morning rush hour, there just has to be some better time for a rumbling sweeper creeping at 5mph than the middle of the night. Even the dirt is sleeping.

3. Cell Phone Conversations in Public Restrooms
I've come to peace (somewhat) with total strangers walking past me saying "Hello!" and me answering in kind before I realized they were talking on the phone and not to me. But yakking on a cell phone in a public restroom is going too far. I was commiserating on this very topic with a coworker who was beside herself because she needed to "do her business" in the privacy of a bathroom and she didn't want it broadcast over the phone. While I appreciate her sense of civility, it seems to me if someone is bound and determined to reach out and touch someone while they're in a public bathroom, I'm not going to turn my colon inside-out trying to be quiet. You have been warned.

4. Car Dealership commercials that include cowboy hats, Halloween costumes, or anyone whose name is preceded by the word "Crazy"
Because you know, I get all of these around here. There is the cowboy car dealer. There is the fat guy in a bad Batman suit car dealer, and I'm sure there has to be one Crazy Larry around these parts somewhere. My friends, these are the people for whom the TV mute button was created.

5. "Rob and Amber...You're Team Number ONE!"
Luckily, I didn't have to hear that too often during Amazing Race All-Stars. Thank you, Romber, for sucking a whole lot more this season. It made it much more fun to watch.

6. "And now, The President of the United States...."
This is one of the few reasons I'll actually turn off the television, because it's good to keep that old blood pressure down.

7. Fussy People at Concerts
Notice I didn't say fussy babies. Babies shouldn't be at concerts at all, at any time, ever. However, I'd love to see Auditorium Etiquette as required curriculum for grades K-12, with required remedial courses for adults. With TV, DVDs, TiVO and the like, I'm convinced that nobody knows how to act during a live performance. Even the Boston Pops had a big problem last night with unruly concert-goers. Really it's simple: Unless there is fire, blood or dead bodies, keep the mouth shut, and everybody stays happy.

8. The University Carillon clanking out a medley from "Fiddler on the Roof"
Carillons are meant to play a specific style of music that is meant to sound good (or at least somewhat decent) on the instrument. This, however, does not, or more specifically should not include show tunes and jazz standards. Unless, maybe the show is "Bells are Ringing". On second thought, no.

9. "You're Watching the Disney Channel!!"

Oh no I'm not.

10. NOO-cue-ler
Repeat after me Mr. President:

11. "Mack the Knife" sung at Karaoke Night

Granted, Karaoke night is enough to send me over the edge as it is. But why is it that every drunken tone deaf male feels compelled to sing Mack The Knife -- a totally fabulous 97-verse song made famous by lots of people who actually could sing. I suppose I should be thankful that The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (clocking in at 6:14) isn't big on the Karaoke circuit.

12. "BUT, MOM!!!"
Every time I hear this my hackles are raised, my teeth are on edge and phasers are set to stun.

13. "Scooch down."
If this phrase is not familiar to you, thank your lucky stars that you've never had girl's day at the doctor's office. I'm just sayin.....

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Marie said...

Street Sweepers, those loud blowers, Cell Phone Conversations in Public Restrooms (aren't they annoying?), Car Dealership commercials, NOO-cue-ler (hilarious!!!), "BUT, MOM!!!" . . . aaarrrrgh.... tell me about it!!!! they are so irritating to the ears!!!! great T13 list this week!!!

Julie said...

Scooching is absolutely the last thing I ever want to hear about and/or do, especially when combined with the "this will hurt only a little".

lifeonhold said...

Oh how I hate cell conversation in public rest rooms.

I think someone should invent a "wet fart whistle" that we could all carry when we go to the john. If we encounter a phone user we can all blow the whistle if our own biology will not step up.

A concerted effort by a vocal (hee) bathroom-going populace would end the cell phone practice.

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Four AM street sweepers??? Where on Earth do you live??? And who the hell pays those people?? (and why do they get overtime for that late hour?)

Happy TT!

kuanyin333 said...

This was hilarious and spot-on...loved them all! Happy TT!

Anonymous said...

Amen to #s 2, 3, 5 and 7! Glad to see you back blogging!

Mercy's Maid said...

Very funny list. I've got your crazy Larry. It's a guy I dated once. Too funny.

Mz Jackson said...

ooo, I hate it when they tell me to scooch down! grrr!

Anonymous said...

Now this list is FANTASTIC. So agree with you on every single one, but the nuclear thing...HA HA HA HA HA (sorry). Looking at your list of sources (Wonkette, the huffpost, the general etc) I can see we are on the same wavelength.

Anonymous said...

Nice ot see I'm not th eonly one who hated Romber! see

great TT

Mitchypoo said...

#13 is hilarious! I hate it too! Great list! Come by and visit my TT if you get a chance!