Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Not Even for a Second!!

Fact: Colleges and universities are institutions of higher learning
Implied Truism: People aren't very smart when they arrive.

Fact: Students are often away from adult supervision for the first time.
Implied Truism: Teacher AND Parent? Whee.

Fact: Theft is rampant, especially towards the end of the term.
Implied Truism: Eight hours to collect 300 pop bottles, or thirty seconds to snatch a textbook and resell it for beer money. You do the math.

Here at TunaU, amongst the emails detailing work procedures, meetings and the likes, we also get police reports. Nine out of ten times, these deal with theft. If the student/victim is lucky, it was only a textbook. If the student/victim was extra stupid, it was their laptop. Incident reports generally include a description along the lines of:

Patron left their
  • textbook
  • laptop
  • leather jacket
  • PhD Dissertation
  • wallet with wads of money falling out
on the table unattended while they
  • went to the opposite side of the building for an hour
  • went to the bathroom for an hour
  • went to the cafe for an hour to eat
  • went to the stairwell to talk on their phone for an hour
  • went to the front door to pick up their pizza
and when they came back
  • it was gone.
  • it was gone.
  • it was gone.
  • it was gone.
  • it was gone.

Now, I'm not amazed that things get stolen. I'm amazed that students are dumb enough to leave them sitting around. Somehow they are under the delusion that their belongings don some sort of force field of invulnerability once their owners step away for a pee, a smoke, three phone calls and a frappacchino with whip.

It is at this point that the college steps in with a one-two punch of education and surrogate parenting. Mostly this is done with big signs on all the entrance doors reminding students not to leave their stuff unattended. Not even for a second!!

Yes, it says that.

Yesterday afternoon, I left my desk and traveled across the hall to the ladies room. I entered stall #3, thus following the unwritten rule of leaving one stall empty as a buffer. I noticed something taped to the inside of the stall door (unusual!) but couldn't read it since it was at knee-height.

Once I had assumed the position (as it were), the sign was now directly at eye-level

Do not leave your belongings unattended!
Not even for a second!!!

The warning (or helpful advice, depending on how you look at it) was accompanied by a graphic of an evil stick person (pointy eyebrows, jagged jack-o-lantern mouth, you know the drill) against the background of a brick wall. He looked like he was running away with a TV, but it was probably meant to be a laptop. Or a large textbook. Or a pizza.

As I sat there, I just couldn't believe it. Sure, it's stupid to leave valuables laying around for evil stick people to steal. But it's even stupider to place a sign of warning inside a toilet stall, at knee level, thus ensuring the readee would have to be sitting, in a compromised position, most likely in the middle of personal business just to read the damn thing.

Obviously people aren't using their brain.
Not even for a second!!

Not Even for a Second!!

Fact: Colleges and universities are institutions of higher learning
Implied Truism: People aren't very smart when they arrive.

Fact: Students are often away from adult supervision for the first time.
Implied Truism: Teacher AND Parent? Whee.

Fact: Theft is rampant, especially towards the end of the term.
Implied Truism: Eight hours to collect 300 pop bottles, or thirty seconds to snatch a textbook and resell it for beer money. You do the math.

Here at TunaU, amongst the emails detailing work procedures, meetings and the likes, we also get police reports. Nine out of ten times, these deal with theft. If the student/victim is lucky, it was only a textbook. If the student/victim was extra stupid, it was their laptop. Incident reports generally include a description along the lines of:

Patron left their
  • textbook
  • laptop
  • leather jacket
  • PhD Dissertation
  • wallet with wads of money falling out
on the table unattended while they
  • went to the opposite side of the building for an hour
  • went to the bathroom for an hour
  • went to the cafe for an hour to eat
  • went to the stairwell to talk on their phone for an hour
  • went to the front door to pick up their pizza
and when they came back
  • it was gone.
  • it was gone.
  • it was gone.
  • it was gone.
  • it was gone.

Now, I'm not amazed that things get stolen. I'm amazed that students are dumb enough to leave them sitting around. Somehow they are under the delusion that their belongings don some sort of force field of invulnerability once their owners step away for a pee, a smoke, three phone calls and a frappacchino with whip.

It is at this point that the college steps in with a one-two punch of education and surrogate parenting. Mostly this is done with big signs on all the entrance doors reminding students not to leave their stuff unattended. Not even for a second!!

Yes, it says that.

Yesterday afternoon, I left my desk and traveled across the hall to the ladies room. I entered stall #3, thus following the unwritten rule of leaving one stall empty as a buffer. I noticed something taped to the inside of the stall door (unusual!) but couldn't read it since it was at knee-height.

Once I had assumed the position (as it were), the sign was now directly at eye-level

Do not leave your belongings unattended!
Not even for a second!!!

The warning (or helpful advice, depending on how you look at it) was accompanied by a graphic of an evil stick person (pointy eyebrows, jagged jack-o-lantern mouth, you know the drill) against the background of a brick wall. He looked like he was running away with a TV, but it was probably meant to be a laptop. Or a large textbook. Or a pizza.

As I sat there, I just couldn't believe it. Sure, it's stupid to leave valuables laying around for evil stick people to steal. But it's even stupider to place a sign of warning inside a toilet stall, at knee level, thus ensuring the readee would have to be sitting, in a compromised position, most likely in the middle of personal business just to read the damn thing.

Obviously people aren't using their brain.
Not even for a second!!

Monday, February 27, 2006

Mixed Reviews

In my mad dash to catch up on Oscar films before Sunday I rented a wad of DVDs. Today's reviews include:

Thumbs Up: "Millions"
Sadly, this isn't an Oscar film. I rented it because I thought I read somewhere that one of the nominees for Best Animated Short was included with the film. Alas, somebody LIED, because it was animation-free. Despite that disappointment, I give it two Tuna Fins way, way up. I don't want to give anything away, but I will say it was well-written, very well acted and entirely enjoyable. Lots of good quotable lines down the road, and I especially liked St. Peter's version of the story of Loaves and Fishes.

Thumbs Off: "Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room"
Nominated for best documentary, this didn't even achieve a full showing. Considering what an enormous business and human scandal this story was, the film was drier than dust. What it really needed was some Emperor Penguins marching through.

My Oscar film count is now up to eight out of a total 54 nominated. That's only 15% which is still pretty sad. Six days to go....

Remember to make your PICKS!

Mixed Reviews

In my mad dash to catch up on Oscar films before Sunday I rented a wad of DVDs. Today's reviews include:

Thumbs Up: "Millions"
Sadly, this isn't an Oscar film. I rented it because I thought I read somewhere that one of the nominees for Best Animated Short was included with the film. Alas, somebody LIED, because it was animation-free. Despite that disappointment, I give it two Tuna Fins way, way up. I don't want to give anything away, but I will say it was well-written, very well acted and entirely enjoyable. Lots of good quotable lines down the road, and I especially liked St. Peter's version of the story of Loaves and Fishes.

Thumbs Off: "Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room"
Nominated for best documentary, this didn't even achieve a full showing. Considering what an enormous business and human scandal this story was, the film was drier than dust. What it really needed was some Emperor Penguins marching through.

My Oscar film count is now up to eight out of a total 54 nominated. That's only 15% which is still pretty sad. Six days to go....

Remember to make your PICKS!

Oscar! Oscar!

Honey...I'm Home!



It's that time again for GreenTuna's Oscar Derby 2006.

Click on the Handy Dandy LINK and make your selections.

It's free AND It's fun!

Play more than once. Play your favorites, and then play what you think those voting types are going to pick. However, points will only be awarded to those categories actually winning a shiny golden statue.

Haven't seen the movies? It doesn't matter!
(Seriously, of ALL the different movies nominated in ALL 26 categories, I've seen a grand total of seven: Penguins, Wallace & Grommit, Corpse Bride, Narnia, Brokeback, Crash and Harry Potter. I'm WAY behind!)

Guesses are free!

Votes will be compiled by the accounting firm of Tuna and Tuna Inc. Results will be posted throughout the evening as we live-blog the festivities away.

Prizes? Well, I don't know. I guess I'll think of something.

Remember, You Can't Win if You Don't Play!

Oscar Derby forms courtesy of The Defective Yeti.

Oscar! Oscar!

Honey...I'm Home!



It's that time again for GreenTuna's Oscar Derby 2006.

Click on the Handy Dandy LINK and make your selections.

It's free AND It's fun!

Play more than once. Play your favorites, and then play what you think those voting types are going to pick. However, points will only be awarded to those categories actually winning a shiny golden statue.

Haven't seen the movies? It doesn't matter!
(Seriously, of ALL the different movies nominated in ALL 26 categories, I've seen a grand total of seven: Penguins, Wallace & Grommit, Corpse Bride, Narnia, Brokeback, Crash and Harry Potter. I'm WAY behind!)

Guesses are free!

Votes will be compiled by the accounting firm of Tuna and Tuna Inc. Results will be posted throughout the evening as we live-blog the festivities away.

Prizes? Well, I don't know. I guess I'll think of something.

Remember, You Can't Win if You Don't Play!

Oscar Derby forms courtesy of The Defective Yeti.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... AND YOU THINK:

1. Baby Step :: Just starting

2. Wasted :: Away again in Margaritaville

3. Reggie :: Jackson

4. Pitiful :: Pathetic

5. Acting Out :: Tantrum

6. Tomato :: ToMAHto

7. Bad Night :: See "wasted" above

8. Trip :: And Fall

9. Finance Charges :: Gouging

10. Sport :: Olympics


Because I'm fairly sleepy at the moment, I'll have to look at the other responders and see if anybody made the same mistake I did. For #3, I wrote Jamaica until I noticed my goof. It seems this list doesn't really have a theme, but 1, 5, 7 and 9 are all alternate ways of expressing something else -- sometimes something else bad. 10 and 8 are also related (Ice Dancing, anyone?), and if you don't agree, well, Tomato, ToMAHto baybee.

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... AND YOU THINK:

1. Baby Step :: Just starting

2. Wasted :: Away again in Margaritaville

3. Reggie :: Jackson

4. Pitiful :: Pathetic

5. Acting Out :: Tantrum

6. Tomato :: ToMAHto

7. Bad Night :: See "wasted" above

8. Trip :: And Fall

9. Finance Charges :: Gouging

10. Sport :: Olympics


Because I'm fairly sleepy at the moment, I'll have to look at the other responders and see if anybody made the same mistake I did. For #3, I wrote Jamaica until I noticed my goof. It seems this list doesn't really have a theme, but 1, 5, 7 and 9 are all alternate ways of expressing something else -- sometimes something else bad. 10 and 8 are also related (Ice Dancing, anyone?), and if you don't agree, well, Tomato, ToMAHto baybee.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Einstein Quotes for $200



Stolen from Scalzi.
Want to play? Make him write it down HERE.
Nobody does it better than Bart.

Einstein Quotes for $200



Stolen from Scalzi.
Want to play? Make him write it down HERE.
Nobody does it better than Bart.

A Story of Joy

(annotated by GreenTuna)

Hello! Tinytuna here again. I come to you with a different story tonight. A story of joy, and love. But may I remind you that this is not a novel of romance. I come to you with two latest stories of things that have happened to me earlier in the year.
(...in the past two weeks)

1. The first story I am going to tell you, includes a dinner, friends, and a heartbreaking answer. The choir that I am in, The MSU Children's Choir, was nominated for TWO Grammy Awards in January. Anyone from the choir was invited to come to a dinner to hear the answer of a lifetime. The reaction to this answer was superb. It was announced that the MSUCC, had won BOTH the Grammys!!!! Me and my friends went crazy! Everybody had tears, and there were hugs and "Congratulations!" spreading everywhere.
(No kidding. An 11-year old Grammy award winner. Sheesh!)

2. The second story I am going to tell you includes Broadway. Way back in December, we learned that 20 children from the choir, were going to be in the Broadway musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Everyone was longing for this opportunity. We didn't find out until February 21st. Among the children, I was one of them!!!!!
(Not surprisingly, she was WAY more excited about Joseph than the Grammy. Priorities, you know. And FYI, the Joseph for this touring company is Patrick Cassidy (Hardy Boy #2) and the narrator is Amy whats-her-name from American Idol Season 1)

That is all the news for the night. I bid you adue!!
(To yue and yue and yue!)

A Story of Joy

(annotated by GreenTuna)

Hello! Tinytuna here again. I come to you with a different story tonight. A story of joy, and love. But may I remind you that this is not a novel of romance. I come to you with two latest stories of things that have happened to me earlier in the year.
(...in the past two weeks)

1. The first story I am going to tell you, includes a dinner, friends, and a heartbreaking answer. The choir that I am in, The MSU Children's Choir, was nominated for TWO Grammy Awards in January. Anyone from the choir was invited to come to a dinner to hear the answer of a lifetime. The reaction to this answer was superb. It was announced that the MSUCC, had won BOTH the Grammys!!!! Me and my friends went crazy! Everybody had tears, and there were hugs and "Congratulations!" spreading everywhere.
(No kidding. An 11-year old Grammy award winner. Sheesh!)

2. The second story I am going to tell you includes Broadway. Way back in December, we learned that 20 children from the choir, were going to be in the Broadway musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Everyone was longing for this opportunity. We didn't find out until February 21st. Among the children, I was one of them!!!!!
(Not surprisingly, she was WAY more excited about Joseph than the Grammy. Priorities, you know. And FYI, the Joseph for this touring company is Patrick Cassidy (Hardy Boy #2) and the narrator is Amy whats-her-name from American Idol Season 1)

That is all the news for the night. I bid you adue!!
(To yue and yue and yue!)

Friday Feast

For once, I'm ahead of the game...

Appetizer: Choose one: moving to another state, having triplets or never being able to eat chocolate again.
If all three of these are supposed to be horrible, terrible, no good choices and I still have to pick one, this is easy. Never being able to eat chocolate again. I'm not a chocoholic, and I really wouldn't miss it. Now, the whole notion of triplets? That gives me the willies.

Soup: Name a news story that truly shocked you.
After Abu Ghraib, after releasing the identity of CIA Agents, after illegal wiretapping, after a city that drowned while the administration hunted and fished, after selling national port controls to The UAE, after shooting people and not speaking to the police for over 24 hours, after watching an economic surplus turn into a record deficit, after a war that pursued fictitious WMDs...what's left to be truly shocking? "Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job!"

Salad: What was your very first job
Assuming babysitting doesn't count, my very first job, obtained on my very first day of being 16 years old, was working in the dining room of a retirement center. It was exhausting and it was frustrating, but I met some really wonderful people.

Main Course: If you had the chance to read the diary of someone you're really close to, would you? Why or why not?
Not. If I were really close to someone, I wouldn't need to read their diary because I'd either already know everything I wanted to know, or would be secure enough not to need any more.

Dessert: What is something you're looking forward to?
Howard's Pub. Ghost walks. Lighthouses, beaches and oceans. Coming June, 2006.

Friday Feast

For once, I'm ahead of the game...

Appetizer: Choose one: moving to another state, having triplets or never being able to eat chocolate again.
If all three of these are supposed to be horrible, terrible, no good choices and I still have to pick one, this is easy. Never being able to eat chocolate again. I'm not a chocoholic, and I really wouldn't miss it. Now, the whole notion of triplets? That gives me the willies.

Soup: Name a news story that truly shocked you.
After Abu Ghraib, after releasing the identity of CIA Agents, after illegal wiretapping, after a city that drowned while the administration hunted and fished, after selling national port controls to The UAE, after shooting people and not speaking to the police for over 24 hours, after watching an economic surplus turn into a record deficit, after a war that pursued fictitious WMDs...what's left to be truly shocking? "Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job!"

Salad: What was your very first job
Assuming babysitting doesn't count, my very first job, obtained on my very first day of being 16 years old, was working in the dining room of a retirement center. It was exhausting and it was frustrating, but I met some really wonderful people.

Main Course: If you had the chance to read the diary of someone you're really close to, would you? Why or why not?
Not. If I were really close to someone, I wouldn't need to read their diary because I'd either already know everything I wanted to know, or would be secure enough not to need any more.

Dessert: What is something you're looking forward to?
Howard's Pub. Ghost walks. Lighthouses, beaches and oceans. Coming June, 2006.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Idol Ramblings

I still have a few minutes and must vent my spleen regarding what little bit of American Idol I happened to see last night. Sadly, I missed the women's portion the other night, so I'm only going to complain about some of the men. Also, I don't know (nearly) anybody's name yet, so you'll have to bear with me.

1. Copacabana Guy
This was wrong on so many counts it's hard to know where to start. Nobody should sing Barry Manilow on American Idol unless it's forced upon you. I'm not violently Anti-Manilow, but I just may be violently Ant-Copacabana. And Idol Wannabe? Your ability to boldly sing where no key has gone before is no any way to win friends. The comment was made last night that you reminded some of John Candy. I'm thinking more Jiminy Glick. And you'd better get your 15 minutes in now, because I see a big boot in your future.

2. Young Looking Guy Who Sang Like A Bad Elvis
Paula Abdul called you "Bobby Brady." I think you owe Bobby Brady an apology. And Elvis. And The Rat Pack. And the audience. Crazy Little Thing Called Love? You were singing something closer to Crazy Little Thing called so much tension that my entire head shakes at the end of every phrase and Lord knows, that is NOT a good sign.

3. Really Really Young Looking Guy With the Big Owl Glasses
I know. Last season they loved Anthony Federov ("A-Fed" to the hipsters. Trach boy to me). He was young and baby-faced and cute as a button. But really, really young guy with big owl glasses? You kind of creep me out. You looked so little and scared and alone up there. I can only imagine your home life is full of dominating adults screaming "Dance for Grandma" all day long. Your dark haired waif-like appearance first made me think that maybe you lived under the cupboard, but your scary expressions made me worry that you might wish me into the cornfield. You might last one more week, but EEEK!

4. Ace Singtura who sang George Michael
I'm going to forgive the fact that your name is "Ace." You not only sing well, but you are one handsomely tall drink of water. MMMmmmmmm.

5. Bald Rocker With the Soul Patch
I'm going to forgive the soul patch, which on general principles, I despise. You also sang really, really well, and started to erase the horrific nightmare that was that other rocker guy from last year who was not Bo. (See? I've already forgotten his name. This is a good thing)

6. Last Guy of the Night with Grey Hair
We are torn about you, oh last guy of the night. First of all, you look like you're 52. Yes, gray hair is distinguished looking, but this isn't Senior Citizen's Idol, so you might want to look into some Grecian formula for men. Your voice isn't all bad, but it isn't stellar either. However, you've got to do something about your delivery and stage presence. My thought last night was that you were an odd combination of Joe Cocker and Bob Dylan, meaning we didn't understand a single thing that came out of your mouth. And your moves (if I can call them that) consisted of that anguished deep knee bend thing, that made it look like you had to take a dump the entire time. Soooo, lose the squat thrusts and find some consonants, mmmkay?

Idol Ramblings

I still have a few minutes and must vent my spleen regarding what little bit of American Idol I happened to see last night. Sadly, I missed the women's portion the other night, so I'm only going to complain about some of the men. Also, I don't know (nearly) anybody's name yet, so you'll have to bear with me.

1. Copacabana Guy
This was wrong on so many counts it's hard to know where to start. Nobody should sing Barry Manilow on American Idol unless it's forced upon you. I'm not violently Anti-Manilow, but I just may be violently Ant-Copacabana. And Idol Wannabe? Your ability to boldly sing where no key has gone before is no any way to win friends. The comment was made last night that you reminded some of John Candy. I'm thinking more Jiminy Glick. And you'd better get your 15 minutes in now, because I see a big boot in your future.

2. Young Looking Guy Who Sang Like A Bad Elvis
Paula Abdul called you "Bobby Brady." I think you owe Bobby Brady an apology. And Elvis. And The Rat Pack. And the audience. Crazy Little Thing Called Love? You were singing something closer to Crazy Little Thing called so much tension that my entire head shakes at the end of every phrase and Lord knows, that is NOT a good sign.

3. Really Really Young Looking Guy With the Big Owl Glasses
I know. Last season they loved Anthony Federov ("A-Fed" to the hipsters. Trach boy to me). He was young and baby-faced and cute as a button. But really, really young guy with big owl glasses? You kind of creep me out. You looked so little and scared and alone up there. I can only imagine your home life is full of dominating adults screaming "Dance for Grandma" all day long. Your dark haired waif-like appearance first made me think that maybe you lived under the cupboard, but your scary expressions made me worry that you might wish me into the cornfield. You might last one more week, but EEEK!

4. Ace Singtura who sang George Michael
I'm going to forgive the fact that your name is "Ace." You not only sing well, but you are one handsomely tall drink of water. MMMmmmmmm.

5. Bald Rocker With the Soul Patch
I'm going to forgive the soul patch, which on general principles, I despise. You also sang really, really well, and started to erase the horrific nightmare that was that other rocker guy from last year who was not Bo. (See? I've already forgotten his name. This is a good thing)

6. Last Guy of the Night with Grey Hair
We are torn about you, oh last guy of the night. First of all, you look like you're 52. Yes, gray hair is distinguished looking, but this isn't Senior Citizen's Idol, so you might want to look into some Grecian formula for men. Your voice isn't all bad, but it isn't stellar either. However, you've got to do something about your delivery and stage presence. My thought last night was that you were an odd combination of Joe Cocker and Bob Dylan, meaning we didn't understand a single thing that came out of your mouth. And your moves (if I can call them that) consisted of that anguished deep knee bend thing, that made it look like you had to take a dump the entire time. Soooo, lose the squat thrusts and find some consonants, mmmkay?

For Those Considering Relocation

All hail Queen Cut-and-Paste! Yes, my time is so limited today (Teaching -- but my current student has the plague so I'm choosing to spend my time here rather than do anything constructive) I'm copying emails instead of coming up with anything original.

Did we miss your state? Add to the list in the comments!
(Thanks GramTuna, for the forward)


You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
  • 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. :-)
  • 2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
  • 3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
  • 4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
  • 5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
  • 6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
  • 7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
  • 8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
  • 9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
  • 10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You can Live in California where...
  • 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
  • 2 The high school quarterback calls a time out to answer his cell phone .
  • 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  • 4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  • 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...
  • 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
  • 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building .
  • 3. You can get into a four hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  • 4 You think Central Park is "nature,"
  • 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  • 6. You've worn out a car horn.
  • 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
  • 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
  • 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  • 3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
  • 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  • 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
  • 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  • 2."y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
  • 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are Ya?"
  • 4 "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
  • 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
  • 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  • 2... You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
  • 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  • 4... The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
  • 1. You've never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  • 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  • 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  • 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  • 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...
  • 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
  • 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
  • 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  • 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  • 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

For Those Considering Relocation

All hail Queen Cut-and-Paste! Yes, my time is so limited today (Teaching -- but my current student has the plague so I'm choosing to spend my time here rather than do anything constructive) I'm copying emails instead of coming up with anything original.

Did we miss your state? Add to the list in the comments!
(Thanks GramTuna, for the forward)


You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
  • 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. :-)
  • 2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
  • 3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
  • 4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
  • 5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
  • 6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
  • 7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
  • 8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
  • 9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
  • 10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You can Live in California where...
  • 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
  • 2 The high school quarterback calls a time out to answer his cell phone .
  • 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  • 4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  • 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...
  • 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
  • 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building .
  • 3. You can get into a four hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  • 4 You think Central Park is "nature,"
  • 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  • 6. You've worn out a car horn.
  • 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
  • 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
  • 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  • 3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
  • 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  • 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
  • 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  • 2."y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
  • 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are Ya?"
  • 4 "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
  • 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
  • 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  • 2... You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
  • 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  • 4... The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
  • 1. You've never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  • 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  • 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  • 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  • 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...
  • 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
  • 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
  • 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  • 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  • 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Lies Shack

I must admit, I laughed out loud this morning when I heard the tragic tale of David Edmondson, CEO of that venerable institution Radio Shack. It seems that Mr. CEO, having been caught with a professional resume that is more fiction than fact, has stepped down from his post.

He lied on his resume for RADIO SHACK.

I would have never guessed The Shack had such stringent employment requirements. Based on my local Shack, I thought employment requirements were limited to:
  • Must own one clip-on tie.
  • Must own at least one remote-controlled toy. Bonus points if it is a dinosaur.
  • Successful completion of the following essay: X-Box or Playstation, Which is the one true chick magnet?
  • Successful completion of the following essay: What is a chick magnet?
  • Completion of the training series: 1001 things to do with gold-plated S-Video cables.
I can't believe someone in the corporate hierarchy didn't smell something fishy on Mr. Edmondson's Shack-sume. After all, he claims to have received degrees in both Psychology and Theology. Sadly, Pacific Coast Baptist College offers no degrees in Psychology, and Heartland Baptist Bible College says he never received a theology degree.

Ouch.

Now, I've aided and abetted others in their pursuits of employment glory. I was always quite proud that I was able to transform stamping and counting daily forms into "statistical analysis." But for the Love of Moses, if you're gonna out and out lie, don't do it with a RELIGION DEGREE. Someone might put a hit out on you with a burning bush. Pick a lie that's at least plausible. Backwards Radio Shack Loner With No Social Graces? Magic Eight Ball Says: Engineering!

Now that Mr. Edmondson has a whole buncha spare time on his hands, maybe he'll go back and get those pesky degrees he could only dream up before.

Well, after he finishes Midtown Madness 3.

Even Shacksters have priorities.

The Lies Shack

I must admit, I laughed out loud this morning when I heard the tragic tale of David Edmondson, CEO of that venerable institution Radio Shack. It seems that Mr. CEO, having been caught with a professional resume that is more fiction than fact, has stepped down from his post.

He lied on his resume for RADIO SHACK.

I would have never guessed The Shack had such stringent employment requirements. Based on my local Shack, I thought employment requirements were limited to:
  • Must own one clip-on tie.
  • Must own at least one remote-controlled toy. Bonus points if it is a dinosaur.
  • Successful completion of the following essay: X-Box or Playstation, Which is the one true chick magnet?
  • Successful completion of the following essay: What is a chick magnet?
  • Completion of the training series: 1001 things to do with gold-plated S-Video cables.
I can't believe someone in the corporate hierarchy didn't smell something fishy on Mr. Edmondson's Shack-sume. After all, he claims to have received degrees in both Psychology and Theology. Sadly, Pacific Coast Baptist College offers no degrees in Psychology, and Heartland Baptist Bible College says he never received a theology degree.

Ouch.

Now, I've aided and abetted others in their pursuits of employment glory. I was always quite proud that I was able to transform stamping and counting daily forms into "statistical analysis." But for the Love of Moses, if you're gonna out and out lie, don't do it with a RELIGION DEGREE. Someone might put a hit out on you with a burning bush. Pick a lie that's at least plausible. Backwards Radio Shack Loner With No Social Graces? Magic Eight Ball Says: Engineering!

Now that Mr. Edmondson has a whole buncha spare time on his hands, maybe he'll go back and get those pesky degrees he could only dream up before.

Well, after he finishes Midtown Madness 3.

Even Shacksters have priorities.

Great Choppers in History

The more I thought about my loud chopping escapades of yesterday, the more I realized I was honoring my glorious heritage AND being a Good American. To whit, I bring you Great, Loud and/or Annoying Choppers in History:



GEORGE WASHINGTON
(and yesterday was President's Day, Yo)



Henry VIII
(or more technically Henry VIII's Black Hooded Flunkie)


The Queen of Hearts


The Military
(pick your branch)


Julie Chen

Great Choppers in History

The more I thought about my loud chopping escapades of yesterday, the more I realized I was honoring my glorious heritage AND being a Good American. To whit, I bring you Great, Loud and/or Annoying Choppers in History:



GEORGE WASHINGTON
(and yesterday was President's Day, Yo)



Henry VIII
(or more technically Henry VIII's Black Hooded Flunkie)


The Queen of Hearts


The Military
(pick your branch)


Julie Chen

Monday, February 20, 2006

Because It's All Part of My Evil Plot to Make You Fail

File this under, "Um....ok."

A hella cranky student patron just complained that I was chopping paper too loudly.

I told him where he should go.

(TO STUDY)

Where it would be quiet.

He didn't like my suggestions.

I told him unfortunately (for him), when you set up camp right next to a reference desk, you'll hear questions, answers, general conversation, phones ringing, AND YES....paper chopping.

So he packed up his Samsonite wheelie luggage and huffed off towards the end of the room.

And now I'm going to chop some more.

And my student shelving books down by the end of the room.

So much work to do. So little time.

Because It's All Part of My Evil Plot to Make You Fail

File this under, "Um....ok."

A hella cranky student patron just complained that I was chopping paper too loudly.

I told him where he should go.

(TO STUDY)

Where it would be quiet.

He didn't like my suggestions.

I told him unfortunately (for him), when you set up camp right next to a reference desk, you'll hear questions, answers, general conversation, phones ringing, AND YES....paper chopping.

So he packed up his Samsonite wheelie luggage and huffed off towards the end of the room.

And now I'm going to chop some more.

And my student shelving books down by the end of the room.

So much work to do. So little time.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Unconscious Mutterings

I shiver ... And you freeze:

1. Right time :: Wrong place

2. Funeral :: Celebration of Life


3. Calculate :: Figure

4. Believe me :: Honest!


5. Chat :: ICQ

6. Anniversary :: Date

7. Let you down :: Disappoint

8. Shout :: Twist and

9. Sweatsock :: Does anybody call them sweatsocks anymore?

10. Prayer :: Conversation


So many of my answers are song lyrics, and now I can't get Right Time, Wrong Place out of my head. It should make for an interesting morning. Speaking of church, prayer, and conversation, it's time to twist and shout ("as if," quoth the Episcopalian) and get going. Believe me, I don't want to let the Big Kahuna down and disappoint, eh?

Unconscious Mutterings

I shiver ... And you freeze:

1. Right time :: Wrong place

2. Funeral :: Celebration of Life


3. Calculate :: Figure

4. Believe me :: Honest!


5. Chat :: ICQ

6. Anniversary :: Date

7. Let you down :: Disappoint

8. Shout :: Twist and

9. Sweatsock :: Does anybody call them sweatsocks anymore?

10. Prayer :: Conversation


So many of my answers are song lyrics, and now I can't get Right Time, Wrong Place out of my head. It should make for an interesting morning. Speaking of church, prayer, and conversation, it's time to twist and shout ("as if," quoth the Episcopalian) and get going. Believe me, I don't want to let the Big Kahuna down and disappoint, eh?

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Col Canto

Tonight I had to travel north to hear a senior recital. As I drove home, exhausted and freezing, it occurred to me that while most students leave college full of facts and figures, we send our students into the world armed with melody, harmony, rhythm and poetry. To many, that might seem frivolous at best and unforgivably wasteful at worst. To me, having a song to sing in this life -- and being willing to share it with others -- is one of the most precious gifts of all.

Col Canto

Tonight I had to travel north to hear a senior recital. As I drove home, exhausted and freezing, it occurred to me that while most students leave college full of facts and figures, we send our students into the world armed with melody, harmony, rhythm and poetry. To many, that might seem frivolous at best and unforgivably wasteful at worst. To me, having a song to sing in this life -- and being willing to share it with others -- is one of the most precious gifts of all.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Friday's Feast

It's been awhile, but what the hey... Let's Feast!

(with additional answers by TinyTuna)

Appetizer: If you were a color, what color would you be, and why?
Let's See....
Greentuna thinks.
Greentuna thinks.
Greentuna thinks.
Greentuna thinks.
Greentuna thinks.
Greentuna thinks.
I don't know.
(TINYTUNA: Purple. Because it's the color of flowers)

Soup: When was the last time you went to the doctor, and what was your reason for going?
Ha! The last time I went to the doctor was last Friday. The reason was the plague. It was a thrill and a joy, and a visit I hope to avoid for another six years, just like last time. Sadly, I have to return to the doctor again next Friday. Moving along....
(TINYTUNA: Last August, because I needed a new immunization form for school)

Salad: What do you collect?
Lonely socks.
(TINYTUNA: Giraffes and Precious Stones)

Main Course: What were you like in high school? Name one thing you miss and one thing you don't miss about those days.
What was I like? Younger. Things I miss and don't miss? Honestly, I don't look back at high school with either wistful nostalgia or white-hot hatred. High school was fine. I had some friends. I had fun. It wasn't traumatic, or horrible. It was what it was, and then we all moved on. The way it's supposed to be, I think.
(TINYTUNA: I don't know. I'm not there yet)

Dessert: Pretend you're standing in front of your home, with your back towards your home. Describe the view. What can you see?
Canada! (Except there are a lot of houses and trees and cars and miles in the way)
(TINYTUNA: I see a wide area of grass, a very busy street with cars and two kids playing across the street)
((GreenTuna: In Canada))

Friday's Feast

It's been awhile, but what the hey... Let's Feast!

(with additional answers by TinyTuna)

Appetizer: If you were a color, what color would you be, and why?
Let's See....
Greentuna thinks.
Greentuna thinks.
Greentuna thinks.
Greentuna thinks.
Greentuna thinks.
Greentuna thinks.
I don't know.
(TINYTUNA: Purple. Because it's the color of flowers)

Soup: When was the last time you went to the doctor, and what was your reason for going?
Ha! The last time I went to the doctor was last Friday. The reason was the plague. It was a thrill and a joy, and a visit I hope to avoid for another six years, just like last time. Sadly, I have to return to the doctor again next Friday. Moving along....
(TINYTUNA: Last August, because I needed a new immunization form for school)

Salad: What do you collect?
Lonely socks.
(TINYTUNA: Giraffes and Precious Stones)

Main Course: What were you like in high school? Name one thing you miss and one thing you don't miss about those days.
What was I like? Younger. Things I miss and don't miss? Honestly, I don't look back at high school with either wistful nostalgia or white-hot hatred. High school was fine. I had some friends. I had fun. It wasn't traumatic, or horrible. It was what it was, and then we all moved on. The way it's supposed to be, I think.
(TINYTUNA: I don't know. I'm not there yet)

Dessert: Pretend you're standing in front of your home, with your back towards your home. Describe the view. What can you see?
Canada! (Except there are a lot of houses and trees and cars and miles in the way)
(TINYTUNA: I see a wide area of grass, a very busy street with cars and two kids playing across the street)
((GreenTuna: In Canada))

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Notes from the Inbox

TinyTuna's latest missive of great import and unabashed excitement:

Subject: ANOTHER MUSICAL DAY IN HISTORY!!!!!

Dear Mother,

Another big day. OK. I was waiting for my 7th hour class to start, when the orchestra teacher pulls me and my friend over and says to us, that she wants us playing in 3 POSITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a lot to practice.

Love and an A
TinyTuna


Now I can hear many of you scratching your heads saying, "What the...?" as you read this. This email is about playing the violin, and third position is where you move your hand up the fingerboard in order to play higher notes on the same string.

It's the musical equivalent of being told you can "put it in fourth" when you're in driver's ed.

And if you've never driven a stick, well, you're not going to get that one either.

Suffice it to say, it was hella exciting news to a certain 11-year old. I'm not sure whether to be sad at the obvious lack of really exciting news in her life, or pleased that the prospect of third position is worthy of fifty-five exclamation points.

Notes from the Inbox

TinyTuna's latest missive of great import and unabashed excitement:

Subject: ANOTHER MUSICAL DAY IN HISTORY!!!!!

Dear Mother,

Another big day. OK. I was waiting for my 7th hour class to start, when the orchestra teacher pulls me and my friend over and says to us, that she wants us playing in 3 POSITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a lot to practice.

Love and an A
TinyTuna


Now I can hear many of you scratching your heads saying, "What the...?" as you read this. This email is about playing the violin, and third position is where you move your hand up the fingerboard in order to play higher notes on the same string.

It's the musical equivalent of being told you can "put it in fourth" when you're in driver's ed.

And if you've never driven a stick, well, you're not going to get that one either.

Suffice it to say, it was hella exciting news to a certain 11-year old. I'm not sure whether to be sad at the obvious lack of really exciting news in her life, or pleased that the prospect of third position is worthy of fifty-five exclamation points.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Having It My Way

When you're full of the plague, there isn't much to do except lay on your horizontal surface of choice. Some people (ok, some WEIRD people) actually choose to be sick in a bed, and do quiet, restful, recuperative things like sleep. Being a multi-tasking creature, I never understood that philosophy at all. If I'm going to be sick, then something better be entertaining me. I don't read when I'm sick because holding a book and attempting to following a plot and character development is just too much work. So, I head for the couch with blanket, Kleenex, cough drops, telephone and restorative liquid (no, it's not The Recipe) and the holy remote. My head must point south in order to lay on my right hand side and face east while praying to The God Toshiba.

It's my Sick Shui.

I like to think there is a healing balm in my surfacing, be it during the afternoon soaps (CBS only), anything on the Food Channel, or a rerun of last night's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. There are no curative powers in the local newscasts at noon or PBS shows on quilting, and certain spots along the dial are sure to make everything WORSE (Pat Robertson, Fox News Network, and E! Network specials on the life of Jessica Simpson -- I'm talking to you).

So it was with a fair amount of excitement that I assumed the position on the High Holy Day of curative televised entertainment: Superbowl Sunday.

Superbowl Sunday! It's football! It's wardrobe malfunctions! It's cheezy halftime shows! Best of all, it's commercials, commercials and MORE COMMERCIALS.

Good commercials.
Expensive commercials.
Miracle-cure commercials.

The first commercial was a shockingly forgettable Budweiser commercial. I chalked that up to Superbowl jitters and anxiously awaited for commercial number two.

And I get THIS.

This is wrong on so many levels, it almost begs for the return of Cowboy Hootie.

Where to begin? First, all those poor women. Some were in the lettuce corps, others in the onion squad. Years and years of dance training for THIS? There are several lead dancers, including a saucy tomato, a prima burgerina patty, and a top bun the comes complete with elbow length gloves and tiara. Casting Couch? Nay. Casting Kitchen.

Then of course, comes the damn creepy Burger King with the big scary plastic head. THIS THING HAS TO GO. Damn creepy Burger King with the big scary plastic head DOES NOT MAKE SICK PEOPLE FEEL BETTER (I was, however, overwhelmingly grateful for Magic Fridge. It made the icky King go away).

I'd like to humbly suggest next year's BK Superbowl ads be a series of "OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED BURGER KING!" spots where Mr. Creepy Big Scary Plastic Head King gets smooshed, smashed, demolished and generally obliterated over and over and over again.

Have it your way?
I'm going to take them at their word.
Maybe I'll send them a list.

Having It My Way

When you're full of the plague, there isn't much to do except lay on your horizontal surface of choice. Some people (ok, some WEIRD people) actually choose to be sick in a bed, and do quiet, restful, recuperative things like sleep. Being a multi-tasking creature, I never understood that philosophy at all. If I'm going to be sick, then something better be entertaining me. I don't read when I'm sick because holding a book and attempting to following a plot and character development is just too much work. So, I head for the couch with blanket, Kleenex, cough drops, telephone and restorative liquid (no, it's not The Recipe) and the holy remote. My head must point south in order to lay on my right hand side and face east while praying to The God Toshiba.

It's my Sick Shui.

I like to think there is a healing balm in my surfacing, be it during the afternoon soaps (CBS only), anything on the Food Channel, or a rerun of last night's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. There are no curative powers in the local newscasts at noon or PBS shows on quilting, and certain spots along the dial are sure to make everything WORSE (Pat Robertson, Fox News Network, and E! Network specials on the life of Jessica Simpson -- I'm talking to you).

So it was with a fair amount of excitement that I assumed the position on the High Holy Day of curative televised entertainment: Superbowl Sunday.

Superbowl Sunday! It's football! It's wardrobe malfunctions! It's cheezy halftime shows! Best of all, it's commercials, commercials and MORE COMMERCIALS.

Good commercials.
Expensive commercials.
Miracle-cure commercials.

The first commercial was a shockingly forgettable Budweiser commercial. I chalked that up to Superbowl jitters and anxiously awaited for commercial number two.

And I get THIS.

This is wrong on so many levels, it almost begs for the return of Cowboy Hootie.

Where to begin? First, all those poor women. Some were in the lettuce corps, others in the onion squad. Years and years of dance training for THIS? There are several lead dancers, including a saucy tomato, a prima burgerina patty, and a top bun the comes complete with elbow length gloves and tiara. Casting Couch? Nay. Casting Kitchen.

Then of course, comes the damn creepy Burger King with the big scary plastic head. THIS THING HAS TO GO. Damn creepy Burger King with the big scary plastic head DOES NOT MAKE SICK PEOPLE FEEL BETTER (I was, however, overwhelmingly grateful for Magic Fridge. It made the icky King go away).

I'd like to humbly suggest next year's BK Superbowl ads be a series of "OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED BURGER KING!" spots where Mr. Creepy Big Scary Plastic Head King gets smooshed, smashed, demolished and generally obliterated over and over and over again.

Have it your way?
I'm going to take them at their word.
Maybe I'll send them a list.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Tea and Sympathy

So much for no plague.

I've been out -- CAPS LOCK BOLD LEANED OVER MINCIUS PIEVAL MAXIMUS -- OUT since last Sunday. It started with vague tickles and throat clearings on Saturday, and by Sunday I was sick as a dog. Or a Tuna.

This fun lasted Superbowl Sunday,
Don't go to work Monday,
Don't go teach on Tuesday,
Attempt to work on Wednesday and fail miserably after three hours,
Sure as hell don't go teach on Thursday,
Go to the doctor on Friday and spend the rest of the day procuring generic-cillan,
Do very little on Saturday,
Hack through church on Sunday.
And now it's Monday again.

I went to work today, partially because after awhile I get absolutely stir crazy sitting around doing nothing, and partially because I feared what my office might look like (answer: bad). Sadly, the generic-cillan appears to be doing me no good whatsoever, so I'm guessing the plague is viral and I'm just stuck with it until it decides to go play somewhere else.

Despite my sloth-like demeanor over the past week, there has been a lot going on lately which requires my unsolicited 2-cents. But tonight, I'm going to finish watching tonight's episode of Winter Olympics General Hospital. So far? Skeleton sledder crashes and takes two additional turns while being dragged, unconscious, behind her sled, and then is airlifted to the hospital; American Woman skier crashes and is airlifted to the hospital; "Grandma Luge" suffers a broken wrist; Michelle Kwan pulls out of the Olympics and NBC officials sob at the thought of losing their Queen of Hype; Chinese Figure Skating Pair attempts a quadruple axel throw toss flip thing, and the female skater lands the jump -- if you want to call it that -- on the other side of the rink ON HER KNEES.

In non-injurious Olympic News:
1. "The Flying Tomato" is one SAD nickname.
2. Olympic puns in newspaper headlines (OhNo! Ohno Falls!) should be banned.
3. The Olympic medals look like giant doughnuts.



Time to put the plague to bed.

Tea and Sympathy

So much for no plague.

I've been out -- CAPS LOCK BOLD LEANED OVER MINCIUS PIEVAL MAXIMUS -- OUT since last Sunday. It started with vague tickles and throat clearings on Saturday, and by Sunday I was sick as a dog. Or a Tuna.

This fun lasted Superbowl Sunday,
Don't go to work Monday,
Don't go teach on Tuesday,
Attempt to work on Wednesday and fail miserably after three hours,
Sure as hell don't go teach on Thursday,
Go to the doctor on Friday and spend the rest of the day procuring generic-cillan,
Do very little on Saturday,
Hack through church on Sunday.
And now it's Monday again.

I went to work today, partially because after awhile I get absolutely stir crazy sitting around doing nothing, and partially because I feared what my office might look like (answer: bad). Sadly, the generic-cillan appears to be doing me no good whatsoever, so I'm guessing the plague is viral and I'm just stuck with it until it decides to go play somewhere else.

Despite my sloth-like demeanor over the past week, there has been a lot going on lately which requires my unsolicited 2-cents. But tonight, I'm going to finish watching tonight's episode of Winter Olympics General Hospital. So far? Skeleton sledder crashes and takes two additional turns while being dragged, unconscious, behind her sled, and then is airlifted to the hospital; American Woman skier crashes and is airlifted to the hospital; "Grandma Luge" suffers a broken wrist; Michelle Kwan pulls out of the Olympics and NBC officials sob at the thought of losing their Queen of Hype; Chinese Figure Skating Pair attempts a quadruple axel throw toss flip thing, and the female skater lands the jump -- if you want to call it that -- on the other side of the rink ON HER KNEES.

In non-injurious Olympic News:
1. "The Flying Tomato" is one SAD nickname.
2. Olympic puns in newspaper headlines (OhNo! Ohno Falls!) should be banned.
3. The Olympic medals look like giant doughnuts.



Time to put the plague to bed.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Ill Wind

It's teaching day again, and half of the college appears to have the plague.

Evidently, over the weekend, a large number of students became seriously ill, and this week classes appear to be only half-full.

Normally with each student I spend a minute or two saying hello and finding out what's happening in their life. I'm not trying to be nosy, but I learned many years ago that when you're dealing with singers, their mental health is as important as their physical health. It's one of the drawbacks of having an instrument that lives inside your body and changes on a whim, especially if that whim is named exhaustion, breakup, or kegger.

This week, I'm not giving them much of a chance to tell me about Rush Week (don't care) or the mandatory RA meeting tonight (don't care) or who painted the spirit rock last night (don't care). The minute they open the door -- before they can even get close to me -- I yell, "DO YOU HAVE THE PLAGUE?" If the answer is yes, they get a one way ticket back out the door again.

So far, my students have been surprisingly healthy, with only one no-show, and one with the plague. If only my last two students of the day were plague-a-rrific.... Then I could go home early and prepare to be entertained.

Because tonight?
Survivor, BABY!

Ill Wind

It's teaching day again, and half of the college appears to have the plague.

Evidently, over the weekend, a large number of students became seriously ill, and this week classes appear to be only half-full.

Normally with each student I spend a minute or two saying hello and finding out what's happening in their life. I'm not trying to be nosy, but I learned many years ago that when you're dealing with singers, their mental health is as important as their physical health. It's one of the drawbacks of having an instrument that lives inside your body and changes on a whim, especially if that whim is named exhaustion, breakup, or kegger.

This week, I'm not giving them much of a chance to tell me about Rush Week (don't care) or the mandatory RA meeting tonight (don't care) or who painted the spirit rock last night (don't care). The minute they open the door -- before they can even get close to me -- I yell, "DO YOU HAVE THE PLAGUE?" If the answer is yes, they get a one way ticket back out the door again.

So far, my students have been surprisingly healthy, with only one no-show, and one with the plague. If only my last two students of the day were plague-a-rrific.... Then I could go home early and prepare to be entertained.

Because tonight?
Survivor, BABY!