Friday, November 23, 2007

The Gospel of Black Friday

Unless you live in a cave, you're probably aware of the fact that today is Black Friday meaning all the rest of the crayons in the box are thrown away and you're stuck drawing pictures of the insides of cows and all those channels on TV you wish you got, if only your cave got any reception.

OK, that might not be terribly accurate.

Black Friday is the opening day of the holiday shopping season. The holiday, of course, is the one and only Christmas which celebrates the birth of the big guy, Baby Jesus ("Baby G" for short). Yes, I know that Hanukkah and Kwanzaa also falls into the December/January mix, but with eight presents to buy for Hanukkah they just aren't of the scope we're talking about today, and as for Kwanzaa, it's only about 40 years old, so according to the gift-giving list, we're only talking paper or tin or cotton or something.

Today's newspaper boasted -- yes, BOASTED -- over 800 pages of ads, with five pages of actual news thrown in for the purists, much of which talked about the amazing 800 pages of ads. But fear not, by close examination of the colorful newspaper, there can be much to learn about the upcoming holidays and the birthday boy. With a little interpretive help from yours truly (you're welcome!)

  1. Baby G wants a TV.
  2. Baby G wants a big TV.
  3. Baby G would prefer an HDTV because he's cutting edge.
  4. Baby G doesn't want a Wii because he knows there is a shortage so he isn't even going to ask.
  5. Baby G will take a washer and dryer, but you must realize this would be a last resort kind of present, because they are always on the last two pages of the Gospel According to Big Box, following all the pages of big screen HDTVs.
  6. Baby G DOES NOT WANT exercise equipment. That is a January-only gift, and even if it is on page one of the sporting goods circular, it's only for overachievers or people who do not understand the natural progression of holidays (Mini Snickers -- Turkey -- COOKIES -- Treadmill).
  7. Baby G says he already has a cell phone, thanks.
  8. Baby G REALLY wants a GPS system, but not for himself. He'd pass it along to the Kings, who took their own sweet time showing up with the goods. Maybe what they need is an annoyed voice keeping them on the straight and narrow. Recalculating... Recalculating... Recalculating..
  9. Baby G thinks ottomans with hidden storage are the sweet because you could totally hide loaves and fishes in there and impress your friends.
  10. Baby G wonders why he is still subjected to Circuit City ads, for lo, they packed up and left last year.
  11. Baby G says you couldn't pay him enough money to walk into a furniture store because pushy doesn't even begin to describe them.
  12. Baby G thinks power tools are pretty cool, but isn't interested in pressure washers. It's like getting socks and underwear.
  13. Baby G wonders about ads that are thicker than the entire Book of Job. Of course, enduring some of those stores would be right up there with everything else Job had to go through, so maybe it all comes out even in the end.
  14. Baby G wonders if anybody has ever bought a Kitchen-Aid Stand mixer at full price.
  15. Baby G hints cashmere is a HUGE improvement over hay. Just sayin'...
  16. Baby G says Brown + Zune = Lame. Even at 60% off, it's 100% LAME.
  17. Baby G knows he would kick ass playing Guitar Hero III.
  18. Baby G wonders if anybody who plays tennis wears a tennis bracelet while playing tennis.
  19. Baby G thinks buying presents at the drug store is just tacky.
  20. Baby G scoffs at the idea of doorbusters because once you've torn down the temple, everything else is a distant second.


sherry said...

Delurking to say, you just made my very grumpy teen female child smile.


Sherry, aka Diana Rowland's sister

Anonymous said...

I never heard of Black Friday before - until I got Internet that is. Doesn't sound very appealing to me. I know it can be busy in shops during the holiday season, but there's busy, very busy and Black Friday. No thank you!