Monday, October 13, 2003

I Should Have Known


I should have known. I should have known five months BTT (before TinyTuna). She had been so quiet, until the day of my ultrasound, when, with 64 ounces of water sloshing around inside me she decides to play trampoline on my bladder. She had a will of her own back then, and she still does.

I should have known. I should have known one week past my due date...two weeks past my due date...three weeks past my due date (!!!) that she was going to arrive when she was good and ready and not a moment before. In the end, it actually took some less than friendly medical persuasion. She came out saying "What??? I was comfy in there..." I wear a ring with a March birthstone. I tell TinyTuna I wear it because it reminds me of her. It reminds me that her birthday was supposed to be March 15th, and her real birthday is April 8th? She has always done things on her schedule, not mine.

I should have known. I should have known in the midst of a thirty-six hour labor that this was going to be no normal kid. I was the poster child for (insert frantic screamy-type voice here) "they didn't teach us this in child birth claaaaaaaassss!" I was the one shouting "what do you mean, epidurals don't always TAKE?" I vowed to wallpaper her bedroom with the miles of fetal monitor printouts that were piling up all over the floor. When my doctor asked me late in day two of induced labor if I was upset about having a C-section, I just looked at her and said, "I think I've gotten all the joy out of this experience that I'm ever going to have. Just go in and get it NOW." There had been a lot of pain, but the minute TinyTuna took the stage, it was gone. She still does that today.

I should have known. But how could I have known? I left work early and dashed to school to pick her up today. I dreaded having to break the news to her, but I equally dreaded having her hear it from somebody else. When I got there, she was really happy to see me so early. From the way she was babbling about school, it was clear she didn't know. We left school and started walking to the car, which I had purposefully parked at the end of the street, to give us time to talk. I told her I had some news. She looked at me and said, "I'm not Annie?" I said no. She said, "I'm an orphan?" I said no. I told her she wasn't going to be in this play. She looked down at the sidewalk and then asked, "why?" I start babbling in a less-than controlled parental-type voice that I was so proud of her but that this time they chose other people to be in the play. I'm practically beside myself by now, and she just looks at me and says, "Well, can we at least go SEE the play, so I can enjoy it?"

I should have known. I should have known that when it comes to TinyTuna, I can never know. There wasn't a single tear, a single pout, a single "it's not fair" or anything else negative. She was happy that her two friends made the play. She wants to bring them flowers. She has handled this better than most grownups, not to mention kids. I am absolutely floored and unbelievably proud of her.

I should have known. As a Big Brother hamster watcher, we regularly mocked the show's motto "expect the unexpected." Nothing better describes the way TinyTuna writes the story of her life than "unexpected." Her will, her schedule, her hurts and her compassion for others amaze me on a daily basis. Still, today I was surprised. But somehow, I should have known.
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