Monday, October 11, 2004

Dueling Holidays

Today in the good ole US of A, it is Columbus Day, while in slightly odder yet lovable Canada, it is Canadian Thanksgiving Day.

According to the Library of Congress Website, Columbus day is a day of rest and relaxation. Evidently this fact has not been passed along to Tuna U, where I have been working all day. Additionally, what's there really to celebrate with Columbus day, anyway? He discovered a land that A. Was already inhabited, and B. He never intended to find in the first place. The whole thing seems so...Canadian.

Be that as it may, my neighbors to the South are busy today eating turkey drenched in maple syrup and stuffed with Smarties. Canadian Smarties, not regular Smarties. They are like M&M's, except you see it's Canada, so they are twice as big in order to compensate for the conversation rate. Or something.

Do you see how confusing Canada is?

Anyway, Thanksgiving in October is normal by Canadian standards, but listen to this: according to one self-admitted Canadian, Canadian Thanksgiving Day marks the beginning of The Christmas season. Of course, said self-admitted Canadian is spending his Canadian Thanksgiving holiday planning a trip to Hawaii. Which is so...Canadian.

But be that as it may, Canadian Thanksgiving in October simply cannot be. It means Canada is first. Which of course, is wholly Un-American.

I think our country better get on the ball and adopt oh, say, August 23 as Thanksgiving. Not only would we be FIRST (which is American as American can be), we would be FIRST. Oh, and we would have hella more shopping days to boot. Think of the boost to the American economy if we had 120 seasonal shopping days instead of the paltry 25 or 26.

And did I mention we would be FIRST?

Of course, moving back Thanksgiving would have a definite impact on Halloween, where it is estimated American idiots will fork over 3.12 billion dollars so their kids can bring home $5 worth of decent candy that you eat after they've gone to bed, and $9.95 worth of crap that you foist on your coworkers.

So, Halloween has to be moved back as well.

I propose Halloween should fall around June 1st. The weather will be spectacular, and all the poor children of the Mitten would be able to wear a costume that doesn't require a matching snowsuit. I bet you'd have a lot more belly dancers and fairies, and a lot less football players and hobos.

And, we'd be FIRST.

Of course, moving Halloween and Thanksgiving back means we need to smash Labor Day in there somewhere. Maybe somewhere around March, when the average working shmoe is in the middle of the 5-month holiday drought. But which would you rather celebrate? Labor Day or St. Patty's Barcrawl Hangover Day?

That's what I thought.

So, Happy Thanksgiving up there in the Great White North. You have a lot for which to be Thankful. On behalf of the US, we'd like to send you a small token of friendship.

Like a Shrub.

Please.

3 comments:

TV Junkie said...

Yay Tuna! That's a great idea!

Jubileee said...

Ummm....we're full, eh?

Gary said...

Happy Thanksumbus day! And it is SO cool to be mentioned in an American blog!!! What can I say? It validates us! ;)