Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Sixty Minutes

Last night I had approximately sixty minutes to do some Christmas Commando Consumering at the local shopping emporiumart. This is my story (BOM-BOM)

Stop One: World Market

It started with my Republican shopping cart that always wanted to go to the right, meaning I tended to go in pointless circles. First my shopping cart led me to Vietnamese Silk Hats. That's Christmas! Except no. Must keep going. Off to the food and wine section. For better or worse, I tend to employ the same lame shopping technique for barbecue sauces and wines. The goofier the name or cooler the label, the more apt I am to buy it. Because if it tastes nasty, you still have a cool bottle, right? And nothing says Christmas like a dinnertime conversation consisting of "Pass the Acid Rain," or, "Honey, I just can't get enough of that Hog's Ass."

Final Tally: Wine, BBQ Sass and various rubs.

Stop Two: CompUSA

Thinking I might find a fun PC-game for TinyTuna, I dashed into CompUSA. Wow. Doom 3 or Hitman Contracts or Vietcong Purple Haze. Nothing like death and destruction and general mayhem to pass along that seasonal message of Peace on Earth.

Final Tally: Zip. Parting comment: "I hate this store. I'm having a seizure."

Stop Three: Hallmark Store

Here is where it really begins to suck to be me. Within two minutes of shopping the Hallmark card aisle, it became painfully clear that I should have been shopping for Christmas cards on November 1st. Gems that were left?

Ghost of Sentiment Misguided
: May Christmas grow like a sprig in your heart.

Real Message: You remind me of parsley.

Ghost of Holiday Insults: If Santa needs a body double, you fit the bill -- not to mention the suit -- Ba-DUMP-bump!

Real Message: Put down the cookies, Tubby.

Ghost of Religious Indoctrination: In this sacred time of our Savior's birth we are reminded how bless we are by The Lord when He.....

Real Message: Go to church, you Godless heathen.

Other Hallmark Goldcrown Ponderings:

1. Why are they selling purses?

2. Ed-Ray Ats-Hay. Everywhere. Bleah.

3. Outrageously Expensive Specialty ornaments. Oh yeah. Nothing in this world says Christmas like a $20 Barbie's Shoe Tree ornament.

Final Tally: Zip. Parting comment: "Wow. They can't GIVE away those Polar Express Santas. I'm having a seizure."

Stop Three: Linens-n-Things

It just occurred to me that if you are a retailer and you add -n-Things to the title of your store, you can sell damn near anything you want. Like stinky candles -n-Things (score). And kitchen cookware -n-Things (score). But why (and I'm just wondering here) do they feel compelled to display 64 garlic presses on individual hooks displayed at heights from 10 feet above the ground to 25 feet above the ground? Are they worried we'll think they don't have enough -n-Things? Because if the army of garlic presses weren't enough, there were the 128 individually displayed metal spatulas sitting next to them.

Final Tally: Six Stinky Candles and a small ceramic votive holder.


Ghost of Goldwater said...

I've been randomly clicking my way around this thing since I started my own blog Friday. This is one of the most amusing I've seen so far.

TV Junkie said...

I wouldn't be at all surprised to receive a Godless Heathen card or two in my mailbox. BWAH! Tuna is all afire with the Christmas Spirit!

Kat said...

I had a similar experience on my shopping venture over the weekend: Tar-jay, Bed Bath & Beyond (beyond WHAT?) and Best Buy. Yikes!

Anonymous said...

2. Ed-Ray Ats-Hay. Everywhere. Bleah.
~~ Okay Tuna, you owe me a new keyboard~~
How about my mother hinted that a ed-ray ats-hay purse would be a nice Christmas gift, bleah indeed!!!


Kat said...

Never fear -- allmarkHay has taken over your anner-bay ads-ay.

Bozoette said...

A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

mensch71 said...

Ix-Nay on the Inky-Stay Andles-Cay for moi, ma amie. My nasal palate has grown delicate whilst living in subtropical climes. Home in 38 hours. Whee!