Failures in Parenting, Chapter 96

TinyTuna: I'm hungry.

GreenTuna: Make a snack.

TinyTuna: (going for the bag of Doritos)

GreenTuna: No junk.

TinyTuna: Popcorn?

GreenTuna: No.

TinyTuna: (here builds the pre-adult angst, complete with heaving sighs, crossed arms and the ever-popular indignant jacking of the hips)
WELL, WHAT ELSE IS THERE???

GreenTuna: Cheese?

TinyTuna: No.

GreenTuna: Half a PB & J sandwich?

TinyTuna: No.

GreenTuna: Make a salad?

TinyTuna: No lettuce.

GreenTuna: Yes there is.

TinyTuna: No there's not.

GreenTuna: Yes THERE IS.

TinyTuna: No THERE'S NOT.

GreenTuna: (Opening the refrigerator and making a grand gesture) BEHOLD! An Entire Head of Lettuce in all of its lettucy glory!

TinyTuna: What am I supposed to do with it?

GreenTuna: What do you mean what are you supposed to do with it?

TinyTuna: I can't use that!

GreenTuna: Why not?

TinyTuna: Like that?

GreenTuna: Like WHAT?

TinyTuna: (flailing at the offending lettuce) THAT!!!

GreenTuna: WHAT??? There's nothing wrong with it!

TinyTuna: It's not cut up.

GreenTuna: It's not WHAT?

TinyTuna: Cut Up.

GreenTuna: So?

TinyTuna: SO WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?

GreenTuna: Rip it up!

TinyTuna: How?

GreenTuna: Are you SERIOUS?

TinyTuna: I've never ripped lettuce before.

GreenTuna: Good grief. Take the lettuce, grab it and pull it apart. It's not hard. It's lettuce, for crying out loud.

TinyTuna: WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
IT'S ALWAYS CUT UP IN A BAG!!

**crickets**
END SCENE

Note: Having already read "Huckleberry Finn" I knew better than to whitewash fences OR make a pre-adult's salad. So, I gave TinyTuna an emergency lesson in lettuce ripping. Immediately thereafter she made her salad all-by-herself. Crisis averted.