Thirteen Cross Stitch Projects I Will NOT Be Undertaking
First of all, this picture must use 27 shades of white, gray and brown. That's not enjoyment. That's an aneurysm on 32-count linen. Secondly, despite the fact that they have called this gem "Miracle" I'm not sure where the Miracle actually is. When you have a picture of Siamese Horse Heads, shouldn't it be entitled "Freak of Nature?" Sorry, I'll pass on this one. But if someone comes up with a cross stitch picture for a three-eyed fish, I'd be all for it.
2. "Lucky in Bloom"
An unoffensive flower in bold primary colors isn't bad. But cross-stitching "Lucky's cat's butt popping out of the top? Thanks, but no.
3. "Moose Be Born to Ride"
Now, I understand that lots of people take up crafting for lots of reasons. I also understand that lots of people have a wide variety of interests. But I'm thinking the demographics of people obsessed with both motorcycles and Mooses (mooses? moose? Bullwinkles?) has to be pretty narrow. And where would you hang this finished project? The Elk Club?
4. "Beneath Shining Stars"
The problem here isn't the picture. It's fine, if not overly simple (which can be a good thing when you need Christmas gifts PRONTO). What kills me here are the buttons. If I'm not entirely mistaken, the Joseph button on the left is the spitting image of Cartman, and I would never be able to look at this picture without cracking up and singing the South Park version of "Oh Holy Night.
Here's an annoying picture that they try to pretty up with some cute bunnies and flowers. Why do I need to spend a couple hours of my time on a pillow that is bugging me to do chores? What do you bet there are several pillows in this series, including "IRON" and "DO SOME DISHES BECAUSE YOU'RE OUT OF FORKS AGAIN." Thanks, I'll pass.
6. "Hang Ten"
Nice try, but I see how you are. It doesn't matter if you dress it up with palm trees, waves, sand and a surfboard, this is still LAUNDRY. I'm not falling for your crafty tricks.
7. "Of Female Arts"
Yeah, because all we can do is sew. I'll just let this ditty speak for itself with my implied Burma-Shave-esque coda: "Bite me."Of female arts in usefulness
The needle far exceeds the rest
In ornament there's no device
Affords adorning half so nice.
8. "Road Trip"
Ah yes, another winner as we sew a picture of a car pulling a camper. Alas, the weary travelers are lost because the only road they were given goes around in circles. I bet they get really angry every time they reach that button in the middle of Crack Avenue and the dad refuses to ask for directions. Good times.
9. "Summer Maggie Butts"
First of all, I don't get the title at all. Summer, yes. But If Maggie has a butt at all, she must have left it at home. In fact, it's a freak of nature that the turtle floaty device is able to stay on her body when she has no discernible hips. Be that as it may, "Maggie" must be a nickname for "Medusa" because woah, she's got some snake hair going on. And why does she look so demoniacally happy as attacks that poor mouse with pepper spray?
11. "Peaceful Paradise"
When I was grabbing these pictures, I named this one "wholebunchawords" because seriously, what does it say? Who knows. It might be the entire old testament. It might be a recipe for Tree of Knowledge Pie. It might be directions to button land for that camper above. Whatever it is, it's too much and it's totally illegible. I'm not really up to cross-stitching a novel.