Monday, November 16, 2009

An Open Letter to Facebook

Dear Facebook,

It's time you and I had a little heart to heart, because I've been making excuses for you, or looking the other way for quite some time now, and I just cannot do it any longer.

To put it bluntly, WHAT GIVES?
You have turned into a Yenta, and a lazy one at that.

Now, don't pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about.  When you went through the last unnecessary redesign number I've-Lost-Count, I thought you would have noticed that this time around I didn't complain, and I didn't join the fracas badgering you to change it all back or threatening to leave.  Yes, I will admit I found some tar and feathers the time before this latest unnecessary redesign number I've-Lost-Count, but can you blame me?  I was mad.  I was hurt.  I felt betrayed.  But I'm here to tell you, Facebook, if experience has taught me anything, I learned that no matter how many thumbs down I cast in various polls, you really didn't care.  You weren't going to change.

Until you changed everything all over again.

Which made people complain all over again, demanding it be put back to the old way.

Which happened to be the old way that we all complained about the time before this time when we demanded it be put back the other-other-way.

Or something.

At any rate, when you changed this last time, the most I uttered was a "how strange" but I figured out how to play the game with your new set of rules, and, being a very live and let live kind of person, resumed my life.

But Facebook, it seems my tacit acceptance was not enough for you.  In the past I was never particularly bothered when you suggested friends I should be friends with because someone else was friends with them.  I know you're all about peer pressure, and let me tell you, you're wasting your time.  I lived through High School and really didn't care much about it then and it's highly doubtful that I'm going to care about it now.

But now you've upped the ante, haven't you Facebook?  You're not content with peer pressure so now you're going for full-out guilt.  If you can't make me bow to your will on my own account, you'll hold up my Facebook friends and tell me how pitiful they are.  I've been told to poke my friends, to send them notes and to reconnect.  You've told me some of my friends don't have very many friends and I should do something about it.  You've told me some friends don't have a profile picture.  You've told me that I should make Facebook better for my friends, and that some are only 65% complete.  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Here's the thing Facebook.  If you have a problem, I think you should take care of it yourself.  I'm not the friend police, and I'm not finding pictures or more friends, and I'm certainly not going to POKE MY THIRD GRADE TEACHER.  In fact, let me tell you something Facebook.  This past Sunday, as an experiment, I spoke to one of my Facebook friends at church -- whom I had actually seen the night before and spoke to IN PERSON about friendly type things -- and I told this Facebook friend in church on Sunday that you thought I should reconnect with her.  Do you know what she said, Facebook?  She said she dumped Facebook.  So yeah, thanks for making me look like an idiot.  Do you think next time you could send me a relationship update so I don't go around doing your dirty work for nothing?

The thing is, I like you.  I really like you.  I'm willing to go along with your rules and not complain when you have a redo.  But Facebook, get off your lazy butt and do your own work.  Maybe some meditation would help you, or a self-help book on acceptance.  We're all doing the best we can in this world and frankly, your passive-aggressive behavior isn't working on anyone.  Try a little honesty,  Be a little nicer, and send chocolate.  That always helps.

And if you have yet another mid-life crisis, instead of changing everything, just buy yourself a corvette, find a buxom young thing and call it good.  It will be easier on everybody.

Hugs and kisses

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