Last year at this time I did a post listing things I was not going to write about. I think we've all waited long enough, so I'm going to write about each and every one of them. Right this very minute. Ready, set...
1. The Fiscal Cliff
The good news is, like lemmings with improved GPS, we survived this scare. The bad news is "the fiscal cliff" has been replaced by "the sequester". Which I shall not talk about.
2. Royal Baby / Babies - Speculative Edition
Speculate no more. They had one. It was royal. It's name is George. I hope like nothing else that one of those royals does the whole Loony Toons bit, because it would be a damn waste of a name if they didn't.
3. The Weather - Too Hot / Too Cold Edition
It's always going to be one or the other, and never the one you want.
Best news I have about Santa is I whupped his butt at the Turkeyman Trot 5k race on Thanksgiving morning. Take that, Kringle!
I have nothing to say about elves, whether perched on a shelf, toiling in local sweatshops or studying dentistry.
I can't believe I somehow felt strongly enough about reindeer to include them on a list of things I was refusing to discuss. Reindeer are fine in theory, although shorter than one might expect in real life. Other than that, and the fact that reindeer were stereotyped as enormous jerks in Rudolph, one year later, I still got nothing.
7. Christmas Cookie Power Ranking
I have no idea what this is.
8. The atrocious state of spelling and grammar on the Internet
Here's the thing: I'm as annoyed as the next troll at the mangled verbiage that gets posted on the Internet for all eternity. And still, I find myself doubly annoyed at people who take up even more space criticizing and mocking the mistakes of others. Yes, people misplace apostrophes. ALL THE TIME. Yes, typos exist. But you don't look smarter by pointing out how stupid other people are. You saw it. We saw it. Just shake your head and judge silently in your heart and move on.
9. Why I've Never Seen a Single Episode of Downton Abbey
Another year gone. Keeping the streak alive!
10. Internet Trolls
Simple solution -- Stop reading the comments section.
See above. And here's another thing -- could we possibly stop with the whole litany of Kindergarten name calling, like "Rethuglicans" "Obummercare" and the like? It might be clever if you're five, but really, if you resort to infantile name-calling, you're just a poopyhead. DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
12. Lost Socks
Still losing them.
Currently resting and recharging in preparation for the 3am game of Turbo Chase followed by 15 rounds of feline wrestling.
14. Inflatable Christmas Decorations, or, Why is Santa in a Snowglobe?
Maybe it's me, but these just seem creepy.
15. Skype - Or, How to look like a murderer in one easy step
When I Skype -- which is solely to chat and do homework with the collegian, I've gotten to the point where I'm pretty sure all she sees is the top of my head. And you know, I'm fine with that.
16. Haiku Poetry. Creativity Abounds. Counting is a Must.
With each Haiku line - My fingers count syllables - Trust not an option.
17. I'm Trying to like Doctor Who like the other cool kids, but so far the jury of me is bored.
Stalled out after Season 1, episode three. Keeping the streak alive!
18. No, I still haven't seen **insert name of movie here**
I did, however, see "Catching Fire". Ten points for Gryffindor.
19. Why is the Ghost of Christmas Future a Skeleton? Isn't a skeleton the representation of something that is past? Like Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Past?
Wow. Why did I care about this? Maybe it's a skeleton because skeleton's are scary, and it would be a bit of a stretch to be psychologically intimidated and coerced into a different lifestyle by a baby.
20. As much as "Hoarders" makes me feel good about my house, it's not enough to compensate for how utterly sad and creepy gross it is. I Can't Watch.
Keeping the streak alive!
21. Wacky-Tacky Nativity Scenes -- What's Not to Love?
These are awesome. From Marshallows, to a Spam manger, to Fischer Price Peg People, to Veggie Tales, wacky-tacky nativity scenes are THE best. Magi tested, Messiah approved.
22. Teaching is Exhausting Awesomeness
23. Whoever Invented the Cubicle is a very, very bad man.
24. I'll let you have "God is Good" but you'll never convince me that God answered your prayer for a good parking space. Even God has priorities.
25. How many more days until **something that happens later** ?
27. Three Wise Men
28. Fifty Dumb Men
29. If Frozen Yogurt battled Gelato in a cage match, who would win?
30. Considering everything that was happening last year at this time, it's a wonder I'm still here.
31. What does a Christmas List and War and Peace have in common? I haven't started either one.
32. I don't like Miracle on 34th Street or It's a Wonderful Life. Do I need a Holly Jolly transfusion?
33. Charlie Brown Christmas will always and forever be the best. Rudolph runs a close second.
34. Is there a book club for people who can't get past page 3 before falling asleep?
35. I'm tired
...and the accompanying commentary
23. Yes, very.
24. Yes, but the hosannas have been silenced because God upped the ante and gave them temporary handicapped vouchers.
25. If it's something good, always more than you wish.
26. Tis the season
27. They sure took their time.
28. There's only fifty? What happened to the rest of them?
29. Frozen Yogurt, because Gelato is too classy to climb into a cage.
30. The irony of this statement is overwhelming. If I only knew then what I know now.
31. Keeping the streak alive!
32. Keeping the streak alive. And NO!
33. Damn right.
34. No, but there is a timer on the TV set, which is very handy, indeed.
35. This observation brought to you by all the days with a "y" in them.