First, from NK, I bring you:
8 Qualities I would find ideal in the opposite sex
1. Willing to Drive Ohio.
With slight apologies to my buds who live in Ohio, driving the Ohio Turnpike has all the excitement of cow tipping, except the cows are encased in hundreds of miles of orange construction cones. Since the Tuna clan travels East at least twice a year, we are too-often faced with two and a half hours of mind-numbing flatness. Drive the 'pike, and you're golden in my book.
2. Ditto The Mackinac Bridge
The Mighty Mac and I have never gotten along, because it's a bazillion miles of bridge (ok, five) that joins the lower and upper peninsulas of Michigan. It likes to sway in the breeze. Your choices when driving the Mac is to drive in the outer lanes, so close to the edge that your car will fall over the side (It's happened before! OK, it was only a Yugo, but still....), or else drive in the inner lanes where there are big grate-things and your car will fall through. It's scary, yo. I drive it when I have to (which isn't often, thank goodness) but I don't like it. Not one little bit.
3. Have a Theme Song -- Have Two
I don't really know what this means, but I think all things worthwhile have theme songs. Where would M*A*S*H be without it's theme song? There are theme songs for going to the store (Driving Miss Daisy), and theme songs for midnight dumpster dumping (Mission Impossible). If you can't think of an existing theme song for a given occasion, then make one up. Bonus points for lyrics. Double bonus points for rhyming lyrics. Triple bonus points if you can sing it in front of my mother.
4. Beer Me.
But please stay away from the one-syllable ones. Stroh's, Hamms, Pabst, Bud ... These aren't beers, they're gross. There is, however, a large exception for Mike's, which of course, isn't beer, but nectar of the Gods. Just no apple flavored, please. There's nothing worse than drinking an alcoholic Jolly Rancher.
5. Know where all my remotes are
Requiring the skills of a hunting dog, or maybe a membership with the psychic friends network, I need someone who knows where I left my remotes, because Lord knows I couldn't possibly stand up and walk across the living room to change the channels myself.
6. Ditto, Car Keys
I carry around an obscenely huge wad of keys just so I can find them. I would love to downsize, but am afraid to do so without a twelve-step program or the help of someone more organized than I am.
7. Know the Answers to Life's Big Musical Questions
- Who let the dogs out?
- What's Love Got to Do with It?
- Where have all the flowers gone?
- Why do fools rush in?
- How are things in Glocca Morra?