Tuesday, December 09, 2014

List and Learn


I am notorious in my family for not supplying Christmas lists.  I could give you a hundred reasons why, and maybe they are excuses and maybe not, but among the reasons are a big one -- I'm too busy to sit down and think of things like this.

However, today I'm making a change.  Behold, a list!  Have at it.

THINGS I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THAT EITHER DON'T EXIST 
BECAUSE NOBODY HAS THOUGHT OF IT YET, 
OR DON'T EXIST BECAUSE NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO MAKE IT YET, 
OR DON'T EXIST BECAUSE IT WOULD BREAK THE LAWS 
OF TIME AND SPACE AND PHYSICS AND STUFF.


1. Pencils that don't fall into the grand piano where I cannot retrieve them.
Honestly, in all my years on earth, I have never EVER had the problem with pencils falling into the Steinway abyss like I have this fall.  I have lost at least three pencils down the Steinway in my office, and retrieving them takes real tools and an office mate with the patience of a Saint, the willingness to retrieve my errant writing implements, and the good will to do it all on the promise of adult beverages as payment.  FYI - I almost dropped another one today in the grand at the high school.  This is getting ridiculous.

2. The ability to retrieve everything on my DVR and have it forever.
There must be a way to do this.  There. Must.  I haven't figured it out yet.  And that really, really annoys me.  How could VHS technology actually work better in this instance?

3. An Eighth Day of the Week with Rules
The rules being -- nothing can be scheduled on this day, ever.  It's the magical do whatever you want to do (or do absolutely nothing) day.  There are no other commitments, no choices of activities that have to be made, and since it's a magical day, everything you want to do is open, free of charge, and as full of humanity or as empty as you would like.  That goes for noisy or quiet, too.

4. More efficient Transportation (see: Magical)
This includes but is not limited to: flying cars, teleportation, a safe place for people and bikes and skateboards and scooters and mopeds and roller skates to also exist that is flat, dry, clean, beautiful and separated by a real live barrier, so my flying car won't have to worry about hitting anything.

5. A Sob-Free Season of Masterchef Junior
This. Show. Is. Killing. Me.  Every week two pipsqueak junior chefs get eliminated, and I am so ridiculously invested in these kids and their passion and their talent, that I hate to see any of them go home.  I like them exponentially better than the adult chefs, and I think they are more polite, and often, more creative.  They're definitely funnier.

6. A Self-Editing Blog
I've learned it's dangerous to write late at night on minimal sleep when you're trying to get your post completed.  Sometimes I look at it the next day and wonder if English really is my first language.  Maybe my blog needs a Princess Bride inspired add-on that would say, "I do not think that word means what you think it means!"

7. The metabolism of a Teenage boy
'Nuff said there.

8. Self-Destructing Junk Mail
The same goes for Spam email and telemarketers phone calls.

9. Justice, Equality, Peace, Cooperation, Respect
If not now, when?

10. More Llamas with Hats.
FISHED MY WISH!!




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