Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Royal Flush

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
A heated seat upon which I could pee!

Travels With Tuna -- Day The First
Today the Tuna clan jumped in the car to visit with BabyBrotherTuna and family. As nice as it is to see Mr. and Mrs. BBTuna, it would most come as no surprise that once the grownup hugs were exchanged we were all, "It's so great to see you again. NOW WHERE IS THE BABY?"

The baby was produced and we spent some time visiting and smooching and rolling around on the floor playing with toys. Presents were exchanged, and BabyTuna made sure to personally taste-test everything within arms reach.

After awhile, I excused myself to use the facilities. At the first mention of "bathroom" my brother got very wide-eyed. "Ohhhhh!" He said excitedly. "Are you ready? Are you ready for the best thing ever?"

I had no idea what he was talking about.

So he takes me toward the bathroom, which I thought was strange because I knew where it was and didn't really feel as if I needed an escort. "It's the greatest thing ever!" He said.

"What are you talking about?"

He proceeded to tell me all about his new acquisition. I'm not sure if I can even come close to describing this, so suffice it to say, if your toilet is the CPU, he got a...peripheral. It was kind of a multi-function bidet deal, with more bells and whistles than High Church on Sunday. He gave me a guided tour of all the features and their corresponding buttons on the wall-mounted touch pad. "Here is wash, and here is soft wash, and you can dry, and you can adjust the pressure, and the seat is heated...."

I must admit I was a bit embarrassed. "I just have to go," I said. "You know, just regular go."

"That's ok!" He said cheerily. "It still flushes the same. Have fun!"

And off he went.

I stared at the mecha-porcelain deity and sat down. OH. MY. GOD. It was cushy and it was warm. If loving this was wrong, I didn't want to be right. Staring at the buttons on the wall, I felt like Alice in Wonderland. Which one should I try first? I settled on wash.


Then I tried soft wash.


(I wondered if it did wax too)

I went for the hat-trick and hit the dry button.


I finally emerged, refreshed, a little embarrassed and a lot less innocent than when I went in.

"Nice, huh?" Asked my brother.

Wide-eyed, I nodded, secretly calculating when we'd be visiting again.
"I feel like I should leave some money on the night stand."


nuala said...

what kind was it? I have to have one!

Anonymous said...

OMG, Japanese Santa must've visited him! I've never experienced a washlet, but I sure have heard the raves. Do you think Petey can drink out of it??

leannwoo said...

Wow, I want one of those! That is awesome! I would be showing everyone just like your brother did! :) I wonder what one of those puppies run?

David said...

thats pretty funny! im just glad we finally got indoor plumbing.