Wednesday, August 18, 2004

On My Go...

Well, it's here. The next season of Survivor castaways has been posted over at Ye Olde CBS website. Let's take a moment and meet the gang...

Age: 31
Occupation: Barrista/Model
Hometown: Lakewood, Colorado

Today I learned, thanks to my boyfriend, that technically, a barrista is someone who has been professionally trained in the art of espresso preparation. I found a better explanation here:
"In Italy, barista is a coveted title. It's a career that requires significant apprenticeship and for which no one would assume the title unless he or she could profess to having dedicated time and practice to this art."In the US, barista means anybody who wears an apron and can say "mocha latte half-caf espresso dessert-look'in tastes-like-shit with whipped cream" in less than three seconds without taking a breath.

Well, Ami-with-an-I, I don't know how much espresso is going to be happening over at Vanuatu, of luck.

Age: 33
Occupation: FBI Agent/Ex-Military
Hometown: Huntington Beach, CA

Brady. Brady Finta. The Young and the Restless called.
They'd like their name back.

Age: 27
Occupation: Project Manager
Hometown: Winthrop, MA

First of all, I'm praying that the Massachusetts accent that is Brook (soap opera name number two, for those of you keeping score) isn't as heavy as Boston Rob, because I'm not sure I can taken another season of the Beantown nasal twang. By the looks of things, Brook will stick around until the merge, and will be the first one booted for being too strong and being named after running water.

Age: 35
Occupation: Teacher
Hometown: Oakland, CA

It's regrettable in a highly UN-PC kind of way (no emails, please) that Chad wasn't on the piratey-themed Survivor: Pearl Islands. I triple dog dare someone to ask Chad how's it hanging. He might have a leg-up on the competition (rim-shot) for sentimentality's sake, but I'll need to be careful, because so far I have typed Chat every single time I've meant to type Chad. (Yep, just did it again)

Age: 33
Occupation: Highway Construction
Hometown: South Vienna, OH

Voted most likely to call someone a "mook." His hobbies include NASCAR, four-wheeling in his Jeep, and basketball. Lives with his fiancee and pet lizard. He better be humble but lovable, otherwise, I see him leaving early.

Age: 25
Occupation: Sheep Herder
Hometown: Mercer, PA

Hello, Dolly! (I had to do that). I know I shouldn't deride the sheep herder. But if I don't say something I'll explode. First of all, Dolly looks like the "before" country-girl version of Holly. Twin twist? I hope not. But after reading her bio, she appears to be a right-wing, Gun-toting, Jesus-loving, muskrat-trapping, bad-assed outdoorswoman. Most likely to shake her finger and irritate the natives.

Age: 21
Occupation: Pre-Law Student
Hometown: Syracuse, NY

Well-traveled, member of Alpha Phi (for those who care) and well-educated? Kiss of death. Most likely to appear on the cover of STUFF Magazine.

Age: 22
Occupation: Mechanical Bull Operator/Model
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Dear John: I am well-versed in the art of padding ones resume to make the mundane seem a bit more important and/or exotic. Was it that you were afraid that "Mechanical Bull Operator" wasn't a big enough draw that you felt compelled to add "Model" afterwards? Most likely to be first in line at Belly's Bar -- the home of misfit Reality Show contestants.

Age: 31
Occupation: Sales Manager
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
P is for Pooka beads. His bio is much more impressive than his "Sales Manager" occupation he has listed. He's an Indiana boy, so I guess I can't haze him too much. YET. He's also big into bow hunting. Most likely to erase the memory of Survivor Two's Mike Skubin.

Age: 23
Occupation: Youth Mentor
Hometown: Gorham, ME
Her bio spends more time talking about her intellectually stimulating and expansive family than just about anything else. Most likely to vomit first.

Age: 40
Occupation: Drill Sargeant
Hometown: Columbia, SC
Nickname: Sarge. We'll know two minutes into the show whether Lea will be the dead-on favorite (Rudy!) or the biggest pain in the ass ever (Frank!) My bet is with the latter, although he'll have friends if he can hook up with the NASCAR crowd.

Age: 35
Occupation: Research Assistant
Hometown: Kansasville, WI
Don't let the "research assistant" fool ya. The first thing on her bio? She's a model. The second thing on her bio? She's an actress. Research assistant. See: Mechanical Bull Operator (above)

Age: 44
Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Hometown: New Orleans, LA
Cheerleader. Homecoming court. Alpha Tau Omega "Mardi Gras Queen." Owns three pets, "Waddles, Murray, and Dexter" who are a goat, dog and donkey, respectively. Mostly likely to have her mid-life crisis rewarded by being voted off first.

Age: 30
Occupation: Finance Manager
Hometown: Tom's River, NJ
She describes herself as "fun, optimistic, and far too inquisitive." Translated, she is funny, flaky, and obnoxious. Finance Manager? Most of her resume could be rewritten as "crazy bartender."

Age: 35
Occupation: S8 Housing Case Manager
Hometown: Des Moines, IA

Most likely to be a stunt double for Darius Rucker. Looks like a nice guy. Probably means somebody will punch his ass in the eye.

Age: 59
Occupation: Rancher, Entrepreneur
Hometown: Stillwater, OK
The only thing NOT listed on her bio is "Mechanical Bull Operator." Most likely to be able to kick my butt from here to Oklahoma and back. Her Survivor success will be entirely dependent on her ability to tone down her knowledge and achievements to an acceptable level.

Age: 33
Occupation: Loss Prevention
Hometown: Blountville, TN
Nickname: Bubba. He's the oldest looking 33 year old I've ever seen. Notable items on his Bio: Works for Walmart. Spent time with his Grandfather watching The Price is Right. And Wrassling. Pursued a wrassling career on the side. His wife is his hero because she went through thirty eight months of pain to bring her children into this world. Wow. And here I was complaining about thirty four hours of labor. Most likely anger viewers nation-wide by channeling Johnny Fairplay.

Age: 41
Occupation: Highway Repair
Hometown: Marshall, MO

If that isn't a picture of Robin Williams in a cowboy hat, I'll hat.

So there you have it. Eighteen players (three teams again, maybe?)
for Survivor Nine: Vanuatu.
Season Premiere, Thursday September 16, 8:00 pm.
All I want to know is, which one is the naked guy?
Place your bets now.


Anonymous said...

I knew that reading your version would be way more entertaining than at

Looks like we have a season chock-full of Bible, gun-toting lesbians and men with stupid nicknames.

Sept. 16th will be a good day all-around. Overg is coming to visit, it's my birthday, and there's a whole new group of Survivors to hate! Woot!

TVJ said...

I'm skeered of Twila already. I may have to watch this season thru my fingers.

Kat said...

I've got my eye on Scout Cloud whatever her name is for the first vote-off.

I'm going to pimp your rundown in my blog because I have nothing original to write about today.

Anonymous said...

your run-down actually makes me want to watch!

redgremlin04 said...

Brady Finta's legal name on his birth certificate is David Brady Finta. It is Not a nick name! Maybe he should ask Young and the Restless for HIS name back!