Monday, July 31, 2006

Honored Guests

Summertime at TunaU means several months of "non-traditional" students are on campus. They are usually here for a number of summer camps of the sports and academic flavor. This week we are overrun with hundreds of Boy Scouts and leaders in full uniform who are here for the National Order of the Arrow Conference. This, of course, will be a very good thing if I need help tying knots, starting a fire or crossing the street.

As I watched them walking all over campus this morning, it occurred to me that I was very grateful that I was never a 12-year old boy because wool knee-socks and neck kerchiefs in 100 degree weather? Tuna don't do that.

Honored Guests

Summertime at TunaU means several months of "non-traditional" students are on campus. They are usually here for a number of summer camps of the sports and academic flavor. This week we are overrun with hundreds of Boy Scouts and leaders in full uniform who are here for the National Order of the Arrow Conference. This, of course, will be a very good thing if I need help tying knots, starting a fire or crossing the street.

As I watched them walking all over campus this morning, it occurred to me that I was very grateful that I was never a 12-year old boy because wool knee-socks and neck kerchiefs in 100 degree weather? Tuna don't do that.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Ask GreenTuna

Question: Dear GreenTuna:
Since it's summertime and there are lots of fun things I'd rather be doing, can I kill two unpleasant tasks with one stone and count lawn mowing as an aerobic activity?

Answer: Summertime is the time for Mike's, cowbells, yellow shirts and other pleasant activities. Sadly, there are times when the mundane (see: lawn mowing) simply cannot be put off any longer. In certain cases lawn mowing can indeed be considered an aerobic activity. To the highly skilled, or those pressed for time, it is possible to power-walk, jog or even run like hell with a lawn mower. In fact, the last option is advisable when the approaching black storm clouds of death and 50 mph wind gusts lead you to believe that you are about to re-enact the Bishop's quest for the perfect golf game in Caddyshack.

*Phew*

Ask GreenTuna

Question: Dear GreenTuna:
Since it's summertime and there are lots of fun things I'd rather be doing, can I kill two unpleasant tasks with one stone and count lawn mowing as an aerobic activity?

Answer: Summertime is the time for Mike's, cowbells, yellow shirts and other pleasant activities. Sadly, there are times when the mundane (see: lawn mowing) simply cannot be put off any longer. In certain cases lawn mowing can indeed be considered an aerobic activity. To the highly skilled, or those pressed for time, it is possible to power-walk, jog or even run like hell with a lawn mower. In fact, the last option is advisable when the approaching black storm clouds of death and 50 mph wind gusts lead you to believe that you are about to re-enact the Bishop's quest for the perfect golf game in Caddyshack.

*Phew*

Unconcious Mutterings

I say ... And You Think:

1. Italy :: The Boot

2. Honk :: If you love Jesus

3. Shades :: Of Gray

4. Tool :: Idiot

5. Modern :: Art

6. Tension :: Stress

7. Conservative :: Inflexible

8. Weight :: Pounds

9. Insurance :: Guarantee

10. Political :: Maneuvering


What a funny group of words. I'm constantly amazed at what on earth I come up with for these things. Sometimes it's modern slang (as opposed to modern art?) and other times it's ... bumper stickers. Honk if you love Unconcious Mutterings.

Unconcious Mutterings

I say ... And You Think:

1. Italy :: The Boot

2. Honk :: If you love Jesus

3. Shades :: Of Gray

4. Tool :: Idiot

5. Modern :: Art

6. Tension :: Stress

7. Conservative :: Inflexible

8. Weight :: Pounds

9. Insurance :: Guarantee

10. Political :: Maneuvering


What a funny group of words. I'm constantly amazed at what on earth I come up with for these things. Sometimes it's modern slang (as opposed to modern art?) and other times it's ... bumper stickers. Honk if you love Unconcious Mutterings.

Friday, July 28, 2006

TinyTuna's Friday Feast

This Friday Feast was done by Tinytuna!

Appetizer:
What's the funniest dream you can remember having?

Tinytuna: I had a dream about the Baudelaire orphans in a new adventure

Soup:
If you were a dog, what breed would you be and why?

Tinytuna: A Cocker Spaniel, because they are friendly and pretty

Salad:
Continue this sentence, "I get confused when...

Tinytuna: "I get confused when... I see my cats try to kill each other.

Main Course:
Name two things that need to be done, but you are procrastinating in completing?

Tinytuna: Cleaning up my room, and working on the basement!

Dessert:
When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?

Tinytuna: Tried a Mexican restaurant called Chipotle, and had a Naked Burrito! I can't get out of there now! Or any Mexican restaurant for that matter!

TinyTuna's Friday Feast

This Friday Feast was done by Tinytuna!

Appetizer:
What's the funniest dream you can remember having?

Tinytuna: I had a dream about the Baudelaire orphans in a new adventure

Soup:
If you were a dog, what breed would you be and why?

Tinytuna: A Cocker Spaniel, because they are friendly and pretty

Salad:
Continue this sentence, "I get confused when...

Tinytuna: "I get confused when... I see my cats try to kill each other.

Main Course:
Name two things that need to be done, but you are procrastinating in completing?

Tinytuna: Cleaning up my room, and working on the basement!

Dessert:
When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?

Tinytuna: Tried a Mexican restaurant called Chipotle, and had a Naked Burrito! I can't get out of there now! Or any Mexican restaurant for that matter!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Pass The Meme Catch-up (Part One)

I was tagged twice in the past oh, couple of months to complete a meme, and I've been totally negligent in my duties. So, I'm here to play catch up.

First, from NK, I bring you:

8 Qualities I would find ideal in the opposite sex
(Oh Lordy)


1. Willing to Drive Ohio.
With slight apologies to my buds who live in Ohio, driving the Ohio Turnpike has all the excitement of cow tipping, except the cows are encased in hundreds of miles of orange construction cones. Since the Tuna clan travels East at least twice a year, we are too-often faced with two and a half hours of mind-numbing flatness. Drive the 'pike, and you're golden in my book.

2. Ditto The Mackinac Bridge
The Mighty Mac and I have never gotten along, because it's a bazillion miles of bridge (ok, five) that joins the lower and upper peninsulas of Michigan. It likes to sway in the breeze. Your choices when driving the Mac is to drive in the outer lanes, so close to the edge that your car will fall over the side (It's happened before! OK, it was only a Yugo, but still....), or else drive in the inner lanes where there are big grate-things and your car will fall through. It's scary, yo. I drive it when I have to (which isn't often, thank goodness) but I don't like it. Not one little bit.

3. Have a Theme Song -- Have Two
I don't really know what this means, but I think all things worthwhile have theme songs. Where would M*A*S*H be without it's theme song? There are theme songs for going to the store (Driving Miss Daisy), and theme songs for midnight dumpster dumping (Mission Impossible). If you can't think of an existing theme song for a given occasion, then make one up. Bonus points for lyrics. Double bonus points for rhyming lyrics. Triple bonus points if you can sing it in front of my mother.

4. Beer Me.
But please stay away from the one-syllable ones. Stroh's, Hamms, Pabst, Bud ... These aren't beers, they're gross. There is, however, a large exception for Mike's, which of course, isn't beer, but nectar of the Gods. Just no apple flavored, please. There's nothing worse than drinking an alcoholic Jolly Rancher.

5. Know where all my remotes are
Requiring the skills of a hunting dog, or maybe a membership with the psychic friends network, I need someone who knows where I left my remotes, because Lord knows I couldn't possibly stand up and walk across the living room to change the channels myself.

6. Ditto, Car Keys
I carry around an obscenely huge wad of keys just so I can find them. I would love to downsize, but am afraid to do so without a twelve-step program or the help of someone more organized than I am.

7. Know the Answers to Life's Big Musical Questions
  • Who let the dogs out?
  • What's Love Got to Do with It?
  • Where have all the flowers gone?
  • Why do fools rush in?
  • How are things in Glocca Morra?
8. Love, Honor and Respect that which makes the world go round.
More cowbell.

Pass The Meme Catch-up (Part One)

I was tagged twice in the past oh, couple of months to complete a meme, and I've been totally negligent in my duties. So, I'm here to play catch up.

First, from NK, I bring you:

8 Qualities I would find ideal in the opposite sex
(Oh Lordy)


1. Willing to Drive Ohio.
With slight apologies to my buds who live in Ohio, driving the Ohio Turnpike has all the excitement of cow tipping, except the cows are encased in hundreds of miles of orange construction cones. Since the Tuna clan travels East at least twice a year, we are too-often faced with two and a half hours of mind-numbing flatness. Drive the 'pike, and you're golden in my book.

2. Ditto The Mackinac Bridge
The Mighty Mac and I have never gotten along, because it's a bazillion miles of bridge (ok, five) that joins the lower and upper peninsulas of Michigan. It likes to sway in the breeze. Your choices when driving the Mac is to drive in the outer lanes, so close to the edge that your car will fall over the side (It's happened before! OK, it was only a Yugo, but still....), or else drive in the inner lanes where there are big grate-things and your car will fall through. It's scary, yo. I drive it when I have to (which isn't often, thank goodness) but I don't like it. Not one little bit.

3. Have a Theme Song -- Have Two
I don't really know what this means, but I think all things worthwhile have theme songs. Where would M*A*S*H be without it's theme song? There are theme songs for going to the store (Driving Miss Daisy), and theme songs for midnight dumpster dumping (Mission Impossible). If you can't think of an existing theme song for a given occasion, then make one up. Bonus points for lyrics. Double bonus points for rhyming lyrics. Triple bonus points if you can sing it in front of my mother.

4. Beer Me.
But please stay away from the one-syllable ones. Stroh's, Hamms, Pabst, Bud ... These aren't beers, they're gross. There is, however, a large exception for Mike's, which of course, isn't beer, but nectar of the Gods. Just no apple flavored, please. There's nothing worse than drinking an alcoholic Jolly Rancher.

5. Know where all my remotes are
Requiring the skills of a hunting dog, or maybe a membership with the psychic friends network, I need someone who knows where I left my remotes, because Lord knows I couldn't possibly stand up and walk across the living room to change the channels myself.

6. Ditto, Car Keys
I carry around an obscenely huge wad of keys just so I can find them. I would love to downsize, but am afraid to do so without a twelve-step program or the help of someone more organized than I am.

7. Know the Answers to Life's Big Musical Questions
  • Who let the dogs out?
  • What's Love Got to Do with It?
  • Where have all the flowers gone?
  • Why do fools rush in?
  • How are things in Glocca Morra?
8. Love, Honor and Respect that which makes the world go round.
More cowbell.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

All About TinyTuna

Living with a 12-year old is very much like riding a roller coaster in the dark. You have no idea where you're going, when you're going to climb, when you're going to level off and when you're going to plunge.

And forget about seatbelts.

In the past 24 hours TinyTuna has gone from giddy happy to ungodly unpleasant to tired and mopey to extremely even-keeled, thoughtful and (in outstanding Tuna tradition) partly funny with scattered sarcasm and smart-ass.

It started yesterday morning with her new Junior Lifeguard class. There is nothing like a pool (or an ocean) make TinyTuna's day. She came back drippy but bouncing off the walls, all geeked about swimming. She then celebrated by inhaling all of her lunch ... and half of mine.

The afternoon was OK until it was time to leave the office. When her request for yet another beverage purchase was declined by the bank of mom (due to the very logical reasoning that it takes all of 5 minutes to get home and then she could drink whatever she wanted) she went into full Satan mode and walked with great fury ahead of me all the way to the car. I was slightly amused as we approached the parking lot because she didn't know where I had parked the car, and I was curious how far her rage would take her across before she realized she didn't know which way to go.

The snit continued after dinner as we ran a quick errand to buy some curtains. As we were standing in line she found a display case full of makeup kits that were packaged like tiny old fashioned suitcases or hatboxes.

"Will you buy me one of these?" She asked.

"Nope," I answered. "You don't wear makeup."

"But..." She stammered. "They're so pretty. PLEASE?"

"No." I answered again. "I'm not buying anything today. Besides, You. Don't. Wear. Makeup."

On and on and around and around it went, and I was in NO mood to have the makeup argument. Not accepting my very logical reasoning that she was too young to wear makeup and I wasn't going to buy it, she turned to me in unholy rage and spewed, "I AM NOT YOUNG! I AM A PRE-ADULT!!!"

At which point, I broke every caring, loving, gentle parenting rule there is, and laughed out loud.

And then I said "No" yet again. And laughed some more.

She came home and spent some quality time laying on her bed with her own personal storm cloud over her own little head. And then...she got up, cleaned her room, returned to a rather pleasant young lady and apologized.

This morning, she was back to her well-behaved, acting far beyond her years self again. While we drove to work we talked about opera. She was quite intrigued with the story of Tosca, and figured out the ending before I was halfway through explaining the second act (No WAY was he going to let them go. If the bad guy says there won't be any bullets ... FOR SURE there is going to be bullets). Then she went so far as to compliment me on my clothes and asked why I was so dressed up. I gave the stock because it was clean answer. She looked me over, cocked an eyebrow, and said with a bit of an evil grin, "OK. We can go with that...if that's you want."

Twelve. Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

All About TinyTuna

Living with a 12-year old is very much like riding a roller coaster in the dark. You have no idea where you're going, when you're going to climb, when you're going to level off and when you're going to plunge.

And forget about seatbelts.

In the past 24 hours TinyTuna has gone from giddy happy to ungodly unpleasant to tired and mopey to extremely even-keeled, thoughtful and (in outstanding Tuna tradition) partly funny with scattered sarcasm and smart-ass.

It started yesterday morning with her new Junior Lifeguard class. There is nothing like a pool (or an ocean) make TinyTuna's day. She came back drippy but bouncing off the walls, all geeked about swimming. She then celebrated by inhaling all of her lunch ... and half of mine.

The afternoon was OK until it was time to leave the office. When her request for yet another beverage purchase was declined by the bank of mom (due to the very logical reasoning that it takes all of 5 minutes to get home and then she could drink whatever she wanted) she went into full Satan mode and walked with great fury ahead of me all the way to the car. I was slightly amused as we approached the parking lot because she didn't know where I had parked the car, and I was curious how far her rage would take her across before she realized she didn't know which way to go.

The snit continued after dinner as we ran a quick errand to buy some curtains. As we were standing in line she found a display case full of makeup kits that were packaged like tiny old fashioned suitcases or hatboxes.

"Will you buy me one of these?" She asked.

"Nope," I answered. "You don't wear makeup."

"But..." She stammered. "They're so pretty. PLEASE?"

"No." I answered again. "I'm not buying anything today. Besides, You. Don't. Wear. Makeup."

On and on and around and around it went, and I was in NO mood to have the makeup argument. Not accepting my very logical reasoning that she was too young to wear makeup and I wasn't going to buy it, she turned to me in unholy rage and spewed, "I AM NOT YOUNG! I AM A PRE-ADULT!!!"

At which point, I broke every caring, loving, gentle parenting rule there is, and laughed out loud.

And then I said "No" yet again. And laughed some more.

She came home and spent some quality time laying on her bed with her own personal storm cloud over her own little head. And then...she got up, cleaned her room, returned to a rather pleasant young lady and apologized.

This morning, she was back to her well-behaved, acting far beyond her years self again. While we drove to work we talked about opera. She was quite intrigued with the story of Tosca, and figured out the ending before I was halfway through explaining the second act (No WAY was he going to let them go. If the bad guy says there won't be any bullets ... FOR SURE there is going to be bullets). Then she went so far as to compliment me on my clothes and asked why I was so dressed up. I gave the stock because it was clean answer. She looked me over, cocked an eyebrow, and said with a bit of an evil grin, "OK. We can go with that...if that's you want."

Twelve. Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

A League of My Own

Major League Baseball is currently a popular topic in local sports, because this year the Detroit Tigers are actually good. They're so good, they're caps-lock, leaned over bold GOOD. For those of us who haven't seen anything out of the Tigers since 1988, it's been a pleasant change of pace.

This morning I heard the same pre-recorded sports guy on our local news. He was talking about the baseball standings, and the lead the Detroit held over the Chicago, also known as the team in second place. At the end of his baseball riff, I got very confused, because he said something that sounded exactly like, "....which gives the Tiges a six game lead over the Pale Ho's."

And all I could think of was, "WHAT? What does baseball have to do with albino hookers?"
...
...
...
After the third broadcast of the same story, I finally figured it out.

It wasn't Pale Ho's. It was Pale Hose.
Hose as in stockings - Pale as in white.
Pale Hose as in the Chicago White Sox.

They shouldn't be doing this to me on a Sunday morning.

A League of My Own

Major League Baseball is currently a popular topic in local sports, because this year the Detroit Tigers are actually good. They're so good, they're caps-lock, leaned over bold GOOD. For those of us who haven't seen anything out of the Tigers since 1988, it's been a pleasant change of pace.

This morning I heard the same pre-recorded sports guy on our local news. He was talking about the baseball standings, and the lead the Detroit held over the Chicago, also known as the team in second place. At the end of his baseball riff, I got very confused, because he said something that sounded exactly like, "....which gives the Tiges a six game lead over the Pale Ho's."

And all I could think of was, "WHAT? What does baseball have to do with albino hookers?"
...
...
...
After the third broadcast of the same story, I finally figured it out.

It wasn't Pale Ho's. It was Pale Hose.
Hose as in stockings - Pale as in white.
Pale Hose as in the Chicago White Sox.

They shouldn't be doing this to me on a Sunday morning.

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... And you think ::

1. Requirements :: Needs

2. Pizza :: Ham & Double Pineapple

3. Dating :: Pool

4. Issue :: Topic

5. Sharp :: Pointed

6. Distinguish :: Separate from the others

7. Remote :: Control

8. Felony :: Crime

9. Exercise :: Just do it!

10. Choose :: Opt

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... And you think ::

1. Requirements :: Needs

2. Pizza :: Ham & Double Pineapple

3. Dating :: Pool

4. Issue :: Topic

5. Sharp :: Pointed

6. Distinguish :: Separate from the others

7. Remote :: Control

8. Felony :: Crime

9. Exercise :: Just do it!

10. Choose :: Opt

Friday, July 21, 2006

Friday's Feast

Barely past breakfast and it's time to feast? It's time to boldy go where no split infinitives have gone before...

Appetizer: Fill in the blanks: I _________ when I _________.
I verb when I verb? Poor verb number one. It's very existence depends on verb number two. Verbs need to assert their independence. Down with verb tyranny! End verb dependency! Stop the inhumanity! Oh....alright:
I love it when I get more cowbell.

Soup: Name something you use to make your home smell good.
Well, if we're talking good smells that exist for good smell's sake, we're talking cooking, and if we're talking cooking, there are too many good smells to pick one. Warm bread, sweet strawberries, roasted garlic, curry and PIE. If we're talking good smells that exist to defeat the power of unpleasant smells, it'd be a toss-up between a clean litter pan, a citrus candle, or the holy can of cinnamon. Personally, I'd rather go for the pie.

Salad: If you could receive a coupon for 50% off any product, what would you want it to be for?
A new car.

Main Course: Besides sleeping, what do you spend the majority of the hours of your typical day doing?
Being a smart ass.

Dessert: What can you hear right now while answering these questions?
The idyllic pounding of a jackhammer across the street, my boss typing on the typewriter in my office, and my iPod on shuffle. I need more cowbell.

Friday's Feast

Barely past breakfast and it's time to feast? It's time to boldy go where no split infinitives have gone before...

Appetizer: Fill in the blanks: I _________ when I _________.
I verb when I verb? Poor verb number one. It's very existence depends on verb number two. Verbs need to assert their independence. Down with verb tyranny! End verb dependency! Stop the inhumanity! Oh....alright:
I love it when I get more cowbell.

Soup: Name something you use to make your home smell good.
Well, if we're talking good smells that exist for good smell's sake, we're talking cooking, and if we're talking cooking, there are too many good smells to pick one. Warm bread, sweet strawberries, roasted garlic, curry and PIE. If we're talking good smells that exist to defeat the power of unpleasant smells, it'd be a toss-up between a clean litter pan, a citrus candle, or the holy can of cinnamon. Personally, I'd rather go for the pie.

Salad: If you could receive a coupon for 50% off any product, what would you want it to be for?
A new car.

Main Course: Besides sleeping, what do you spend the majority of the hours of your typical day doing?
Being a smart ass.

Dessert: What can you hear right now while answering these questions?
The idyllic pounding of a jackhammer across the street, my boss typing on the typewriter in my office, and my iPod on shuffle. I need more cowbell.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Perspectives

Every morning I park at the TunaU Stadium and take a short walk to get to the office. My route includes crossing the footbridge that spans the Red Cedar River. Generally speaking, mornings are bleary-eyed affairs, and I consider myself lucky if I don't fall on my face or get run over by an equally bleary-eyed student on a bike.

The Red Cedar river is home to lots of things (many of which do not belong in a river) and is the home territory to the mighty ducks. There are A LOT of ducks around here, and they form the aquatic branch of the TunaU animal mafia. Between the ducks and squirrels, if have food, you might as well just hand it over and keep going. They're a tough crowd.

As I was crossing the river this morning something caught my eye, so I stopped. It was hard to see because the morning was very overcast and the river was dark grey, but in the shadows I thought I saw a big heron. I've seen it once or twice before, and always consider myself lucky when our paths cross. I stood there for quite awhile, trying to make sure I wasn't marveling at a big stick (which I must admit, has been known to happen). It was too dark to tell, so quietly, I took a few more steps across the bridge. As I did, the light shifted to the center of the river, and there was the heron, standing in the middle of the stream. It had been there the whole time.

Neither the heron nor I moved for several minutes. As I looked back up the still-darkened bridge, I smiled, thinking how glad I was that I moved out of the shadows and into the light. If I hadn't changed my perspective, I might have missed something special.

I guess I am lucky.

Perspectives

Every morning I park at the TunaU Stadium and take a short walk to get to the office. My route includes crossing the footbridge that spans the Red Cedar River. Generally speaking, mornings are bleary-eyed affairs, and I consider myself lucky if I don't fall on my face or get run over by an equally bleary-eyed student on a bike.

The Red Cedar river is home to lots of things (many of which do not belong in a river) and is the home territory to the mighty ducks. There are A LOT of ducks around here, and they form the aquatic branch of the TunaU animal mafia. Between the ducks and squirrels, if have food, you might as well just hand it over and keep going. They're a tough crowd.

As I was crossing the river this morning something caught my eye, so I stopped. It was hard to see because the morning was very overcast and the river was dark grey, but in the shadows I thought I saw a big heron. I've seen it once or twice before, and always consider myself lucky when our paths cross. I stood there for quite awhile, trying to make sure I wasn't marveling at a big stick (which I must admit, has been known to happen). It was too dark to tell, so quietly, I took a few more steps across the bridge. As I did, the light shifted to the center of the river, and there was the heron, standing in the middle of the stream. It had been there the whole time.

Neither the heron nor I moved for several minutes. As I looked back up the still-darkened bridge, I smiled, thinking how glad I was that I moved out of the shadows and into the light. If I hadn't changed my perspective, I might have missed something special.

I guess I am lucky.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Cowbell Haiku

Tonight we are off to hear more music. One of our favorite local bands -- with people in it we actually know -- will be performing in the park. Even better? I can guarantee you that they will play MORE than seven songs (*coughcoughBangles*). As always I'll be ready with my shouts of MORE COWBELL, because if you think about it, can there EVER be too much cowbell? No, I didn't think so.

Some people applaud,
Others shout for more cowbell.
Highest form of praise.

What this world needs now?
A Hint: it's not love sweet love.
It's much more cowbell.

Hard to understand
The allure of the cowbell.
Cowsmic mystery?

I'm always yelling
I've got to have more cowbell.
Guess I'm just bossy.

Concerts in the park
Food, drink, chairs, friends and cowbell
Check, check, check, check, moo.

Cowbell Haiku

Tonight we are off to hear more music. One of our favorite local bands -- with people in it we actually know -- will be performing in the park. Even better? I can guarantee you that they will play MORE than seven songs (*coughcoughBangles*). As always I'll be ready with my shouts of MORE COWBELL, because if you think about it, can there EVER be too much cowbell? No, I didn't think so.

Some people applaud,
Others shout for more cowbell.
Highest form of praise.

What this world needs now?
A Hint: it's not love sweet love.
It's much more cowbell.

Hard to understand
The allure of the cowbell.
Cowsmic mystery?

I'm always yelling
I've got to have more cowbell.
Guess I'm just bossy.

Concerts in the park
Food, drink, chairs, friends and cowbell
Check, check, check, check, moo.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Tunapalooza 2006

Sunday night wrapped up the week long Tunapalooza festival. What a party!

Monday Night: The Steve Miller Band

The Steve Miller band was amazing. They played forever and then came out and did another half-hour. Best line of the night was when they returned for the encores and said, "What do you want us to play? We'll do anything!" I was amazed at how great they still sounded. The vocals were tight and not tired, and it was clear that this was a group of people that simply loved what they were doing. It was the biggest crowd of the night, and we would have stayed another three hours to hear them play. Awesome.


Tuesday Night: Bonnie Raitt

Tuesday night was the one night of bad weather. And when I say bad, I mean even ducks were taking cover. It would sputter rain, then it would rain, then it would downpour. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Our seats got better and better as our butts got wetter and wetter. The last time Bonnie Raitt was in town (several years ago) she got rained out, and it seemed she was going to do everything in her power to do this show. They'd play a bit, then run offstage, come back and play some more, and run offstage. We were afraid they were going to call the show, because the rain was really that bad, and electrocution has a tendancy to spoil an evening, but amazingly she came back onstage and said, "Well, our equipment is already wet, so we're just going to go ahead and play." It was awesome. Not many of us gutted it out until the end, but for those of us who stayed, it was a real treat. And besides, once you're soaking wet, why go home?


Wednesday Night: Cinderella and Poison

Now, you have to understand that this whole idea of Tuna goes to rock concerts is not usual. It isn't exactly standard music fare in my household, and yes I'll admit, I am the kind of person mostly likely riding the dweeb express instead of the cool kid's bus. Knowing my limitations and not wanting to look like an complete idiot, I would spend the day of the concert listening to 30 second song snippets from iTunes. When we got to Tunapalooza Wednesday night the rain was gone (but the tennis shoes were still wet at home) and the heat was back. I was a little unsure what kind of crowd might show up for the concerts, but the answer appeared to be slightly hysterical with an 80 percent chance of overly friendly. To my right sat what appeared to be a 65 year old motorcycle guy. He was short and skinny with a long beard, ripped jeans, leather leggings, black POISON T-shirt and approximately 4.5 teeth. When I finished setting up my chair I sat down and he looked at me, grinned a huge 4.5 toothed grin and said, "HOWDY, NEIGHBOR!" Mr. Rodgers would have been so proud. My newfound buddy went on (and on and on) about how excited he was to hear Poison (WOO!) and they were so awesome (WOO!) and he never knew Tunapalooza existed (WOO!) and he was going to sure come back again (WOO!). It was that kind of night. Later we heard the life story of our neighbors to the left of us -- 48 years old (WOO!), he had a new job (WOO!) in the Ethanol industry (WOO!) and he just passed his drug test (WOO!) wanted to bring his kids here (WOO!) and show them you could have fun without doing drugs (WOO!). We were the Oprah of the head-bangers ball.

As for the concert, I must admit Cinderella did very little for me. But Poison? I had never really heard of them before, but their show was great (WOO!) and I'd go hear them in concert again (WOO!). Who knows, maybe it's not too late to be a cool kid. (WOO!)


Thursday Night: Styx

In addition to being Spanish Inquisition night, Thursday night was Styx. Styx is my era. These are songs I ACTUALLY KNOW WITHOUT PROMPTING. And they didn't disappoint. Still alive, they came onstage and played all the great ones, including.....
Cartman: “No way dude. I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song, Come Sail Away, by Styx? If I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it.”
Kyle: “Really?
Cartman: “Yeah, I can't do anything 'til it's done.
Kyle: I'm sailing away...


Friday Night: Cheap Trick
Friday night I passed off my tickets, so you'll have to get the lowdown from Mensch because she had my tickets. Best line of Friday night that I didn't hear: "HELLO (... pause pause pause ... read palm of hand ...) LANSING!"


Saturday Night: The Bangles

I purposely did not tell TinyTuna I was going to hear The Bangles, because if she knew I was going to see the REAL PEOPLE who sing "Walk Like an Egyptian" she would have had an unholy fit. Fortunately, I had already shipped her to the southern reaches of the United States so she could do good for others, and I was free to play.

Ahh, the Bangles. I could go on and on for an hour about the Bangles, but THAT WOULD BE LONGER THAN THEIR CONCERT. Seriously. They sang what, seven songs? They came onstage close to 9:30 and when they started Walking Like an Egyptian at 10pm, I turned to Mensch and said, "Well NOW what are they going to do?" The answer was, leave the stage, come back, sing two more songs, and then LEAVE. Although they sounded great, they played with the enthusiasm of someone who booked this concert because they had to make a house payment.


Sunday Night: Ted Nugent

Ah The Nuge. Yes, indeed, I went to hear Ted Nugent. Why? Because I had the ticket. I decided to go for the company (duh) and as a social observer. I knew zero songs, except the remake of "I'm a Soul Man" that I know from the Blues Brothers movie. I spent copious amounts of time text messaging Mensch because I knew she was quite distraught at not having a ticket herself, and I didn't want her to miss a thing. It's no surprise that Uncle Ted and I have polar opposite viewpoints on all things political, but luckily the scary redneck lady behind me screamed "BUSH SUCKS" and I figured she summed up my feelings quite succinctly. Thanks, scary redneck lady!

The best part of the night was discovering we were sitting right next to the evening's media darling, PUNK BABY. He rocked out to Uncle Ted and we played peek-a-boo.



What a week.
I can't wait for Tunapalooza 2007.

Tunapalooza 2006

Sunday night wrapped up the week long Tunapalooza festival. What a party!

Monday Night: The Steve Miller Band

The Steve Miller band was amazing. They played forever and then came out and did another half-hour. Best line of the night was when they returned for the encores and said, "What do you want us to play? We'll do anything!" I was amazed at how great they still sounded. The vocals were tight and not tired, and it was clear that this was a group of people that simply loved what they were doing. It was the biggest crowd of the night, and we would have stayed another three hours to hear them play. Awesome.


Tuesday Night: Bonnie Raitt

Tuesday night was the one night of bad weather. And when I say bad, I mean even ducks were taking cover. It would sputter rain, then it would rain, then it would downpour. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Our seats got better and better as our butts got wetter and wetter. The last time Bonnie Raitt was in town (several years ago) she got rained out, and it seemed she was going to do everything in her power to do this show. They'd play a bit, then run offstage, come back and play some more, and run offstage. We were afraid they were going to call the show, because the rain was really that bad, and electrocution has a tendancy to spoil an evening, but amazingly she came back onstage and said, "Well, our equipment is already wet, so we're just going to go ahead and play." It was awesome. Not many of us gutted it out until the end, but for those of us who stayed, it was a real treat. And besides, once you're soaking wet, why go home?


Wednesday Night: Cinderella and Poison

Now, you have to understand that this whole idea of Tuna goes to rock concerts is not usual. It isn't exactly standard music fare in my household, and yes I'll admit, I am the kind of person mostly likely riding the dweeb express instead of the cool kid's bus. Knowing my limitations and not wanting to look like an complete idiot, I would spend the day of the concert listening to 30 second song snippets from iTunes. When we got to Tunapalooza Wednesday night the rain was gone (but the tennis shoes were still wet at home) and the heat was back. I was a little unsure what kind of crowd might show up for the concerts, but the answer appeared to be slightly hysterical with an 80 percent chance of overly friendly. To my right sat what appeared to be a 65 year old motorcycle guy. He was short and skinny with a long beard, ripped jeans, leather leggings, black POISON T-shirt and approximately 4.5 teeth. When I finished setting up my chair I sat down and he looked at me, grinned a huge 4.5 toothed grin and said, "HOWDY, NEIGHBOR!" Mr. Rodgers would have been so proud. My newfound buddy went on (and on and on) about how excited he was to hear Poison (WOO!) and they were so awesome (WOO!) and he never knew Tunapalooza existed (WOO!) and he was going to sure come back again (WOO!). It was that kind of night. Later we heard the life story of our neighbors to the left of us -- 48 years old (WOO!), he had a new job (WOO!) in the Ethanol industry (WOO!) and he just passed his drug test (WOO!) wanted to bring his kids here (WOO!) and show them you could have fun without doing drugs (WOO!). We were the Oprah of the head-bangers ball.

As for the concert, I must admit Cinderella did very little for me. But Poison? I had never really heard of them before, but their show was great (WOO!) and I'd go hear them in concert again (WOO!). Who knows, maybe it's not too late to be a cool kid. (WOO!)


Thursday Night: Styx

In addition to being Spanish Inquisition night, Thursday night was Styx. Styx is my era. These are songs I ACTUALLY KNOW WITHOUT PROMPTING. And they didn't disappoint. Still alive, they came onstage and played all the great ones, including.....
Cartman: “No way dude. I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song, Come Sail Away, by Styx? If I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it.”
Kyle: “Really?
Cartman: “Yeah, I can't do anything 'til it's done.
Kyle: I'm sailing away...


Friday Night: Cheap Trick
Friday night I passed off my tickets, so you'll have to get the lowdown from Mensch because she had my tickets. Best line of Friday night that I didn't hear: "HELLO (... pause pause pause ... read palm of hand ...) LANSING!"


Saturday Night: The Bangles

I purposely did not tell TinyTuna I was going to hear The Bangles, because if she knew I was going to see the REAL PEOPLE who sing "Walk Like an Egyptian" she would have had an unholy fit. Fortunately, I had already shipped her to the southern reaches of the United States so she could do good for others, and I was free to play.

Ahh, the Bangles. I could go on and on for an hour about the Bangles, but THAT WOULD BE LONGER THAN THEIR CONCERT. Seriously. They sang what, seven songs? They came onstage close to 9:30 and when they started Walking Like an Egyptian at 10pm, I turned to Mensch and said, "Well NOW what are they going to do?" The answer was, leave the stage, come back, sing two more songs, and then LEAVE. Although they sounded great, they played with the enthusiasm of someone who booked this concert because they had to make a house payment.


Sunday Night: Ted Nugent

Ah The Nuge. Yes, indeed, I went to hear Ted Nugent. Why? Because I had the ticket. I decided to go for the company (duh) and as a social observer. I knew zero songs, except the remake of "I'm a Soul Man" that I know from the Blues Brothers movie. I spent copious amounts of time text messaging Mensch because I knew she was quite distraught at not having a ticket herself, and I didn't want her to miss a thing. It's no surprise that Uncle Ted and I have polar opposite viewpoints on all things political, but luckily the scary redneck lady behind me screamed "BUSH SUCKS" and I figured she summed up my feelings quite succinctly. Thanks, scary redneck lady!

The best part of the night was discovering we were sitting right next to the evening's media darling, PUNK BABY. He rocked out to Uncle Ted and we played peek-a-boo.



What a week.
I can't wait for Tunapalooza 2007.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Fashion Police

Yesterday I had plans to go out and hear The Steve Miller Band in an outdoor concert. Since "go out" rarely occurs for me in a social context, TinyTuna was interested in the happenings. When it was time to go, I walked out of my bedroom and told her it was time for me to leave.

"Mom!" She said enthusiastically.

"What?" I answered.

"You're so dressed up!"

I looked down, and then I looked back up at her, confused. "I'm wearing blue jeans, tennis shoes and a T-Shirt. How exactly is that "dressed up?"

She got very solemn and said, "You're wearing YELLOW!"

I looked at my shirt and looked back up again. "And that is dressed up?"

"Yep," she answered, returning to her dinner. "But if you spill something on it, you're dead."

Duly chastised, I told her I'd do my best to keep it clean, and off I went.

The concert was unbelievable. The band played until 11:30 pm, and then came back and did another half-hour of encores. Aside from a few critical errors like enormous bathroom lines post-concert, and attempting to find food when the show was over which amounted to an evening way, way WAY later than planned, the night was absolutely fabulous.

Fashion Police

Yesterday I had plans to go out and hear The Steve Miller Band in an outdoor concert. Since "go out" rarely occurs for me in a social context, TinyTuna was interested in the happenings. When it was time to go, I walked out of my bedroom and told her it was time for me to leave.

"Mom!" She said enthusiastically.

"What?" I answered.

"You're so dressed up!"

I looked down, and then I looked back up at her, confused. "I'm wearing blue jeans, tennis shoes and a T-Shirt. How exactly is that "dressed up?"

She got very solemn and said, "You're wearing YELLOW!"

I looked at my shirt and looked back up again. "And that is dressed up?"

"Yep," she answered, returning to her dinner. "But if you spill something on it, you're dead."

Duly chastised, I told her I'd do my best to keep it clean, and off I went.

The concert was unbelievable. The band played until 11:30 pm, and then came back and did another half-hour of encores. Aside from a few critical errors like enormous bathroom lines post-concert, and attempting to find food when the show was over which amounted to an evening way, way WAY later than planned, the night was absolutely fabulous.

Monday, July 10, 2006

This End Up

Yesterday, at the birthday party for the nearly 7-year old fabulously weird NephewTuna, TinaTuna was chomping at the bit for us to get going there was a POOL, and where there is water, there shall she be in a bathing suit also.

When we got there, she found a huge inflatable chaise lounge sort of thing. It looked sort of like this


but was more ski-rampish and less curved to resemble any sort of body shape. TinyTuna looked it over for several minutes, trying to figure out which end was up and how to get on it.

"Which way does this go?" She yelled.

"What do you mean which way does it go?" I said.

"How do I get on it? Which end do I put my head and which end do I put my feet?"

I pondered for a minute and then said, "Well that all depends if your plan is to lounge at the pool or visit the gynecologist."

This End Up

Yesterday, at the birthday party for the nearly 7-year old fabulously weird NephewTuna, TinaTuna was chomping at the bit for us to get going there was a POOL, and where there is water, there shall she be in a bathing suit also.

When we got there, she found a huge inflatable chaise lounge sort of thing. It looked sort of like this


but was more ski-rampish and less curved to resemble any sort of body shape. TinyTuna looked it over for several minutes, trying to figure out which end was up and how to get on it.

"Which way does this go?" She yelled.

"What do you mean which way does it go?" I said.

"How do I get on it? Which end do I put my head and which end do I put my feet?"

I pondered for a minute and then said, "Well that all depends if your plan is to lounge at the pool or visit the gynecologist."

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... And you think:

1. Face it :: Face facts

2. Healthy :: Wealthy and wise

3. Cartoon :: Bugs Bunny

4. Device :: Gadget

5. Raider :: Of the Lost Ark

6. Closer :: Nearer

7. Admission :: Of guilt

8. Culture :: Arts

9. Stakes :: Tent

10. Heartbroken :: Disappointed



Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... And you think:

1. Face it :: Face facts

2. Healthy :: Wealthy and wise

3. Cartoon :: Bugs Bunny

4. Device :: Gadget

5. Raider :: Of the Lost Ark

6. Closer :: Nearer

7. Admission :: Of guilt

8. Culture :: Arts

9. Stakes :: Tent

10. Heartbroken :: Disappointed



Friday, July 07, 2006

Friday's Feast

Who's hungry?

Appetizer: When was the last time you visited a hospital?
NephewTuna turns 7 in less than a week. I'm sure I've been to a hospital since then, but knock wood that my visits so far have been few and far between.

Soup: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how ambitious are you?
It all depends on my motivator. Mike's Hard Lemonade ranks an 8, Mince Pie ranks a coma inducing negative 37.

Salad: Make a sentence using the letters of a body part
(Example: m-o-u-t-h = my other ukelele tings healthily)

T-E-E-T-H = That egregious example tanked hard.

Main Course: If you were to start a club, what would the subject matter be, and what would you name it?
Too many choices. Reading is great, except I don't care for the whole group discussion with canned questions at the end. Anything including tasty treats or something sippable is always good. Movies are an excellent choice, as is spinning, knitting or cross-stitch. Then there is the whole gambit of outside things: gardening, walking, hiking, biking, swimming, camping. I can't ignore the nerd side of me with computers and the like. I think my club would be called do whatever the hell you want to do today and be happy doing it club. Extra happy if you have a Mike's.

Dessert: What color is the carpeting/flooring in your home?
The major color is clutter, which serves as an accent to nasty rip-this-up-now teal blue.

Friday's Feast

Who's hungry?

Appetizer: When was the last time you visited a hospital?
NephewTuna turns 7 in less than a week. I'm sure I've been to a hospital since then, but knock wood that my visits so far have been few and far between.

Soup: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how ambitious are you?
It all depends on my motivator. Mike's Hard Lemonade ranks an 8, Mince Pie ranks a coma inducing negative 37.

Salad: Make a sentence using the letters of a body part
(Example: m-o-u-t-h = my other ukelele tings healthily)

T-E-E-T-H = That egregious example tanked hard.

Main Course: If you were to start a club, what would the subject matter be, and what would you name it?
Too many choices. Reading is great, except I don't care for the whole group discussion with canned questions at the end. Anything including tasty treats or something sippable is always good. Movies are an excellent choice, as is spinning, knitting or cross-stitch. Then there is the whole gambit of outside things: gardening, walking, hiking, biking, swimming, camping. I can't ignore the nerd side of me with computers and the like. I think my club would be called do whatever the hell you want to do today and be happy doing it club. Extra happy if you have a Mike's.

Dessert: What color is the carpeting/flooring in your home?
The major color is clutter, which serves as an accent to nasty rip-this-up-now teal blue.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Twelve Months Later



It is time

Alison ~ Boogie ~ Bunky ~ Cowboy ~ Dana ~ Danielle ~ Diane ~ Erica ~ George ~ Howie ~ Ivette ~ James ~ Janelle ~ Jase ~ Kaysar ~ Lisa ~ Marcellas ~ Monica ~ Nakomis ~ Dr. Will

Twelve Months Later



It is time

Alison ~ Boogie ~ Bunky ~ Cowboy ~ Dana ~ Danielle ~ Diane ~ Erica ~ George ~ Howie ~ Ivette ~ James ~ Janelle ~ Jase ~ Kaysar ~ Lisa ~ Marcellas ~ Monica ~ Nakomis ~ Dr. Will

Teach Your Children ... Well?

Lately TinyTuna has been picking up on my (sometimes bad) habit of public commentary. Usually it is a gentle mutterance about needing to use the pedal on the right to go, causing major bottlenecks by abandoning carts in the middle of grocery store aisles, or waiting in long line at McDonald's and then still not knowing what you want to eat.

PSA -- It's not rocket science: Burger, Fries, Coke.

In the past, I could vent my spleen in peace, knowing that TinyTuna didn't care what one earth I was saying. But now, sadly, because she is older, she listens to me at, frankly, inopportune moments.

"Mom!! Why are you making fun of people?"

It's a drag to be scolded by a 12-year old. It's even worse when it's your own 12-year old, because it means you have been caught doing something scold-worthy, that is, something which you yourself have scolded others on in the past.

My best defense is an admittedly weak argument of parental immunity, as in, "I'm not making fun. I'm ... just saying ... "

TinyTuna doesn't buy it.
If I were 12, I wouldn't either.

Having been chastised (yet again) on Sunday in the grocery store parking lot, I tried hard to keep my mouth shut. As I was looking for a parking spot, I had to wait for a teenaged employee to push a quarter mile of carts through the parking lot back to the store. From the neck up, this guy was sporting a look that could be best described as a cross between Don King and Bob Marley. Although it was crying for commentary, I wasn't going to say anything and risk another lecture from Miss Manners.

As he passed the car and I began turning into my parking spot, what should I hear coming from the back seat?

"Bad hair day, anyone?"

The proper parent in me laughed and shot back, "Who's making fun of people NOW?"

The improper parent channeled Miss Clairee from Steel Magnolias and said to herself, "Very good. Spoken like a true smart ass."

Teach Your Children ... Well?

Lately TinyTuna has been picking up on my (sometimes bad) habit of public commentary. Usually it is a gentle mutterance about needing to use the pedal on the right to go, causing major bottlenecks by abandoning carts in the middle of grocery store aisles, or waiting in long line at McDonald's and then still not knowing what you want to eat.

PSA -- It's not rocket science: Burger, Fries, Coke.

In the past, I could vent my spleen in peace, knowing that TinyTuna didn't care what one earth I was saying. But now, sadly, because she is older, she listens to me at, frankly, inopportune moments.

"Mom!! Why are you making fun of people?"

It's a drag to be scolded by a 12-year old. It's even worse when it's your own 12-year old, because it means you have been caught doing something scold-worthy, that is, something which you yourself have scolded others on in the past.

My best defense is an admittedly weak argument of parental immunity, as in, "I'm not making fun. I'm ... just saying ... "

TinyTuna doesn't buy it.
If I were 12, I wouldn't either.

Having been chastised (yet again) on Sunday in the grocery store parking lot, I tried hard to keep my mouth shut. As I was looking for a parking spot, I had to wait for a teenaged employee to push a quarter mile of carts through the parking lot back to the store. From the neck up, this guy was sporting a look that could be best described as a cross between Don King and Bob Marley. Although it was crying for commentary, I wasn't going to say anything and risk another lecture from Miss Manners.

As he passed the car and I began turning into my parking spot, what should I hear coming from the back seat?

"Bad hair day, anyone?"

The proper parent in me laughed and shot back, "Who's making fun of people NOW?"

The improper parent channeled Miss Clairee from Steel Magnolias and said to herself, "Very good. Spoken like a true smart ass."

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... And You Think:


1. That :: Girl

2. Fishbowl :: No privacy

3. Church :: I went today

4. All About :: Eve

5. Fist :: Shake

6. Tagline :: Ad

7. Agree :: Assent

8. Leak :: Tired Political Topic

9. Jessica :: Simpson

10. Superman :: Christopher Reeve


Well, that is a list and a half. First of all, I loved That Girl (#1) when I was little. That Anne-Marie was just about the coolest thing ever. All About Eve (#4) -- fab movie -- I saw a few years ago when I got in the mood to watch all the films that had won Best Picture Oscars (I didn't ever finish the list, but it was fun while it lasted). Shaking fists (#5) reminds me of the movie Black Robe where there was some little native guy shaking his fist and his rattling stick and yelling. I never made it all the way through that movie, but I always remember that guy. Leak (#8) is the new terrorist and I'm sick and tired of The Administration pointing its very dirty hands at everybody else. Pots and kettles, people. I apologize profusely for even thinking of Jessica Simpson (#9) and offer up rabbit as a substitution. Finally, Christopher Reeve will always and forever be Superman (#10). He didn't need to be faster than a locomotive or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. He accomplished all that and more without the ability to move a muscle.

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... And You Think:


1. That :: Girl

2. Fishbowl :: No privacy

3. Church :: I went today

4. All About :: Eve

5. Fist :: Shake

6. Tagline :: Ad

7. Agree :: Assent

8. Leak :: Tired Political Topic

9. Jessica :: Simpson

10. Superman :: Christopher Reeve


Well, that is a list and a half. First of all, I loved That Girl (#1) when I was little. That Anne-Marie was just about the coolest thing ever. All About Eve (#4) -- fab movie -- I saw a few years ago when I got in the mood to watch all the films that had won Best Picture Oscars (I didn't ever finish the list, but it was fun while it lasted). Shaking fists (#5) reminds me of the movie Black Robe where there was some little native guy shaking his fist and his rattling stick and yelling. I never made it all the way through that movie, but I always remember that guy. Leak (#8) is the new terrorist and I'm sick and tired of The Administration pointing its very dirty hands at everybody else. Pots and kettles, people. I apologize profusely for even thinking of Jessica Simpson (#9) and offer up rabbit as a substitution. Finally, Christopher Reeve will always and forever be Superman (#10). He didn't need to be faster than a locomotive or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. He accomplished all that and more without the ability to move a muscle.