Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Reebok Resolutions

The great room purge of 2006 was prompted by a single, catastrophic event. On Monday morning, December 26th, as I attempted to pack for the upcoming travels to ride the family go round in our Nation's Capitol, I couldn't find my shoe.

Not shoes. Plural.

Shoe. Singular.

In the midst of the mountains of mess, I found only one shoe that I could wear in public. Everything else was only fit for gardening, lawn mowing, or eating a Home Depot Dog. It's important to note that the wearing of ratty shoes to Home Depot doesn't count as "wearing in public" because it is perfectly acceptable and even expected that one will visit the Depot in scruffy attire.

So I had one good tennis shoe.
And by virtue of having only one shoe, it defied the rule of shoes.
And the rule of shoes is: Where there's one, there's two.

Think about it. You come home. You kick off your shoes. You don't take one off and kick the other one across the room. They stay in somewhat relative proximity to each other. Even with the daily ebb and flow of junk, both shoes should be easily found in a floor sweep made with your remaining shoeless foot.

But I only had one. So I commenced the besocked floor sweep.
Still only one.

So, I moved some stuff onto the bed.
Still only one.

And I moved some other stuff onto the bed.
Still only one.

This was ridiculous.
I had worn both shoes -- at the same time -- 24 hours earlier.
Still only one.

By this time I was over the edge angry. I understood things were a mess, I understood it was my fault, but dammit, all I needed at the moment was my other shoe. My rebel Reebok was holding up my departure. I bruised my ankle by doing a foot floor sweep under the entire bed. It might have been more productive to get on hands and knees and actually look under the bed, but I figured I had already humiliated myself enough for one morning.

Eventually the shoe surfaced. Where it was exactly, I don't know, and frankly, don't care. It showed up, I put it on my foot before I lost it again, and I vowed then and there -- with God as my witness -- that I would never go shoeless again.

As the great room purge of 2006 continues, all my shoes, save one pair, are sitting in the living room, awaiting the final sort and purge. And the rebel Reeboks -- both of them -- are sitting quietly by the side of my bed.

We can only hope my old dogs are learning new tricks.


Anonymous said...

Ha!!! This is why I read your blog. You put everyday situations into their proper hilarious place!! I can totally identify with the random missing shoe and I've thought the same thoughts.(I took them off together) For me it is normally while I'm getting ready for work, which leads me to be late for work or change my outfit entirely for an outfit I can find the shoes for both feet. Glad you were victorious in your search, even if you don't know how the shoe turned up.

Sarah said...

It's a plot by the odd socks that get lost in the laundry to have a shoe for company. Beware of the sock/shoe conspiracy! Pin your socks together before washing them, and your shoes will come obediently in pairs again.