I realize that to most people this is not particularly newsworthy and most likely ranks right back down there with bowel movements (ba-DUMP-bump!). But I am making it newsworthy, dammit.
After successfully forgetting to schedule this routine female procedure for my entire adult life, my doctor finally wizened up, stopped giving me the form with the instructions to "just call and make an appointment" and gave it to the receptionist so she could be sure it was done now, and not five or six years down the line.
So this morning, off I went to face the monster. Bite the bullet. Feel the pinch? Such was my luck that this very same morning was also accompanied by freezing rain, sleet, hail, school closings, AND TinyTuna in tow (with her youthful Ward, GameBoy).
The nurse/technician lady was quite nice and I mentioned I was a "first-timer." As always, I just LOVED when she asked if I was pregnant, and I looked at her, wished I could raise one eyebrow, and simply said, "Only if Jesus wants a brother." Being rather pregnant herself, she cracked up and prepared the vice.
She ripped the adhesive off the back of what looked like an overgrown mouse pad and smooshed it all over the base of the smooshing pad. As if she were telling me the most scandalous secret ever, she said, "now since you've never had one before, you don't know, but let me just tell you ... this makes ALL the difference in the world." I nodded in an "Mmmmmkay" kind of way and prepared for the worst. After my first pose I could only say one thing:
"Are you kidding me? Is THIS IT?"
"Yep!" She said, as she changed her slides. That's about it.
I felt like the Grinch who had just been tricked out of seeing a gaggle of pissed-off Whos from Whoville.
"Seriously?" I asked. "This is IT?"
"Well," she said, "Sometimes it bothers some people more than others." And off she went to take the next slide.
As I got dressed, dragged TinyTuna to the car -- BattleShips bombing all the while -- and drove into work, I started compiling a little list to bring some sort of perspective to my morning.
The Top Several Things I Can Think Of
That are WORSE Than A Mammogram:
- Sixth Grade Math Books with No Examples
- Rain, Sleet, Hail, No School AND A Mammogram on the same day
- That American Idol Guy That Sang "Copacabana"
- M.C. Hammer's New Blog
- Barfing Up A Pile
- The Disney Channel
- The Bush Administration (BIG Boobs
caliber .244version 2.0)
- Stupid Students
- UoM Winning Anything
- Driving the DC Beltway at Rush Hour (5:30am - 11:30pm)
- Simultaneous Broadcast of Good TV Shows > Number of VCRs
- A newly cleaned litter pan + one poop filled cat
- ONE TENNIS SHOE
- Having to stop making lists in order to do actual work
- Mince Pie