Alternatives

If a $600 upside down tree is just too rich for your holiday blood, may I suggest a more fiscally responsible purchase? For the low, low price of $24.00, you can purchase your very own:


(Unassembled view)
...
...
...
...
...

Charlie Brown tree.

Thanks Urban Outfitters. Too bad you missed the whole point of the entire cartoon, which was to NOT spend a bunch of money on meaningless holiday decorations. My favorite part of the description:

The bendable branches allow you to make it look just how you want, super pathetic or just kind of pathetic.

What do you suppose it would mean if I made it super bendable, hung it upside down and then set it on fire? And, do you think this comes with instructions for assembly?

Link props to Boing Boing.

Alternatives

If a $600 upside down tree is just too rich for your holiday blood, may I suggest a more fiscally responsible purchase? For the low, low price of $24.00, you can purchase your very own:


(Unassembled view)
...
...
...
...
...

Charlie Brown tree.

Thanks Urban Outfitters. Too bad you missed the whole point of the entire cartoon, which was to NOT spend a bunch of money on meaningless holiday decorations. My favorite part of the description:

The bendable branches allow you to make it look just how you want, super pathetic or just kind of pathetic.

What do you suppose it would mean if I made it super bendable, hung it upside down and then set it on fire? And, do you think this comes with instructions for assembly?

Link props to Boing Boing.

Silent Night, Holy Wuh?

Would someone like to explain this to me, please?



It's an upside-down Christmas Tree.

Now excuse me for being contrary, but unless I'm celebrating Christmas on the USS Poseidon or I've overdone the adult egg nog, how is this a good idea? It looks like a cheap umbrella that lost a fight with 50 mph winds. Of course, Mr. Manufacturer has lots and lots of reasons why this should be your first holiday purchase. Which -- as a public service to each and every one of you that is itching to heat up your credit card right this very second -- I'm going to debunk here and now.

CLAIM: It's HISTORICAL! Yes, the description sadly attempts to justify its ridiculousness by making solemn references to 12th Century European Christmas practices.
REALITY: It's NONSENSE! Let us not forget that in the old Norse tradition, evergreen trees were burned to encourage the return of the sun. Although I hate to disagree with an Old Norse, I simply do not see the wisdom in laying out all that money and then putting a match to it. On second thought, were it not for the toxic fumes it would produce, it might not be a bad idea.

C LAIM: It's RELIGIOUSRIFFIC! Upside down trees remind the faithful of The Holy Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Ghost).
REALITY: WHAT??? Never ever ever in all my church-going years, did I ever look at a cross and think, "Wow, this looks exactly like an upside down Christmas tree." Conversely, never ever ever in all my Christmas tree filled years did I ever look at a tree and think, "If I only turned this sucker upside down I'd have myself a living relic."

CLAIM: It's ERGONOMIC! "...the unusual tapering shape allows the tree to stand in places that do not accommodate a traditional holiday tree, such as between two armchairs or in a corner."
REALITY: HAHAHAHAHA! Let's think about this. Do you think when computer monitors needed a smaller footprint they said, "Let's turn it upside down and balance it on its head. Problem solved. More egg nog!"

CLAIM: It's SAFE! "...the tree'’s weighted base provides extra stability to prevent tipping and leaning..."
REALITY: MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!

It just doesn't make sense.

Honestly, I think these kind of things (did you notice the $600 price tag?) are for people who feel the need to own and display the latest, biggest, most obnoxious non-necessary Christmas decoration available.

And they probably brought it home the one thing that most normal people would be too embarassed to buy, much less be seen riding on in public: A $4500 Segway.


"Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much,
just drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself free."

Silent Night, Holy Wuh?

Would someone like to explain this to me, please?



It's an upside-down Christmas Tree.

Now excuse me for being contrary, but unless I'm celebrating Christmas on the USS Poseidon or I've overdone the adult egg nog, how is this a good idea? It looks like a cheap umbrella that lost a fight with 50 mph winds. Of course, Mr. Manufacturer has lots and lots of reasons why this should be your first holiday purchase. Which -- as a public service to each and every one of you that is itching to heat up your credit card right this very second -- I'm going to debunk here and now.

CLAIM: It's HISTORICAL! Yes, the description sadly attempts to justify its ridiculousness by making solemn references to 12th Century European Christmas practices.
REALITY: It's NONSENSE! Let us not forget that in the old Norse tradition, evergreen trees were burned to encourage the return of the sun. Although I hate to disagree with an Old Norse, I simply do not see the wisdom in laying out all that money and then putting a match to it. On second thought, were it not for the toxic fumes it would produce, it might not be a bad idea.

C LAIM: It's RELIGIOUSRIFFIC! Upside down trees remind the faithful of The Holy Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Ghost).
REALITY: WHAT??? Never ever ever in all my church-going years, did I ever look at a cross and think, "Wow, this looks exactly like an upside down Christmas tree." Conversely, never ever ever in all my Christmas tree filled years did I ever look at a tree and think, "If I only turned this sucker upside down I'd have myself a living relic."

CLAIM: It's ERGONOMIC! "...the unusual tapering shape allows the tree to stand in places that do not accommodate a traditional holiday tree, such as between two armchairs or in a corner."
REALITY: HAHAHAHAHA! Let's think about this. Do you think when computer monitors needed a smaller footprint they said, "Let's turn it upside down and balance it on its head. Problem solved. More egg nog!"

CLAIM: It's SAFE! "...the tree'’s weighted base provides extra stability to prevent tipping and leaning..."
REALITY: MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!

It just doesn't make sense.

Honestly, I think these kind of things (did you notice the $600 price tag?) are for people who feel the need to own and display the latest, biggest, most obnoxious non-necessary Christmas decoration available.

And they probably brought it home the one thing that most normal people would be too embarassed to buy, much less be seen riding on in public: A $4500 Segway.


"Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much,
just drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself free."

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... And You Think:

1. Deeper and Deeper :: Into debt

2. Can't Help :: Lovin' that man of mine

3. Devil's Advocate :: Really, really creepy movie

4. Superpower :: Not US

5. Threatening :: Bully

6. Played :: Fiddle

7. War :: Conflict

8. Violate :: Destroy

9. Invest :: Set Money Aside For

10. Choke :: Fail

Disparate items? I think not. This meme prompted me to do two things: First I had to go to IMDB and make sure I was thinking of the right movie for Devil's Advocate. I was. Oh, that was a really creepy movie. I don't really care for Keanu Reeves, but yowza, Al Pacino was amazing. The second thing I did was visit my boyfriend's picture album and look for a historical graphic to accompany number 6. I typed 'Nero Fiddle' in the search box. The overwhelming result for my search was this:



Oh Internets, how I love you. Have a pretzel.
Mutter along HERE.

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... And You Think:

1. Deeper and Deeper :: Into debt

2. Can't Help :: Lovin' that man of mine

3. Devil's Advocate :: Really, really creepy movie

4. Superpower :: Not US

5. Threatening :: Bully

6. Played :: Fiddle

7. War :: Conflict

8. Violate :: Destroy

9. Invest :: Set Money Aside For

10. Choke :: Fail

Disparate items? I think not. This meme prompted me to do two things: First I had to go to IMDB and make sure I was thinking of the right movie for Devil's Advocate. I was. Oh, that was a really creepy movie. I don't really care for Keanu Reeves, but yowza, Al Pacino was amazing. The second thing I did was visit my boyfriend's picture album and look for a historical graphic to accompany number 6. I typed 'Nero Fiddle' in the search box. The overwhelming result for my search was this:



Oh Internets, how I love you. Have a pretzel.
Mutter along HERE.

CLEEEEEK!

I got a new toy.

I must say, I was pleased to see that this is a serious digital camera, because I hate those ones that keep cracking jokes. So now that I have the POWER, I can really torture all y'all. Today's Installment:

THE AXIS OF EVIL

MILA the Meatloaf


GABBY the Gabbalicious


FABIO the Fluffy

Fabio nearly had a coronary after I took his picture. He started racing back and forth and began to kick and stomp his back feet to show he was a really scary not-to-be-messed with bunny. With long pointy teeth. Uh huh....... So I stuck my head in his cage and said, "Where are my kisses?" And he promptly forgot he was mad and licked my forehead. Silly Rabbit.

So far, I have very little understanding of what I'm doing, other than turn it on, point, click, and download it to the computer. There are so many eensy weensy icons all over this thing, It's going to take me awhile to learn what they all mean. Lesson number one was learning to get rid of red eye, because before I did that, Fabio looked downright demonic.

I'm most likely going to have to go to the bookstore (yippee!) and get a Digital Cameras for Dummies book, because lets face it, I don't know my ISO from a hole in the ground. And then I'll have to find that one single place in my house that doesn't look like a disaster, and have everybody pose there from now on.

Edited to add: As I read TinyTuna this entry and got to the last sentence ("And then I'll have to find that one single place in my house that doesn't look like a disaster, and have everybody pose there from now on") she looked at me and said, "Where's that??"

Oh. The truth, she hurts.

CLEEEEEK!

I got a new toy.

I must say, I was pleased to see that this is a serious digital camera, because I hate those ones that keep cracking jokes. So now that I have the POWER, I can really torture all y'all. Today's Installment:

THE AXIS OF EVIL

MILA the Meatloaf


GABBY the Gabbalicious


FABIO the Fluffy

Fabio nearly had a coronary after I took his picture. He started racing back and forth and began to kick and stomp his back feet to show he was a really scary not-to-be-messed with bunny. With long pointy teeth. Uh huh....... So I stuck my head in his cage and said, "Where are my kisses?" And he promptly forgot he was mad and licked my forehead. Silly Rabbit.

So far, I have very little understanding of what I'm doing, other than turn it on, point, click, and download it to the computer. There are so many eensy weensy icons all over this thing, It's going to take me awhile to learn what they all mean. Lesson number one was learning to get rid of red eye, because before I did that, Fabio looked downright demonic.

I'm most likely going to have to go to the bookstore (yippee!) and get a Digital Cameras for Dummies book, because lets face it, I don't know my ISO from a hole in the ground. And then I'll have to find that one single place in my house that doesn't look like a disaster, and have everybody pose there from now on.

Edited to add: As I read TinyTuna this entry and got to the last sentence ("And then I'll have to find that one single place in my house that doesn't look like a disaster, and have everybody pose there from now on") she looked at me and said, "Where's that??"

Oh. The truth, she hurts.

Friday's Feast

Well, it's been awhile since we've sat down to feast. What's on the menu today?

Appetizer: What was the last game you purchased?
Finally, a question I can answer! Without making something up! Without having to pick favorites! The last game I purchased was the logic puzzle Sudoku. I started playing Sudoku this past Spring (curse you, GramTuna!), and quickly became hooked. It's fun. It's addictive. It's brain exercise. It's something to do when the Friday New York Times crossword puzzle is just too damn hard. Try it now, thank me (or kill me) later.

Soup: Name something in which you DON'T believe
I don't believe that Pilgrims ate Mince Pie. How could they? They didn't have those nasty cans of mince goo, they didn't have can openers, and honestly...they were suffering enough as it was.

Salad: If you could choose a television personality to be your boss, who would you pick?
Uhhhhhh. What kind of question is that? Do I have to pick a television personality that was a boss on TV? Can I pick a television personality who is dead so I really wouldn't have any boss at all?

I pick:

Chef

Not only does he have great words of wisdom ("There's a time and place for everything, Children, and that's called college!), he sings and cooks too!

Main Course: What was a lesson you had to learn the hard way?
That life isn't fair, that I DO NOT understand geometry, that cheap wine after champagne is a very, very, very bad idea, and that sometimes, no matter how much I wish to the contrary, I cannot make everything better for other people.

Dessert: Describe your idea of the perfect relaxation room.

Any room in here

That allows me to be here

Friday's Feast

Well, it's been awhile since we've sat down to feast. What's on the menu today?

Appetizer: What was the last game you purchased?
Finally, a question I can answer! Without making something up! Without having to pick favorites! The last game I purchased was the logic puzzle Sudoku. I started playing Sudoku this past Spring (curse you, GramTuna!), and quickly became hooked. It's fun. It's addictive. It's brain exercise. It's something to do when the Friday New York Times crossword puzzle is just too damn hard. Try it now, thank me (or kill me) later.

Soup: Name something in which you DON'T believe
I don't believe that Pilgrims ate Mince Pie. How could they? They didn't have those nasty cans of mince goo, they didn't have can openers, and honestly...they were suffering enough as it was.

Salad: If you could choose a television personality to be your boss, who would you pick?
Uhhhhhh. What kind of question is that? Do I have to pick a television personality that was a boss on TV? Can I pick a television personality who is dead so I really wouldn't have any boss at all?

I pick:

Chef

Not only does he have great words of wisdom ("There's a time and place for everything, Children, and that's called college!), he sings and cooks too!

Main Course: What was a lesson you had to learn the hard way?
That life isn't fair, that I DO NOT understand geometry, that cheap wine after champagne is a very, very, very bad idea, and that sometimes, no matter how much I wish to the contrary, I cannot make everything better for other people.

Dessert: Describe your idea of the perfect relaxation room.

Any room in here

That allows me to be here

Filed Under "Just Say No"

I just got back from my five minute run through the parking lot, across the train tracks and across the street to 7-11 for a Lordy, I'm Tired flavored Super Big Gulp. While I was waiting to pay, I noticed a bin of Kit Kats. Glorious, yummy, chocolately yet crispity crunchity cookie goodness Kit Kats. But then...

(Insert Large MINCE PIE FACE here)

I noticed they were "Oranges and Cream" flavor.

I mean.....EWWWWWWWWWW.

Filed Under "Just Say No"

I just got back from my five minute run through the parking lot, across the train tracks and across the street to 7-11 for a Lordy, I'm Tired flavored Super Big Gulp. While I was waiting to pay, I noticed a bin of Kit Kats. Glorious, yummy, chocolately yet crispity crunchity cookie goodness Kit Kats. But then...

(Insert Large MINCE PIE FACE here)

I noticed they were "Oranges and Cream" flavor.

I mean.....EWWWWWWWWWW.

Cows and Llamas

Remember this one?

In the game of Chutes and Ladders you move around on a board in the hopes of being the first to get to number 100 and be the winner.



Along the way if you land on a spot where you've done a good deed you can climb a ladder and skip a bunch of spaces. For example, according to the picture on space number 4, you have taken food without permission, used electric mixers and stoves without parental supervision, handled raw and/or undercooked dairy products, measured out chemical agents then greased AND floured a pan. What is the result? Why, you've made yourself a yummy, yummy cake that you share with NOBODY. Hooray! Climb up that ladder and skip from 4 to 14. Karma rewards your deeds with a veritable Stairway to Heaven.



Likewise, if you land on 16, then shame on you, for you are reading a comic book. It makes no difference that 1) you are actually reading, 2) knew where to locate an object known as a "book" in which to hide your comics, or 3) chose this activity over television, video games, and burning down the house while impersonating Julia Child. No! It's the Chute for you, sinner. Down, down, down you go to number 6, where you have to sit on a stool and wear the Tin Man's hat.

I've come to realize life isn't that much different from a never-ending Groundhog's Day version of Chutes and Ladders. Day in and day out I am constantly competing against life (or Karma, or fate, or just plain old dumb luck) in the hopes that I will win the game.

Managed to leave the house on time? Ladder, baby!
Forgot my lunch? Awww, Chute!

On and on and on it goes, from the trivial to the less-than-sublime. Traffic lights, lunch lines, parking, 6th grade homework, 6th grade behavior, bills, toddlers, laundry, dishes... It never stops. If I'm lucky it's two steps forward, one step backward. If I'm unlucky, it's one step forward, two steps backward. Mostly, I just fear those days when I have no feet at all.

My morning commute to TunaU provides me with one of my best Chutes and Ladders barometers of the day. Each morning I drive past several of the livestock research pastures, and how far traffic is backed up tells me how my day is going to be. It's a odd sort of livestock Magic 8-Ball. Will GreenTuna have a good day? Bossy says outlook not so good. If I'm stopped at the cows (and cowpies), it's chute city. Making it as far as the sheep isn't baaaaad, but when I make it to Llarry the Llama, happy days are here again and it's ladder time.

Unfortunately, making it past Old McTuna's farm is merely the first of many chutes and ladders. True Karma doesn't take the form of hamburger, wooly idols or Peruvian blankets. The ultimate test of the morning is getting past the three (count them, THREE) sets of train tracks. Cows might be bad, but being a train sandwich is much, much worse.

Of course, it is possible to work the system by changing the rules, calling in sick and go home.

Game over. VOLCANO!

Until tomorrow, when it's back to square one.

Chute.

Cows and Llamas

Remember this one?

In the game of Chutes and Ladders you move around on a board in the hopes of being the first to get to number 100 and be the winner.



Along the way if you land on a spot where you've done a good deed you can climb a ladder and skip a bunch of spaces. For example, according to the picture on space number 4, you have taken food without permission, used electric mixers and stoves without parental supervision, handled raw and/or undercooked dairy products, measured out chemical agents then greased AND floured a pan. What is the result? Why, you've made yourself a yummy, yummy cake that you share with NOBODY. Hooray! Climb up that ladder and skip from 4 to 14. Karma rewards your deeds with a veritable Stairway to Heaven.



Likewise, if you land on 16, then shame on you, for you are reading a comic book. It makes no difference that 1) you are actually reading, 2) knew where to locate an object known as a "book" in which to hide your comics, or 3) chose this activity over television, video games, and burning down the house while impersonating Julia Child. No! It's the Chute for you, sinner. Down, down, down you go to number 6, where you have to sit on a stool and wear the Tin Man's hat.

I've come to realize life isn't that much different from a never-ending Groundhog's Day version of Chutes and Ladders. Day in and day out I am constantly competing against life (or Karma, or fate, or just plain old dumb luck) in the hopes that I will win the game.

Managed to leave the house on time? Ladder, baby!
Forgot my lunch? Awww, Chute!

On and on and on it goes, from the trivial to the less-than-sublime. Traffic lights, lunch lines, parking, 6th grade homework, 6th grade behavior, bills, toddlers, laundry, dishes... It never stops. If I'm lucky it's two steps forward, one step backward. If I'm unlucky, it's one step forward, two steps backward. Mostly, I just fear those days when I have no feet at all.

My morning commute to TunaU provides me with one of my best Chutes and Ladders barometers of the day. Each morning I drive past several of the livestock research pastures, and how far traffic is backed up tells me how my day is going to be. It's a odd sort of livestock Magic 8-Ball. Will GreenTuna have a good day? Bossy says outlook not so good. If I'm stopped at the cows (and cowpies), it's chute city. Making it as far as the sheep isn't baaaaad, but when I make it to Llarry the Llama, happy days are here again and it's ladder time.

Unfortunately, making it past Old McTuna's farm is merely the first of many chutes and ladders. True Karma doesn't take the form of hamburger, wooly idols or Peruvian blankets. The ultimate test of the morning is getting past the three (count them, THREE) sets of train tracks. Cows might be bad, but being a train sandwich is much, much worse.

Of course, it is possible to work the system by changing the rules, calling in sick and go home.

Game over. VOLCANO!

Until tomorrow, when it's back to square one.

Chute.

NaNoWriMo Sha Na Na

Today marks the first day of NaNoWriMo.

That again was NaNoWriMo.

For those who worry that I've either lapsed into baby talk (which will NEVER happen), or I'm drunk (which, for better or worse at 9:20am is not the case), NaNoWriMo stands for

National Novel Writing Month.

Considering the abysmal job I've done over the past several months of managing to hit the "post" button with little more than a non-thinking meme, writing a novel is the last thing on my agenda. However, I'm going to use NaNoWriMo to get my fingers back in gear and get things back on track. It's not like I don't have a wealth of trivialities to share...I am a Tuna, afterall, and between TinyTuna, The TunaClan, TunaU, The Scottish Singing Tunas, a huge personal distraction called a summertime basement flood, the summertime tales of Beeeeeeaver Iiiiiiiiislaaaaaand, Fabio (both flat and fluffy), The Toddlers (Get Down, and Stop It Now!) a host of friends and acquaintances, and a Presidential Administration that must be on the payroll Comedy Central, I've got plenty of material.

Now if I would just have a sick student. See the time stamp? That's what time I started this entry. And now? It's 5:34 pm.

I've even missed time for Wapner. It must be time to go home.

NaNoWriMo Sha Na Na

Today marks the first day of NaNoWriMo.

That again was NaNoWriMo.

For those who worry that I've either lapsed into baby talk (which will NEVER happen), or I'm drunk (which, for better or worse at 9:20am is not the case), NaNoWriMo stands for

National Novel Writing Month.

Considering the abysmal job I've done over the past several months of managing to hit the "post" button with little more than a non-thinking meme, writing a novel is the last thing on my agenda. However, I'm going to use NaNoWriMo to get my fingers back in gear and get things back on track. It's not like I don't have a wealth of trivialities to share...I am a Tuna, afterall, and between TinyTuna, The TunaClan, TunaU, The Scottish Singing Tunas, a huge personal distraction called a summertime basement flood, the summertime tales of Beeeeeeaver Iiiiiiiiislaaaaaand, Fabio (both flat and fluffy), The Toddlers (Get Down, and Stop It Now!) a host of friends and acquaintances, and a Presidential Administration that must be on the payroll Comedy Central, I've got plenty of material.

Now if I would just have a sick student. See the time stamp? That's what time I started this entry. And now? It's 5:34 pm.

I've even missed time for Wapner. It must be time to go home.

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... And You Think

1. Unbreakable :: Bond

2. Have Mercy :: Pity

3. Do It Better :: Improve

4. Settle Scores :: Revenge

5. Comments :: Thoughts

6. Craziest Thing :: The Ringer

7. Apple :: PIE!

8. Halloween :: Candy

9. Maneagable :: Easy

10. Trick :: Or Treat

And now for the saga of the Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwich, also known as The Ringer:

One year on our way home from Hatteras, North Carolina, we stopped at my Grandparents in Washington DC for a one-hour pit stop, which included lunch, bathroom, and taking a deep breath before we piled back in the car again for another 10 or so hours. My Grandfather, an imposing, crusty, retired Naval Captain handed us a bag right before we left. "This is for your trip home," he said, with a mischievously sinister tone of voice. "Don't look at it until you've left."

YoungerBrother Tuna and I could hardly stand it. "What's in it? What's in it?"

"Some sandwiches," he said. "And....The Ringer."

"What's the ringer?"

"I can't tell you," he said. "You'll figure it out."

Imaging chocolate, money or other unknown prizes (what were we thinking, anyway? This was The Captain, afterall), we gleefully took the bag and climbed back into the car. Finally it was time to dig into the sandwiches. They all seemed normal until YBTuna found The Ringer:

Peanut Butter and Pickles.
Have Mercy.

Happy Halloween.

Mutter along HERE.

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... And You Think

1. Unbreakable :: Bond

2. Have Mercy :: Pity

3. Do It Better :: Improve

4. Settle Scores :: Revenge

5. Comments :: Thoughts

6. Craziest Thing :: The Ringer

7. Apple :: PIE!

8. Halloween :: Candy

9. Maneagable :: Easy

10. Trick :: Or Treat

And now for the saga of the Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwich, also known as The Ringer:

One year on our way home from Hatteras, North Carolina, we stopped at my Grandparents in Washington DC for a one-hour pit stop, which included lunch, bathroom, and taking a deep breath before we piled back in the car again for another 10 or so hours. My Grandfather, an imposing, crusty, retired Naval Captain handed us a bag right before we left. "This is for your trip home," he said, with a mischievously sinister tone of voice. "Don't look at it until you've left."

YoungerBrother Tuna and I could hardly stand it. "What's in it? What's in it?"

"Some sandwiches," he said. "And....The Ringer."

"What's the ringer?"

"I can't tell you," he said. "You'll figure it out."

Imaging chocolate, money or other unknown prizes (what were we thinking, anyway? This was The Captain, afterall), we gleefully took the bag and climbed back into the car. Finally it was time to dig into the sandwiches. They all seemed normal until YBTuna found The Ringer:

Peanut Butter and Pickles.
Have Mercy.

Happy Halloween.

Mutter along HERE.

This is Halloween

My child is trying to kill me.

I nearly had a stroke when TinyTuna announced this weekend that she was too old for the pumpkin patch. "We can just go and get one at the store." she said.

I peeled out of the parking lot and drove to the store as fast as possible before she changed her mind ... or aliens let her re-enter her body .. or sucked me out of this hella pleasant alternate universe.

We made it to the store in record time, and found the large cardboard box of pumpkins that were all of $2.88 apiece. It was cheap. It was beautiful. It was painless. It was dirt-free, hay-free, patch-free, rotten pumpkin all over your shoes-free. As I stood in the 12 item or less U-Scan line, I was certain that this, THIS was what heaven would be like.

And then today....

As we came home tonight and walked through the drizzle toward the house, she asked me if we would still go trick or treating if it is raining outside. But she's not asking in that passionately defiant "neither rain nor snow" kind of voice. No. I hear the unmistakable trace of "...because I'm starting to think that trick or treating in the cold, nasty rain is a pain in the pink princess pumpkin pail..."

I looked at her and said, "Listen. If you want, I would be more than happy to go to the grocery store, buy you a bag of whatever you want, and then on Halloween night we can go to the movies."

"REALLY?" She asked.

"Oh yeah. You say the word. I'll go right now."

"Well...." The nanoseconds seemed like nanohours as she pondered this suddenly appealing option. My heart began to race. I clutched my cars keys. COULD I BE THIS LUCKY?????

"Next year. When I'm 12."

She had better not be toying with me.

This is Halloween

My child is trying to kill me.

I nearly had a stroke when TinyTuna announced this weekend that she was too old for the pumpkin patch. "We can just go and get one at the store." she said.

I peeled out of the parking lot and drove to the store as fast as possible before she changed her mind ... or aliens let her re-enter her body .. or sucked me out of this hella pleasant alternate universe.

We made it to the store in record time, and found the large cardboard box of pumpkins that were all of $2.88 apiece. It was cheap. It was beautiful. It was painless. It was dirt-free, hay-free, patch-free, rotten pumpkin all over your shoes-free. As I stood in the 12 item or less U-Scan line, I was certain that this, THIS was what heaven would be like.

And then today....

As we came home tonight and walked through the drizzle toward the house, she asked me if we would still go trick or treating if it is raining outside. But she's not asking in that passionately defiant "neither rain nor snow" kind of voice. No. I hear the unmistakable trace of "...because I'm starting to think that trick or treating in the cold, nasty rain is a pain in the pink princess pumpkin pail..."

I looked at her and said, "Listen. If you want, I would be more than happy to go to the grocery store, buy you a bag of whatever you want, and then on Halloween night we can go to the movies."

"REALLY?" She asked.

"Oh yeah. You say the word. I'll go right now."

"Well...." The nanoseconds seemed like nanohours as she pondered this suddenly appealing option. My heart began to race. I clutched my cars keys. COULD I BE THIS LUCKY?????

"Next year. When I'm 12."

She had better not be toying with me.