Grab your riot gear and crack open a cold one: 45,000 students have moved back to TunaU. The U-Haul people are mingling with the area rug people, and there are confused parents everywhere. If you live near Tuna Central, tonight would not be a good night to visit the local QD (party store) for a Slim Jim and a Diet Coke.
It's hard to get excited when the students come back, but at the same time, students are why many of us have jobs here at the great TunaU. A college town does have its share of excitement and vibrancy, but that is always tempered with noise, traffic and idiot behavior.
So, to the incoming school of new Tunas, I say welcome. I'm glad you're here, and I think you'll like this little green patch of mitten. I know you must have some sort of smarts, because you're here and not at Beelzebub's Bed and Breakfast down the road. Kat knows of what I speak.
But, before you drag that sofa onto your front lawn and crack open that case of Bud Light, I'd just like to remind you that although you may be on your own for the first time ever, you don't live in a bubble. You are now part of a neighborhood -- a community -- a city. And we are prepared.
I understand that you, as students, feel it is your right to have a good time at any time of the day or night and at any decibel level. Please understand that I own a power mower, and Jesus thinks a Sunday morning trim at 6 a.m. is Just and Holy.
I understand that you, as students, feel that your outside voice vocabulary need only to consist of dude, man, beer, bang, chick and stud -- all sprinkled liberally with expletives. Please understand that the power of purple is on my side and I have several extended-play Barney videos at my disposal. You'll be weeping before the ants go marching two-by-two. Hurrah! Hurrah!
I understand that you, as students, feel that bar night starts on Thursday afternoon and ends sometime Sunday evening. That one I'll concede. I'm not going anywhere near the kingdom on a Saturday night. I'll leave retribution to the Tunapolice.
Finally, I understand that you, as students, feel that you don't need to start your research papers until the day before they are due, and then expect me to find your materials, tell you how to write your bibliography, and then provide free paper, staples and white-out. Please understand that you are entirely at my mercy. I can lead you to the corner of the fourth floor stacks and rip up the colored tape leading to the elevators. They might find you next June.
As long as we are clear on the rules and regs, we'll get along just fine. There's nothing better than being a SparTuna. Now, move your U-Haul.