Thursday, August 05, 2004

Wave a Banner

Oh, those crazy banner ads. I thought Betty's Baton Bonanza (on eBay) was pretty good, but this new one is even better! It's for All Star U.S. Pageants, and the tag says Physical and Mail-In pageants open to females age 2 and older.

So, you know I HAVE to click-through, right? Because what on earth is a MAIL-IN pageant? I have to know! I mean, it's not like this is an absentee ballot. Just like with the lotto motto "You have to play to win" don't you have to "Don the Gay Apparel" to win the swimsuit competition? Wouldn't you have to, you know....actually be there... to win?

I must investigate. Clicking through. Unbelievable as it sounds, I find that indeed, you can enter the mail-in portion of the state level pageant. (Offer void in California, Nevada, Arizona, Oklahoma or Florida -- bummer, I know). And hey, Division Queens win a crown and a banner.

Do you realize what this means? I can be Queen GreenTuna of Mittenland while I sit at home with a Mike's Hard Lemonade in one hand and a can of Pringles in the other. Lucky for me, they have promised on their pageant website FAQ that I can win even if I don't have "poofy hair and an expensive dress", because this is NOT a "beauty pageant". Thank Goodness. I hate getting Pringle crumbs all over my ballgown.

Lastly, but not leastly, the question you're all dying to ask. But there TALENT? I'm here to tell you, there's not just talent There's optional talent. OPTIONAL TALENT!!

Those are two words you simply never see together. It's like optional multiplication facts, which TinyTuna employs on a daily basis. It acknowledges right off the bat that well, your talent may be less than...talented. But that's ok, because here it's optional talent which covers all your talentless bases.

I'm going to have to think long and hard about this. I wonder if I can come up with an optional talent involving Pringles.


TVJ said...

I have optional talent! (I don't know what it is) But it's "optional". I swear. *looks around suspiciously*


I do!

Mensch71 said...

Isn't Miss Teen USA on this weekend? Send over the spreadsheet for scoring!

Anonymous said...

I think you should sing some opera while wearing a Pringle duck bill!