From the GreenTuna Files of "Things I Don't Understand"
1. New Movie: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)
I must admit that I don't understand this on a number of levels. Evidently The Powers That Be consider this film to be a sequel to that 1997 stinkeroo, Anaconda that flopped as badly as a snake could possibly flop. The acting was off the charts, Velveeta-ly speaking, the goofs (waterfalls flowing UP?) were legendary, and the writing found in the reviews ('Anaconda' is as stupid as movies nowadays come...it is hard to respect a movie, when, in the end, after all the chaos and destruction it has caused, I felt sorry for the snake's suffering) slithered laps around the actual script.
So, why is Sony making another go of killer snake cinema? Do they feel the first attempt didn't completely tell the story? Do they think they can improve on the artistic powers that were Jon Voigt, Ice Cube and J-Lo? Are they ready to right all the cinematic wrongs from seven years ago? Well, considering Blood Orchid takes place in Indonesia, and all the flora and fauna shown in the trailer are native to South America, I'm thinking it's not going to happen. In addition, the 2004 Anaconda is a new and improved model, able to travel 150 feet per second. Unless it is equipped with warp drive, or shot out of a cannon, I may not be able to overcome the suspension of belief. Even Disney had enough sense to know that if an elephant was going to fly, it had better be animated and come with a magic feather.
2. Jane Pauley and Tony Danza
New for Fall 2004. Jane Pauley and Tony Danza are each getting their own talk show. Why, God, Why?? Have you not made my people suffer enough? We have endured the plagues of Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones, of Maury Povich and Rikki Lake, of Sharon Osborne and Rosie and Ellen and Oprah and Dr. Phil. Lord, our legislature appears to be powerless to control this beast. Please, give the universe a break, Mmmkay?
3. Public Phone Calls for Private Business
I work in a library. Although it is a University Library, we are a land-grant institution, which means we love all members of our community, big and small, sane and insane, bathed and...well, you get the idea. Up here on the fourth floor of heaven, there is a public telephone by the book stacks. The book stacks with SHIFTING IN PROGRESS, PEOPLE. Yesterday when I was out in the stacks, sweating, shifting, shlumpfing and slamming books onto the empty shelves, I could clearly hear someone talking on the pay phone, right around the corner.
"But why? WHY? .... Yeah, but WHY? Just tell me WHY! ... Why? ... ... WHY?
So I'm shifting and trying not to listen to whatever is going on, but I don't have any options. It's just me, the books and Miss "WHY" on the phone. I can't go anywhere else, because my work is there. There's no mistaking that this woman is not alone on the floor alone as I'm not being particularly quiet.
"But why? Just tell me why! If you don't love me tell me why!!"
Oh. My. Goodness. It's a breakup call. On the phone. In a library lobby. Where everybody can hear. Now all I can think of is, WHY? Why would anyone execute a breakup call on a public pay phone, without benefit of slidy glass privacy doors and a pre-formed plastic triangle bench designed for your comfort? Even worse, why would anyone make this call in public knowing you are the breakup-ee, not the breakup-er? WHY?
This phone call went on for a good half-hour and never varied from the text above. I was ready to come out from the shelving, grab the phone, hang it up, and then give this woman some money to buy some self-respect. I mean really -- if you're going to grovel, do it in private.
And then, go see a movie.