Friday, January 06, 2006

Piph, Piph, Hooray!

Today is Epiphany. It's the celebration of three guys who managed to get themselves dressed and organized, got their camels pointed in the right direction, ambled hither and yon, sang a stanza or two of Do You Know the Way to San Jose? followed by a billion choruses of We Three Kings of Orient Are, and finally made it to the birthday party, long after the shepherds had eaten the cake and the sheep had left for greener pastures. Then, just like in Soap Operas, Baby Jesus was suddenly adolescent Jesus and had a pool party...

The above blasphemy is precisely why I don't teach Sunday school.

During this season it is appropriate to have epiphanies -- soul shaking realizations that we never quite realized in our shaking souls before. I've been a little busy to have any Epiphanies today, but in the spirit of the season, I'm going to come up with some now. Right now. Spur of the moment. Just for you.

Epiphany Number 1
Best intentions aside, the odds that any dishes will get washed after 10:30 pm are very small. Laying down on the couch while the dishes soak in a sink of hot soapy water will most likely result in a sink full dirty dishes soaking in cold slimy water come dawn.

Epiphany Number 2
Having computer tools like Bloglines that help you save time by organizing and watching your sites of interest for updates is neither a time saver nor an organizer. It is an enabler for the weak and terminally curious. Before you can say SuperRSSize Me, you are faced with the task of organizing 150 different websites into folders by subject matter so your scroll beam will be a little bigger and you won't feel quite so guilty. Deleting websites is not an option because then you might miss something.

Epiphany Number 3
After strictly lecturing your child about appropriate email usage at school, your day will drag with such dragitude that you curse your strict and cruel ways, praying she disobeys one more time and sends you something funny that doesn't include the words barf or detention.

Epiphany Number 4
The sad fact is somebody else will always be richer, skinnier and prettier than you. The cruel fact is sometimes it's all three at once AND they do it IN PRINT.

Humility may be a virtue, but revenge is far more satisfying. There is nothing better than living for the day when Karma steps in and evens the score. This is known as constructive wishful thinking.

Epiphany Number 5
When you have nothing to write about, there is always a meme out there somewhere to keep you warm.

Epiphany Number 6
Nobody knows the words to the 12 days of Christmas after day 8. Once you get to ladies, drummers and pipers, nobody gives a flying Lord a Leaping.

Epiphany Number 7
The day you decide to eat healthy is the same week potato chips are buy one, get one free.

Epiphany Number 8
The same goes for ice cream.

Epiphany Number 9
You cannot reverse the flow of time, the crush of students, the hassles of academia or the likelihood of getting caught in a train sandwich at 7:59am. You can, however erase in Sudoku, meaning you have all the power in the world.

Epiphany Number 10
Life is not all beer and skittles, but if you could split it up, TinyTuna and I would never have to trick-or-treat again.

Epiphany Number 11
Eleven epiphanies is a lot of epiphanies to piph on a Friday afternoon.

Epiphany Number 12 -- Lords a-Leaping Edition
Holidailies got me back into a writing routine which had pretty much fallen by the wayside since mid-summer. Making a commitment to write daily doesn't always mean that it will happen, but for me, the incentive was staying above the line. Thanks for letting us be squatters in your virtual verbal Woodstock.

Now what?

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