Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Agricultural Report

Both thanks and apologies for today's Agricultural Report must be given to Legal Eagle Tuna, AKA The Boy, who used to be a very important governmental muckity-muck (with a badge) for Mitten Agriculture, and has now changed jobs. His new job? It's kind of like a governmental version of the string that attaches to your mittens and keeps them safe from harm. He now keeps the entire Kingdom of Tuna in the Country of Mitten free from Evil Agriculture. Like Cows. Because if you tip them, the terrorists win.

Wow. That was a long intro. Anyway, the first item in today's Agricultural report was the publishing of this warning. The mitten, it seems, has been warned against the consumption of wild game, including Wild Turkey Meat, Wild Deer Livers and Wild Squirrels, not to mention the ongoing warning against eating the three-eyed fish that frolic in the rivers near the Dow Chemical plant.

Three-eyed fish and Wild Turkey aside (Hmmm, that sounds like a Redneck Thanksgiving Dinner), this report was a real eye-opener. Not about the mutant animals roaming my fair state. Oh no. At the apparant blandness of my diet. I have always considered myself to be a rather adventuresome eater. I mean, I eat hot dogs, and what's riskier than that? It's edible roulette in a bun (unless you're TinyTuna, in which case, hold the bun). And while wild deer livers are ewww enough, since when did Mitteganians start running around eating squirrels? People, this is Michigan, and you are neither Jed Clampett nor Pa Walton. If you really want to insult your taste buds (not to mention your digestive system), head on over to a McDonald's restaurant near you. However, if you're hell-bent on Squirrel Pie (pie!), then will you please come on over to TunaU? Not only are the squirrels around here mean, everybody knows that squirrels are scary.

Equally troubling is this comment from Anne Ainsworth, a spokeswoman for Dow who said the company agrees with the advice against eating deer liver or turkey skin. But "we still conclude that individuals who consume venison, squirrel or turkey with the skin off taken south of Midland would incur no greater exposure than by eating meat, fish or poultry from the national food supply."

What does this mean? Does this mean if I drink a Bud Lite, (survive), shoot lil' Bucky, throw him in my rucksack, hop into my truck, drive south of Midland and THEN skin the critter, I'm OK? And while it's comforting to know that southern squirrel is as safe as meat, fish or poultry from the national food supply, there isn't any real opportunity for comparison where furry long-tailed rodents are concerned. At least, not in my neighborhood.

Elsewhere, The Pickle Boycott Is Over! Well, gosh, I never knew there was a pickle boycott in the first place. And now, I have guilt because my family (mostly TinyTuna) eats pickles with a reckless abandon. I'm still trying to figure out how and why The Methodists are involved, but I fear that is greater research for another day. Maybe the answer is somewhere in Leviticus. I bet my good pal PhotoTuna would know.

Meanwhile, don't hide your pickles under a bushel

wait, that didn't sound quite right

Proclaim your pickle love today!

I'm not sure that one did, either

Pickles. They're Shocking.

Enough already

Avast Ye Bucko! I'm Pickle Pete.

The most feared pickle that ever

sailed the Briny Deep! Arrrrrrr!


Gary said...

Beware, lest ye invoke Foamy's squirrelly wrath!!

mensch71 said...

You really have to give me a warning when I'm going to laugh so hard I have to pee. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Pickles, pickles, pickles! Pirate Pickles! aaargh!
thanks for your comments.
by the way, I get to keep the badge with the new job. Actually would be more likely to use it.
I now have The Pager, keys to things you'd be surprised, along with access cards to other such places.
which means that if I was in a movie, I would either be the guy who gets killed so someone can assume my identity to do nefarious things, or that supporting character actor who helps the star save the world.

ps, I was the one who sent the other anonymous post about trademarks and being Blue and all.

Inspector 299.