PASS THE CLICKER
The Corporate Cable Conglomerate did it again . They messed with my cable channels. They didn't ask; they just did it. And they left me alone to pick up the shattered existence of my television viewing habits. Some channels? New. Some channels? Gone *poof*. Some channels? Playing hide and seek. I can't tell you how unnerving this has been.

For no good reason, I have a very specific pattern of channel surfing. It's my TV Shui. I begin my surf with Channel 3. Although we have a Channel 2, it has alternately been a TV guide type channel and a Home Shopping Channel. As I am not ever, ever interested in buying "dustibles" (collectibles that only collect dust), I always skip Channel 2. It does not exist in my world. So, phase one of surfing is Channels 3-20. These are the major TV networks with a few notables thrown in. I always stop at Channel 14. *Sigh* My black, sad, slanty Channel 14 which used to be my beloved HBO. Now it screams "you must buy digital" and so far -- I'm not biting. Oh how I miss HBO, but oh how I hate the Corporate Cable Conglomerate. I am strong. I am invincible. I have friends who have it!

The other crackpot channel in the first round is Channel 13. Appropriately numbered, I think, as it is the televised train wreck known as The Public Access Channel. Wayne's World aside, I'd like to know who thought this was a good idea? Among the crackpots on this channel is a guy I went to High School with, and yes, it's true....TV makes you 10 pounds weirder. Public access? 10 tons weirder. Moving on.

Channels 21-26 are automatic skips, unless I need to know if today's school lunch is Choice A (Pizza, Fries and a Roll), or Choice B (Chicken Nuggets, Fries and a Roll). The only other reason to check these channels is if you missed the 87 other viewings of The Middle School band concert, The Elementary School holiday recorder extravaganza, The Wee Tots String Program (Mis-sis-sip-pi Ri-ver!) or The High School Homecoming Football game from last year. Pass-a-rooni.

Channels 27-28 are stopping points for TinyTuna and GreenTuna. One has PBS kids shows (Arthur -- always hip. George Shrinks? Praying he becomes a Scooby Snack for Clifford the Big Red Dog), the other has Julia Child. She is in her 90s, and young chefs reverently work by her side. How cool is that?

Channel 30? Mystery channel. Skip.
Channel 31? Arts videos. Classical music, dance, etc. in MTV format. Great background channel.

Channels 32 on up were for cable shows. CSpan (one and two -- skip and skip), Animal Planet, TLC, HGTV etc. etc. You get the drill. I would generally surf from Animal Planet on up through Channel 60. After 60, you get bizarro TV, multi-language and what-have-you. Then it would jump from 65 to 99, where, inexplicably, you'd get Court TV. I don't know why Court TV is relegated to the last Channel in the non-digital universe. It always gets skipped because it seems to be quarantined from all the other channels.

It used to make so much sense before: Network Shows -- Local Shows You Never Watch -- Educational Shows -- Fluffy No Redeeming Quality Entertainment Shows. Logic. Order.

Now? Now it's a mess. Now, CSpan has infiltrated the primary tier and is making a huge nuisance of itself right in the middle of the Network Shows. ESPN is in the 30s on the TV Dial, which puts it right next to the Arts channel smack dab at the beginning of Educational Shows. I am not ready for sports yet when I hit Channel 31. It needs to come later -- like dessert. Furthermore, CSpan really should live down at the end dial by Court TV where it won't be in the way. You can still visit it (if you really want to), but it doesn't have to be every day. Put it in a home -- cable-istically speaking.

What we lost in the exchange was an awesome PBS station (bad choice there, people), PAX (never watched because how many times can you sit through The Hour of Power with bad reception?) and something else (which I obviously don't miss if I can't remember). What we gained was The Food Network, E! TV, and the History Channel. Poor History has been tossed unceremoniously in the projects of the upper Channel 60s, thus branding it as bizarro TV, which isn't really fair. What I still don't have is Bravo. The Corporate Cable Conglomerate? Obviously hates me. I'm going to propose a new show. Something like "TV Eye for the Cable Guy." Or maybe "What not to Show." Something, anything to get the TV Shui back in alignment.

Except, knowing my luck, it would only be shown on digital, meaning, I wouldn't get it.
Doh.
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