I still have a few minutes and must vent my spleen regarding what little bit of American Idol I happened to see last night. Sadly, I missed the women's portion the other night, so I'm only going to complain about some of the men. Also, I don't know (nearly) anybody's name yet, so you'll have to bear with me.
1. Copacabana Guy
This was wrong on so many counts it's hard to know where to start. Nobody should sing Barry Manilow on American Idol unless it's forced upon you. I'm not violently Anti-Manilow, but I just may be violently Ant-Copacabana. And Idol Wannabe? Your ability to boldly sing where no key has gone before is no any way to win friends. The comment was made last night that you reminded some of John Candy. I'm thinking more Jiminy Glick. And you'd better get your 15 minutes in now, because I see a big boot in your future.
2. Young Looking Guy Who Sang Like A Bad Elvis
Paula Abdul called you "Bobby Brady." I think you owe Bobby Brady an apology. And Elvis. And The Rat Pack. And the audience. Crazy Little Thing Called Love? You were singing something closer to Crazy Little Thing called so much tension that my entire head shakes at the end of every phrase and Lord knows, that is NOT a good sign.
3. Really Really Young Looking Guy With the Big Owl Glasses
I know. Last season they loved Anthony Federov ("A-Fed" to the hipsters. Trach boy to me). He was young and baby-faced and cute as a button. But really, really young guy with big owl glasses? You kind of creep me out. You looked so little and scared and alone up there. I can only imagine your home life is full of dominating adults screaming "Dance for Grandma" all day long. Your dark haired waif-like appearance first made me think that maybe you lived under the cupboard, but your scary expressions made me worry that you might wish me into the cornfield. You might last one more week, but EEEK!
4. Ace Singtura who sang George Michael
I'm going to forgive the fact that your name is "Ace." You not only sing well, but you are one handsomely tall drink of water. MMMmmmmmm.
5. Bald Rocker With the Soul Patch
I'm going to forgive the soul patch, which on general principles, I despise. You also sang really, really well, and started to erase the horrific nightmare that was that other rocker guy from last year who was not Bo. (See? I've already forgotten his name. This is a good thing)
6. Last Guy of the Night with Grey Hair
We are torn about you, oh last guy of the night. First of all, you look like you're 52. Yes, gray hair is distinguished looking, but this isn't Senior Citizen's Idol, so you might want to look into some Grecian formula for men. Your voice isn't all bad, but it isn't stellar either. However, you've got to do something about your delivery and stage presence. My thought last night was that you were an odd combination of Joe Cocker and Bob Dylan, meaning we didn't understand a single thing that came out of your mouth. And your moves (if I can call them that) consisted of that anguished deep knee bend thing, that made it look like you had to take a dump the entire time. Soooo, lose the squat thrusts and find some consonants, mmmkay?