Thursday, September 20, 2007

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things about GREENTUNA

Thirteen Cross Stitch Projects I Will NOT Be Undertaking
Any Time Soon Ever

1. "Miracle" (Horses)

First of all, this picture must use 27 shades of white, gray and brown. That's not enjoyment. That's an aneurysm on 32-count linen. Secondly, despite the fact that they have called this gem "Miracle" I'm not sure where the Miracle actually is. When you have a picture of Siamese Horse Heads, shouldn't it be entitled "Freak of Nature?" Sorry, I'll pass on this one. But if someone comes up with a cross stitch picture for a three-eyed fish, I'd be all for it.

2. "Lucky in Bloom"

An unoffensive flower in bold primary colors isn't bad. But cross-stitching "Lucky's cat's butt popping out of the top? Thanks, but no.

3. "Moose Be Born to Ride"

Now, I understand that lots of people take up crafting for lots of reasons. I also understand that lots of people have a wide variety of interests. But I'm thinking the demographics of people obsessed with both motorcycles and Mooses (mooses? moose? Bullwinkles?) has to be pretty narrow. And where would you hang this finished project? The Elk Club?

4. "Beneath Shining Stars"

The problem here isn't the picture. It's fine, if not overly simple (which can be a good thing when you need Christmas gifts PRONTO). What kills me here are the buttons. If I'm not entirely mistaken, the Joseph button on the left is the spitting image of Cartman, and I would never be able to look at this picture without cracking up and singing the South Park version of "Oh Holy Night.

5. "Mend"

Here's an annoying picture that they try to pretty up with some cute bunnies and flowers. Why do I need to spend a couple hours of my time on a pillow that is bugging me to do chores? What do you bet there are several pillows in this series, including "IRON" and "DO SOME DISHES BECAUSE YOU'RE OUT OF FORKS AGAIN." Thanks, I'll pass.

6. "Hang Ten"

Nice try, but I see how you are. It doesn't matter if you dress it up with palm trees, waves, sand and a surfboard, this is still LAUNDRY. I'm not falling for your crafty tricks.

7. "Of Female Arts"

Yeah, because all we can do is sew. I'll just let this ditty speak for itself with my implied Burma-Shave-esque coda: "Bite me."
Of female arts in usefulness
The needle far exceeds the rest
In ornament there's no device
Affords adorning half so nice.

8. "Road Trip"

Ah yes, another winner as we sew a picture of a car pulling a camper. Alas, the weary travelers are lost because the only road they were given goes around in circles. I bet they get really angry every time they reach that button in the middle of Crack Avenue and the dad refuses to ask for directions. Good times.

9. "Summer Maggie Butts"

First of all, I don't get the title at all. Summer, yes. But If Maggie has a butt at all, she must have left it at home. In fact, it's a freak of nature that the turtle floaty device is able to stay on her body when she has no discernible hips. Be that as it may, "Maggie" must be a nickname for "Medusa" because woah, she's got some snake hair going on. And why does she look so demoniacally happy as attacks that poor mouse with pepper spray?

10. "Galatea"
Now, TeenTuna would love this picture. In fact, I think she saw it and she did love it, because it's very mermaidy, oceany, pinky pretty. And on general principals, I don't really have anything against mermaids. Except this one. This mermaid has the most defined butt-cleavage I've ever seen. How many butt presses does she do a day to achieve such form outlined in dark blue. Sorry, even if you are a mythical creature, if your butt looks better than mine, this picture is out.

11. "Peaceful Paradise"

When I was grabbing these pictures, I named this one "wholebunchawords" because seriously, what does it say? Who knows. It might be the entire old testament. It might be a recipe for Tree of Knowledge Pie. It might be directions to button land for that camper above. Whatever it is, it's too much and it's totally illegible. I'm not really up to cross-stitching a novel.

"Mehitable Frisbee"
Ahh, the traditional death picture. Honestly, looking at some of the samplers from the mid-1800's it's a wonder anybody ever got out of bed, because all that was going to happen was that they were going to die. Many samplers admonished the viewer to "remember me" or "think upon me when upon this cloth you see" in a very YOU'RE NEXT kind of way. I've never seen a sampler go quite to this extreme, however, what with all the discussion of worms and such. Then again, if my name was "Mehitable Frisbee" I might not mind being a worm sandwich sooner rather than later.

Taco Sampler
I've said it before and I'll say it again. The day I start cross-stitching tacos is the day I need to find a better hobby.


Anonymous said...

I would be delighted to have and proudly display a three-eyed fish cross stich!
the boy

mensch71 said...

Oh dear Lord. Best post ever. Je suis en d'accord. We need an S&B night stat. How does your Friday night look?

Blue Momma said...

Cute post! I could make a long list of projects I'd like to do and an even longer one of the ones I'd never touch.

Now if my three year old would just let me pick up a needle.....

Irishcoda said...

Your list has me in stitches. I can't believe I said that! :P I really am laughing though...and I love the name of your blog!

Thorne said...

Awesome, funny, perfect!!!!

Bloggers said...

I have not crossed stitched in years!!! I was just telling my daughter that I would love to start it up again. "Yeah right like that would ever happen!!", She said , "can you cross stitch while you are typing"!!

What a little stinker.

my 13 is up on working at home mom.