TUNA NEWS

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

YESTERDAY
Yesterday was the Ides of March, and I forgot. But since I didn't eat any Caesar salad, wear a toga, or buy any Ginsu knives, I survived.

Yesterday I taught from 9am until 9pm without a break. Darn students are supposed to give me one courtsey sick-lesson cancellation a day. But in spite of it all, much was accomplished and it was a good day. After driving home, stumbling through the door and inhaling some leftovers, what did I do? Watch American Idol. What else did I do? I took notes. Seriously. I'm a dumbass who doesn't know when to turn it off.

BUT, I'm a sharing dumbass, so for those of you who watched, these were some of my notes:

Jessica Sierra ("You'd Better Shop Around")
Started strong. Weak in the middle. Marginal at the end.

Mikalah Gordon ("Son of a Preacher Man")
Wow. Nasty. Too low. Pick a key. Needs vibrato. Bad Bad Bad.

Constantine Maroulis ("You Made Me So Very Happy")
Wow. This song perfectly fit his voice. Surprising. Oh. Until the last note. Good hunting and fishing there, buddy.

Bo Bice ("Spinning Wheel")
Why do rockers have to carry the entire mic stand around with them wherever they go? It looks like you're taking it for a walk. Sang great.

Scott Savol ("Ain't Too Proud to Beg")
Shlumpfs around the stage like he is shopping in the toilet paper aisle. Sang ok.

Who SHOULD go?
Mikalah Gordon.

Who WILL go?
I'm still thinking Mikalah, although I wouldn't be surprised to see several others (Jessica Sierra, Lindsey Cardinale or Nikko Smith (again)) take the walk of shame.

Best Simonism of the night:
"Your confidence exceeded your ability."

TODAY
Today is St. Urho's day. UrWHO? UrHO! Some say that with a pitchfork raised, he drove the grasshoppers into the sea, thus saving Finland's grape crop and the drunken revelry that would most assuredly ensue. Others say it was poisonous frogs. Some credit his prowess to fish soup and sour milk. Someone even wrote an ODE. Whatever the real story may be, it seems the entire mess is Minnesota's fault, and if you ask me, it's just an excuse to get cranking on St. Patrick's Day 24 hour ahead of time. Oh, and you're supposed to wear purple. Me? Yeah, I'm in pink and navy.

TOMORROW
Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. Corned beef, cabbage, and that abomination known as green beer will abound. I, however, will be celebrating the greeniest day of the year by exerting my will upon others! (AKA teaching) Maybe some of the green beer wouldn't be so bad afterall. Tomorrow also begins NCAA March Madness Basketball Tournament. The TunaU Men face off against old Dominion on Friday night, while the TunaU Women (number one seed, baby) play their opening round on Saturday afternoon.

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

Monday, March 14, 2005

Hope

It's been a rough couple of weeks in the United States

February 28 -- Chicago -- 3 dead
March 11 -- Atlanta -- 4 dead
March 12 -- Wisconsin -- 8 dead

The land of equal opportunity? Absolutely. You have an equal opportunity to get senselessly blown away at church, in court or at home. The home of the free and the brave? It's difficult to be free or brave when you are diving under a chair in an attempt to save your life.

I watched some of the coverage of the Atlanta slayings on CNN. On Friday evening, the news anchor, Nancy Grace, was having obvious difficulty maintaining her composure throughout what must have an agonizing broadcast. It was evident that she knew some of the victims, and after reading her online bio, it was clear that this story must have brought back some horrifying personal memories. Her hurt and her anger were palpable.

On Sunday evening, I watched the press conference of Ashley Smith, the young woman who was taken hostage by the gunman and who spoke with him for over seven hours. Her courage and calm in the face of obvious terror was astounding. She spoke for over twenty minutes (transcript here), recalling plainly the events that transpired. She occasionally spoke of herself and her fear, but more often than not, she was focused on her abductor, what he did, and what he said.

How did this young woman -- a mother of a five year old daughter, and a widow whose husband was stabbed four years earlier -- find the strength and compassion to set all those real hurts and fears aside and recognize hope in the hopeless?

I really didn't keep track of time too much because I was really worried about just living. I didn't want to die. I didn't want him to hurt anybody else. And I really didn't want him to hurt himself or anyone else to hurt him. He's done enough -- he had done enough. And he really, honestly when I looked at him, he looked like he didn't want to do it anymore.

No talk of monsters. No talk of evil. No talk of hatred. Despite the undeniable and horrible fact that four people were randomly, senselessly slaughtered, she was able to tell him that she didn't want him to hurt himself. He had a purpose. He let her go see her daughter, and when she left, she immediately called 911 and turned him in. He knew she would do it.

But nobody else go hurt.
And that is a miracle.

Today there is talk of anger, sorrow and loss. Tomorrow there will be talk of justice and punishment. Each has their rightful place, and each deserves to be heard. All I can wish is that at the beginning and ending of every day, we as a people can recognize and believe in the hope that lays within each and every one of us.

Then maybe nobody else would get hurt.
And that would be a miracle.

Hope

I really didn't keep track of time too much because I was really worried about just living. I didn't want to die. I didn't want him to hurt anybody else. And I really didn't want him to hurt himself or anyone else to hurt him. He's done enough -- he had done enough. And he really, honestly when I looked at him, he looked like he didn't want to do it anymore.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Blogging for Books -- The Pentatunatuch

Write a blog post about any incident in your life in the style of your favorite author. The author can specialize in either fiction or nonfiction, and can even be another blogger.

My source of literary inspiration for this round of Blogging for Books is none other than The Big Guy Upstairs. Let's face it, lately, The Almighty has put his promotional team into overdrive, appearing in movies and snack foods, not to mention starting his own line of jewelry. Likewise, the controversy over the posting of The 10 Commandments has been getting a great deal of press lately. Why shouldn't I jump on the saintly bandwagon?

The fifth book of The Pentatunatuch was originally discovered and published on October 31st, 2003. The remaining books

were previously only available in a fragmented, modern translation. But now they have been painstakingly restored to their original language and intent. So sit back, grab your incense and enjoy. ~~GreenTuna

The Pentatunatuch. Book The First.
In The Beginning

1:1 In the tenth month of The Year of Our Lord, Halloween was without plans, and void;
1:2 And a darkness was upon the face of TinyTuna.
1:3 And TinyTuna cried, "Let there be Princess Costumes!" And terror filled GreenTuna, as she prayed for a deliverer from this nightmare. And the Lord wast no help whatsoever as he declareth he was staying out of this one. And lo, the mother distracteth the child with French Fries. And there were no Princess Costumes on the first day, and it was good.
1:4 And TinyTuna cried again for Princess Costumes whilst in the midst of the waters of her bath. And her mother pretendeth not to hear. And there were no Princess Costumes on the second day, and it was good.
1:5 And TinyTuna cried in a loud voice again for Princess Costumes whilst playing in the grass underneath the fruit trees. And her heart was filled with hope as her mother hissed, "maybe later". But TinyTuna was knewest not the language of the serpent, and understandeth not that “"maybe later"” was naught more than a serpent tongue uttering, "No". And there were no Princess Costumes on the third day, and it was good.
1:6 Again and again TinyTuna cried in a loud voice for Princess Costumes, and each time the mother's heart was hardened. And there were no Princess Costumes on the fourth day, and it was good.
1:7 Plea begat plea. It was the fifth day.
1:8 Begging begat begging. It was the sixth day.
1:9 And on the seventh day, TinyTuna rested not. It was the first week.
1:10 It was only the first week. And it was not good.

The Pentatunatuch. Book The Second.
The Exodus

2:1 Now these are the names of the Princesses:
2:2 Ariel, Jasmine,
2:3 Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty
2:4 Snow White and Belle
2:5 And thou wouldst have to have been abiding under a rock not to know their names and the land upon which they dwelled.
2:6 For Lo, it was the House of Disney.
2:7 And the time dreweth near, and TinyTuna become annoying unto the ends of the earth.
2:8 And GreenTuna cried unto the heavens, saying, "Behold! The power of TinyTuna is mightier than I. "
2:9 And with a heavy heart, GreenTuna gathered up her bread, and TinyTuna’'s whine and journeyed forth.
2:10 And to passeth the time, TinyTuna sangeth songs from Disney's Greatest Hits Volume Three louder than a plague of locusts.
2:11 And GreenTuna wished to be anywhere else, even in the belly of a whale, for lo, she hadst been reading ahead and wast jumping the gun, biblically speaking.
2:12 And TinyTuna rested not. It was the second week.

The Pentatunatuch. Book The Third.
Noah Means Noah and That's Final

3:1 And lo, TinyTuna and GreenTuna followed the Eastern onStar directions to the marketplace. GramTuna wast there also, for her servitude unto this nightmarish holiday was past, and mocking pleased her greatly.
3:2 And TinyTuna beheld the Holy Land, and sang forth her praises.
3:3 And the people of the land also sang forth praises, for they kneweth that a golden cash cow hadst entered their midst.
3:4 And TinyTuna brought forth to her mother two of every kind of creature: Costumes, Shoes, Wands, Plastic Pails, Crowns, Wigs, and all sorts of manner that hadst nothing to do with Halloween whatsoever.
3:5 And verily, GreenTuna protested greatly, telling TinyTuna, “"Thou must be out of thine mind! For Lo, I wouldst first have to rob a bank and then build an addition out of gopher wood in order to afford and then store all the riches you desireth!"
3:6 And TinyTuna releasethed the flood gates and cried for forty days and forty nights.
3:7 Or so it seemed.
3:8 And TinyTuna rested not. It was the third week.

The Pentatunatuch. Book The Fourth.
The Law and the Profits.

4:1 And when the waters receedeth, GreenTuna spoke plainly of her love for TinyTuna despite her refusal to purchase an $85 Gown of Many Colors.
4:2 And GramTuna brought forth the suggestion that TinyTuna might enjoy being something other than a Princess.
4:3 And GreenTuna pondered in her heart if GramTuna had eaten breakfast from the forbidden tree of Crack.
4:4 And verily, TinyTuna ignoreth them all, saying, No. She desirethed to be a princess.
4:5 And GreenTuna lost her temper and utterethed between clenched teeth, "Thou shalt find a costume elsewhere or thou shalt have nothing."
4:6 And TinyTuna kneweth she wast betwixt a rock and a hard place, and sighed, saying, "Wither thou goest, I will go."
4:7 And they journeyed long, until they reached a New Holy Land that opened verily at the dawn of day, and closethed late into the evening. And TinyTuna rested not until her eyes beheld another Princess Costume.
4:8 It had not the mark of Disney, but wast long and twirlethed greatly, which brought TinyTuna great joy.
4:9 It had not the mark of Disney, and wast still more than GreenTuna wished to pay.
4:10 But truly it was the fourth week, and GreenTuna knewest that the time was at hand, and the spirit of Halloween was upon them.
4:11 Recognizing that she too wast betwixt a rock and a hard place, she carefully divided her bread amongst the garment and the crown and the plastic pail and gave all that she had to Halloween USA.
4:12 It was the fourth week.

The Pentatunatuch. Book The Fifth.
The Ten Tuna Commandments

And lo, the night of Trick or Treating did approach. And GreenTuna returneth to her home, bringing with her the commandments for observing a most right Halloween. And she brought forth TinyTuna, and sat her down so she may hear again those familiar words of the season. And GreenTuna began by offering a prayer that truly, this might be the one year when the commandments would be heard and followed, and the her child would behave in a manner befitting of her age and station, and not as an embarrassing Philistine, as is often the case. When the prayer was completeth, GreenTuna opened the commandments, gave TinyTuna the look of death, and began to speak, saying,

5:1 Thou shalt say "Trick or Treat" at each and every door. Thou shalt not say "Bring Me a Shrubbery" as that was a one-year only exception that verily didst bring great joy to the elders. Thou shalt add neither "Arrrrgh" nor "Ahoy Me Mateys" within the Treat or Treat plea, for verily, thou choseth not to be a pirate, despite the pleas of thine mother.

5:2 Thou shalt say, "Thank You" at each and every door post-treat. Failure to do so will result in being sent back to say it.

5:3 Thou shalt say all door sayings in a voice loud to tumble the walls of Jericho and loud enough so all grown ups can hear it. We shall not accept, "but I DID say it" in that whiny school voice that thou useth and we abhorreth so greatly.

5:4 Thou shalt use sidewalks where they exist and thou shalt refrain from trampling the neighbor's flowers.

5:5 Thou shalt hold hands or stand within grabbing range of an adult when crossing the street.

5:6 Thou shalt not trick or treat past the sanctioned time of 8pm. The window for trick or treating may be slammethed shut early by thine elders if thou art too cranky, or not following the rules.

5:7 Thou shalt eat no candy until the time we returneth home. There shalt be no exceptions to this rule, so thou wouldst be wise to hear these words plainly, and not ask a second time.

5:8 Honor thy mother and bring her offerings of Milk Duds, SweetTarts and Mini Snickers, for lo, it is good in her sight.

5:9 Thou shalt not fight with thy cousin, for all fights cause distress to parents and maketh the venemous bile of anger arise in thine mother. Thou shalt not fight over: who gets the biggest piece of pizza for dinner, who gets what to drink, who stands in the middle for pictures, who reaches the trick or treat porch first, who rings the doorbell first, who knocks on the door first, who takes candy out of the bowl first, who says trick or treat the loudest, who says trick or treat first, who says thank you the loudest, who says thank you first, who tells on the other cousin first about whatever infraction the child deems has occurred, who decides which side of the street to go down first, and so on and so on and so on. Thou shalt remember that thou art the child and haveth no power whatsoever. Thou shalt also remember the parents giveth and the parents taketh away, and this includes candy, privileges and other things thou holdest dear to thine over-competitive heart. Thou shalt do well to remember this rule all of your days.

5:10 Thou shalt not covet thy cousin's candy, for verily thou and thine cousin didst visit the same homes. Thou shalt have one piece following trick or treating and the rest shall be saved for later, for verily, thy candy lies in numbers greater than the stars of heaven. If thou canst remember and follow these commandments, thou might have candy all your days -- or at least until that time when thy parent tires of the hassle, and taketh the rest to work. For lo, the boss finds favor with chocolate and the co-workers eateth anything.

Amen.

Blogging for Books -- The Pentatunatuch

Friday, March 11, 2005

I Fought the Law

Using a cunning defense that combines the rapier wit of Bart Simpson

I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way you can prove anything

With the Lie-Your-Pants-Off strategy of Eddie Izzard

I was dead at the time! I was on the moon ... with Steve ...

Richard Hatch has told a judge that he thought the NETWORKS were responsible for paying his taxes.

Cake or Prison?

I Fought the Law

Friday Feast

Friday Feast 39 is served...

Appetizer: Where do you go when you want to relax?
One thing is for sure. I am NOT a bathtub relaxer. It just doesn't do it for me, on any kind of regular basis. And who has the time?
Answer 1 (Short Distance) -- The backyard swing. There is nothing finer. Except in winter, when it just doesn't work out so well.

Answer 2 (Medium Distance) - -The car. Can you believe it? When you get in a car, there is nothing else to do but drive. Sure, there is traffic with all those huddled masses yearning to be free, and there is construction and tollbooths and whatever. But I know that once I finally make it to the car, all frantic plotting, planning, packing, worrying, etc. is done. It's time to drive.

Answer 3 (Long Distance) -- Sure, you'd think I'd say Hatteras, North Carolina. But for total relaxation there is one answer better than that: The Hatteras-Ocracoke Ferry. On the water. Someone else doing the driving (or the ferrying, in this case). Nothing else to do but stand at the front of the boat with the wind and the waves and if you're very very very lucky...a few dolphins to join you for the trip across.

Soup: Tell about something that made you laugh this week
This probably doesn't sound funny to you at all. But I guarantee that when BSTuna reads this, she is going to be cracking up.
Answer: Last night driving home, I geared up for an enormous sneeze. Which I sneezed. And then I yawned. And then I laughed.
See?

Salad: What is your favorite texture?
This is a very odd question, which will get a very odd answer.
Answer: Unwashed fleece. Now, let me explain. Sheep wool has a high degree of lanolin (ala hand lotion) which makes it very, uh...lanoliny. Combine that with the fluff of the wool and it is strange and wonderful all at the same time.

Main Course: If you were to publish an autobiography, what would the first sentence be?
Call Me Ishmael.....
Once upon a time....
Long ago in a galaxy far, far away....
Answer: But wait, there's more!

Dessert: Do You Celebrate St. Patrick's Day? If so, How?
Unlike SOME people I know, I do not go for the St. Patty's Day Bender, visiting every watering hole within walking/stumbling/crawling distance.
Answer: Corned Beef and Cabbage, Baby!

Friday Feast

Quick Hits

Team Tuna made a strong comeback in the Survivor Fantasy League last night, jumping from fourth to second place. I'm still waiting for any Reward points to trickle in. So far I'm 0-3. TVJunkie is still holding on strong to the top spot. So far, it's a tight race.

In other news, the people have spoken (by not speaking) and have shown that nobody cares about Hillary's too-tight thong or toddler straitjackets (which I personally loved). Too bad. So, I'm giving the research facilities at the Weekly World News some time off to get some better material. This week I'm giving you REAL HONEST AND TRUE STORIES from the ASSOCIATED PRESS. It's all the Wacky of the Weekly World News with 100% Fewer Exclamation Points. Because it's serious.

Cat Shoots Owner

Florida Lawmaker Seeks Toilet Paper Tax

Internet Casino Buys 'Virgin Mary' Pretzel

Nude Man Covered in Nachos Gets Probation

Smelly Readers Banned From Library

Vote early and often. Exclamation free.
Seriously.

Quick Hits

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Hold My Hand

An Open Letter to Darius Rucker,
AKA "Hootie" from the band "Hootie and the Blowfish"

Dear Hootie,

What happened? One minute you and your band are selling eleventy bazillion CDs. The album was so enormously popular, I remember seeing you on a talk show joking about how the only people left buying your ginormously successful CD were people who had either lost or worn out their first copy.

It's true. I have a second copy because I thought I lost my first. Now I have two.

But that was OK by me, because it was a good CD. Lots of fun, singable songs. Your band was a throwback to classic rock, when rock used such novel musical innovations like a discernible tune and beat. Your band was full of singers who could sing and instrumentalists who could instrumental. You were fun, and good, and WE LOVED YOU.

I bought your second CD too, but I have to admit I cannot name a single song on it. But that's OK, because it was a Hootie CD. They all can't be record breaking releases, right?

But if you think about it, that shouldn't matter. You should have made more than enough money with the first album, leaving you with a sizeable financial cushion in case future projects tanked. There shouldn't be any reason why you should be forced to sing the praises of Burger King. I mean, what in the name of special sauce IS THIS COMMERCIAL? Did you lose a bet? Do you owe back taxes? Are you in trouble with the Blowfish Mafia?

Hootie. I'm not rich. But to make this stop, I'd be willing to spot you a twenty. Maybe even two or three.

I'm at a loss as what exactly is the worst part. Is it the purple cowboy suit with white fringe? Is it the whole horrible ad campaign?

Chicken Breast Trees
Streams of Bacon Ranch Dressing
Cheddar Paved Streets
Tumbleweeds of Bacon
That's the Tendercrisp Chicken Bacon Ranch

Hootie. You just HAD to know this wasn't a good idea.
Bacon is holy and neither tumbles nor weeds.

I think the worst thing is that you are willingly cavorting with that extremely creepy big plastic headed Burger King. Even if you think his food is awesome, this commercial simply is not da bomb. It's A BOMB. I cannot help but cringe each and every time you strum-strum your way through this malodorous commercial mess.

No matter what kind of financial trouble you might be experiencing at the present time, there has to be a better way. Sing on the street corner. Organize a Live Hootie-Aid benefit concert. We'd contribute. Honestly. Just please, I beg you. Step away from the King.

Hold My Hand

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Snowy Weather

Some people are just overachievers.

Snowy Weather

Some people are just overachievers.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Incidentally

Favorite email Subject Line that had nothing to do with its contents (mortgages)

incidental bologna

If that isn't the name of a Blog, it should be.

Incidentally

Favorite email Subject Line that had nothing to do with its contents (mortgages)

incidental bologna

If that isn't the name of a Blog, it should be.

You Might Be A Redneck If

There's someone for everyone. Isn't that what we're always taught? Soulmates, better-halves, significant others...all you have to do is FIND THEM.

It's hard to find THEM. Oftentimes THEM just do not want to be found. Some of THEM are in places where (if we weren't so desperate) we would never, ever look. Some of THEM treat it like a big game of hide and seek. Once found, they want to hide again so someone else can find THEM. Some of THEM don't even hide. They strut around as if to say, "I'm right here. Come and get me." But trying to catch one of THEM is impossible, and although they are never out of sight, they are always out of reach.

Luckily, The Internets (tm Shrub) came to the rescue, offering an unending number of ways to help you find THEM, while (conveniently) draining your wallet. Match.com, eHarmony, and a bazillion others (Google search for "Online dating" = 15,900,000) give you the opportunity to set up your own little singles booth and publicize your distinct lack of THEM-ness while simultaneously flaunting your best qualities and glossing over your worst.

Thanks to a big heads up by TV-Junkie
Finally, there is another way.
Finally, a dating site that firmly believes in truth in advertising.
Finally, I'm getting around to my point.

I bring you:

Redneck and Single

Now, you can do this the fast and easy way, spelling out the basics:

1. Who you are (Redneck Man / Redneck Woman)
2. What you want (Redneck Man / Redneck Woman), and
3. Where you want it (WHAT STATE, YOU PERVS)

but what fun is that? You gotta go whole hog and fill out the

Redneck Profile

First you gots to have a username. Probably Green Tuna is a little outside the box for this crew. I'm thinkin when yer fishin, you use a chicken neck. When yer datin, ya needs a good username.

GreenCatfish

Now, ya have to fill out a whole mess'n information 'bout yerself.

Box One = Seeking
Redneck friends
Redneck romance
Marriage
Intimate Relationship
Short-Term Relationship
Long-Term Relationship
Whatever I can get

What they fergot:
Someone to cook mah supper and clean mah gun rack

Box Two = Body Type
Petite
Curvy
Redneck and Athletic
Average
Large-Framed
Bubba-Sized

What they fergot:
If'n ya want vittles, it's none of yer damned business.

Now, wimmin may be Redneck, but they ain't stooopid. No wimmin is gonna call themselves Bubba-Sized no way, no how. They might be Wimmin Too Big and Too Beautiful Fer Yer Scrawny Behind -- but they will NEVER, EVER be called Bubba-Sized.

Box Three = Smoker
Not stated
Hell No
Social
Light
Average
Chain Smoking Redneck

What they mean:
When yer talkin Redneck, the only real options are:
Hell Yeah, or Damn! I just run out!

Box Four: Children
Not sayin'
Heck yeah
No
Hell No
Shucks Maybe

What they fergot:
Ain't no one proved nothin on me yet

Box Five: Religion
Baptist
Southern Baptist
Primitive Baptist
Missionary Baptist
Fundamental Baptist
First Baptist
Methodist
Christian
Other

What they mean:
Real Rednecks dunk their brethren then eat some pie.

Box Six: Employment
Not saying
Drawing Unemployment
Student Redneck
Homemaker
Part-Time Worker, Full-Time Redneck
Full-Time Worker, Full-Time Redneck
Self-Employed
Retired Redneck
Other

What they mean:
Doesn't matter how I gets it, as long as I got enough fer Pork Rinds and Chaw, I'm happy.

Of course, there are other categories too, but Real Rednecks don't care much about edu-ma-cation and other high-fallutin thangs...

One final note: after having been outed by the genteel class who proclaimed the Mitten is the land of rubes whose two-toofed citizenry proudly displays wheeless cars in the front yard on CEE-ment blocks, I gots just one thing to say:

Mitten Rednecks on Site: 24
Virginian Rednecks on Site: 53

Hey Mensch, pass the pork rinds.

You Might Be A Redneck If

Friday, March 04, 2005

Sew What

After spending an evening at the Thea-tah with TinyTuna, I came home to do battle with Comcast and my decided lack of Internet connection. I had spent about forty minutes on the phone and finally had to bail after 25 minutes of your call is important to us Muzak-interruptus where I swore about 97 times they were finally cutting in to talk to me.

Overly gullible or overly optimistic? You make the call.

Although resolving the issue wasn't meant to be pre-Theatahhh, I left with a small amount of hope. The one real person to whom I spoke actually assigned a title to my problem. "Tell them you have a Walled Garden Status," he said. "A what?" I asked. "Walled Garden Status." "Wall what??" I asked again. The entire exchange might as well have been the Who's On First routine, because I was having obvious difficulties accepting the words Walled Garden spilling from the lips of the Corporate Cable Nazi Help Desk. After several go-rounds, I finally straightened out my electronic landscaping issue with Peat the Wonder Geek. He also gave me a "ticket number", and I figured if nothing else, when I got home, I could jump to the head of some line with this amazing bit of insider knowledge.

Yeah, well, that wasn't meant to be either, because when I got home the walled garden was torn down like the Gates of Central Park, and everything was back to as normal as it was going to get.

Which leads me to tonight's Internet treasure.

I wish I could make up crap like this, because really, it's so good, you're SURE that it's fake. Coming soon to a cable television station near you (but alas, not near me):

CRAFT CORNER DEATHMATCH

...Amateur crafters compete against each other, against the clock--and against the imposing Craft Lady of Steel. Armed with nothing more than hot-glue guns and a few basic materials, the contestants must swiftly assemble projects that are judged on beauty, creativity and utility. Host Jason Jones is the devious ringmaster, throwing twists into each challenge and riling up the bloodthirsty studio audience.

Bloodthirsty studio audience? Glue Guns at 20 paces? I know that interest in crafting, particularly fiber arts has grown steadily over the past several years. But how -- pardon the pun -- cutting edge do they think they can be? Even over at Survivor last night, the reward challenge was for a sewing kit, and all the guys had the classic Scooby-Doo WHUUUH? face going. Nobody wants to WIN a sewing kit, especially when you're reduced to eating crab poo and coconuts morning, noon and night.

But back to the bloodthirsty studio audience. I want to know where they are getting a crowd to even care about decoupage, much less get riled up, much much less becoming BLOODTHIRSTY.

CRAFT CORNER DEATHMATCH features Jocelyn Worrall, The Craft Lady of Steel. This made me think that perhaps they are attempting an Iron Chef kind of show

The secret ingredient today is ..... CALICO!
ALLEZ BASTE STITCH!!!

The premiere episode on March 9th features a deathmatch to create the craftiest trivet. Yes, they actually put the word CRAFTIEST right next to TRIVET. Unless it involves molten lead, enriched uranium and glass beads, I'm not feeling the BLOODTHIRSTINESS. As far as a trivet is concerned, anything would do in a pinch, except maybe Junior's flamable Superman pajamas. I'm trying hard to buy into the whole drama of this latest hunk of realia (OK, I'm really not) but dueling glue guns, crackle finishes, decoupage projects and bedazzlers do not a deathmatch make.

The very least they could do is run with scissors.

Sew What

...Amateur crafters compete against each other, against the clock--and against the imposing Craft Lady of Steel. Armed with nothing more than hot-glue guns and a few basic materials, the contestants must swiftly assemble projects that are judged on beauty, creativity and utility. Host Jason Jones is the devious ringmaster, throwing twists into each challenge and riling up the bloodthirsty studio audience.

Friday Feast

Feast Number 38 is served --

Appetizer: Who is the one person you email more often than anyone else?
Answer: Although I certainly go in waves with GramTuna, Mensch and many others, I'm sad, embarrassed and not at all shocked to admit that perhaps the answer is: Myself. And not because I don't get enough email (current inbox: well, I'm not telling, but it's well over 1000). I email reminders to myself. It seems to be the one place where I don't lose things.

Soup: So far, which year of your life has been most enjoyable?
Answer: Who can judge? More importantly, who can remember? I can't remember entire years past. Heck, I can't remember entire days past. Let's just say this year, because (as the song goes) I'm still here.

Salad: Name someone with whom you have lost touch but would like to reunite
Answer: My buddy, my pal, The Rev. Who is no longer a Rev, but that is indeed another story. We touch base maybe once a year, or whenever there is an earthquake in California. The nice part to this whole story is, no matter how long it's been, we always talk like it was just yesterday (or some other yesteryear) when we were all graduate students.

Main Course: What was the tastiest meal you had this past week?
Answer: Again with the remembering thing. Of the meals I remember, I think it's a tie. Option number one is shrimp Creole, because it's always good and someone else made it. Option number two was tomato soup and grilled cheese, served up after an hour or so of snow shoveling, proving tasty doesn't always have to be fancy.

Dessert: Using the letters in your favorite color, write three words that describe your personality.
Bleah. Favorite color? Don't have one. But for the sake of sport, we'll go with GREEN

uh...
uh...
uh...

Groovy
Resplendent
Not

Friday Feast

Quick Hits

FIRST
Team Tuna took a big hit last night in Survivor Fantasy last night, in part because I fell victim to second-guessing, and changed one of my bonus categories at the last minute.

Congrats, props and the like to TVJunkie, Buffyvol and Honeylife, who made BIG strides this week. The competition, as they say, is AWWWN!

SECOND
If you heard loud screaming at approximately 9:55pm last night, that would have been me as I heard newly-fired Audrey say in dreamy dulcet tones, "At least Mr. Trump said I was pretty." This, of course, came after she spent the ENTIRE episode cussing out her team for saying that ... she was pretty.

THIRD
It's half day number 2 of 4 today, and I'm taking an extra long lunch so I can thrill to the dramatic readings of Governor Hutchinson, Samuel Adams and Various narrators as I watch the 5th grade presentation of The Boston Tea Party. TinyTuna Hutchinson will be in full garb, with a red blazer, a white puffy shirt, big buckles on the shoes, and a nobleman's hat, that upon close inspection would be an incognito pirate hat, cleverly disguised by covering the skull and crossbones with a black velvet scrunchy.

Quick Hits

FIRST
Team Tuna took a big hit last night in Survivor Fantasy last night, in part because I fell victim to second-guessing, and changed one of my bonus categories at the last minute.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

WWMD?

In honor of Miss Martha's pending release from the slamma-jamma and re-entry into domestic and television reality bliss, I'd like to offer these random nuggets of information and advice. Yes, I know you didn't ask for them, but What Would Martha Do?

That's right. Let's continue.

1. Never put any cleaning agent into your toilet tank that contains acid. It eats away at the rubber parts inside, and then you have sky-high water bills because you have a slow leak, and then you have to call a plumber to get those rubber parts replaced.

2. Ditto your sink. Rubber fittings and such.

3. They now make taco shells that are wider and have a flat bottom so THEY STAND UP BY THEMSELVES. Why nobody thought of this 30 years ago, I'll never know.

4. Do not go on a dating show, spending weeks upon weeks saying things like, "He could be my husband" and "I'm serious. I want to get married" and then turn down two proposals and start dating your boss.

5. Do not go on a dating show, get on bended knee and offer up jewelry "as a symbol of exploring where this might take us." It's a hunk of metal, not a GPS device.

6. "Quirky" is a fine line to walk. "Wacky" rarely works, and loud bad singing will get you booted first, whether you're on an island or a Hollywood sound stage.

7. For those of you looking to make your mark in television some ten or so years from now, TinyTuna has announced that (so far) she will be on Apprentice, America's Next Top Model, and American Idol. She has currently dropped the notion of being on Amazing Race, and she will not do Survivor ("I won't eat bugs!") I would tell her she's nuts, but then she would just go and prove me wrong, so the mouth, she remains closed.

WWMD?

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

I'm Tired

The past week has seen:

Nine inches of snow.
One snow day = One TinyTuna office assistant.
An abundance of fifth grade math homework. Fractions.
Two half days. Parent-teacher conferences.
Parent Teacher Conferences.
Messes at work.
Messes at home.
More snow.

I'm not complaining. After all, the calendar still says winter. There is always homework to be done and I ain't afraid of no fractions. Parent-teacher conferences are important, if not a little humorous, messes at work means job security, messes at home are part of life, and more snow means hey, I live in the mitten.

I'm not complaining.
But I am tired.