Thursday, March 03, 2005


In honor of Miss Martha's pending release from the slamma-jamma and re-entry into domestic and television reality bliss, I'd like to offer these random nuggets of information and advice. Yes, I know you didn't ask for them, but What Would Martha Do?

That's right. Let's continue.

1. Never put any cleaning agent into your toilet tank that contains acid. It eats away at the rubber parts inside, and then you have sky-high water bills because you have a slow leak, and then you have to call a plumber to get those rubber parts replaced.

2. Ditto your sink. Rubber fittings and such.

3. They now make taco shells that are wider and have a flat bottom so THEY STAND UP BY THEMSELVES. Why nobody thought of this 30 years ago, I'll never know.

4. Do not go on a dating show, spending weeks upon weeks saying things like, "He could be my husband" and "I'm serious. I want to get married" and then turn down two proposals and start dating your boss.

5. Do not go on a dating show, get on bended knee and offer up jewelry "as a symbol of exploring where this might take us." It's a hunk of metal, not a GPS device.

6. "Quirky" is a fine line to walk. "Wacky" rarely works, and loud bad singing will get you booted first, whether you're on an island or a Hollywood sound stage.

7. For those of you looking to make your mark in television some ten or so years from now, TinyTuna has announced that (so far) she will be on Apprentice, America's Next Top Model, and American Idol. She has currently dropped the notion of being on Amazing Race, and she will not do Survivor ("I won't eat bugs!") I would tell her she's nuts, but then she would just go and prove me wrong, so the mouth, she remains closed.

1 comment:

Mrs. Wonderful said...

How about "don't go on a reality dating show?" (I first typed 'realty' dating show. That would be even worse. Really don't go out with parcels of land and fixer-uppers.)

Audrey on the Apprentice really set feminism back. She started out strong, telling FratBoy John that she didn't want to be known *just* for being pretty. And her parting shot was "wow, cool, Donald Trump said I was pretty."

Where do you stand on Rocky's new show, The Contender?