Monday, March 07, 2005

You Might Be A Redneck If

There's someone for everyone. Isn't that what we're always taught? Soulmates, better-halves, significant others...all you have to do is FIND THEM.

It's hard to find THEM. Oftentimes THEM just do not want to be found. Some of THEM are in places where (if we weren't so desperate) we would never, ever look. Some of THEM treat it like a big game of hide and seek. Once found, they want to hide again so someone else can find THEM. Some of THEM don't even hide. They strut around as if to say, "I'm right here. Come and get me." But trying to catch one of THEM is impossible, and although they are never out of sight, they are always out of reach.

Luckily, The Internets (tm Shrub) came to the rescue, offering an unending number of ways to help you find THEM, while (conveniently) draining your wallet., eHarmony, and a bazillion others (Google search for "Online dating" = 15,900,000) give you the opportunity to set up your own little singles booth and publicize your distinct lack of THEM-ness while simultaneously flaunting your best qualities and glossing over your worst.

Thanks to a big heads up by TV-Junkie
Finally, there is another way.
Finally, a dating site that firmly believes in truth in advertising.
Finally, I'm getting around to my point.

I bring you:

Redneck and Single

Now, you can do this the fast and easy way, spelling out the basics:

1. Who you are (Redneck Man / Redneck Woman)
2. What you want (Redneck Man / Redneck Woman), and
3. Where you want it (WHAT STATE, YOU PERVS)

but what fun is that? You gotta go whole hog and fill out the

Redneck Profile

First you gots to have a username. Probably Green Tuna is a little outside the box for this crew. I'm thinkin when yer fishin, you use a chicken neck. When yer datin, ya needs a good username.


Now, ya have to fill out a whole mess'n information 'bout yerself.

Box One = Seeking
Redneck friends
Redneck romance
Intimate Relationship
Short-Term Relationship
Long-Term Relationship
Whatever I can get

What they fergot:
Someone to cook mah supper and clean mah gun rack

Box Two = Body Type
Redneck and Athletic

What they fergot:
If'n ya want vittles, it's none of yer damned business.

Now, wimmin may be Redneck, but they ain't stooopid. No wimmin is gonna call themselves Bubba-Sized no way, no how. They might be Wimmin Too Big and Too Beautiful Fer Yer Scrawny Behind -- but they will NEVER, EVER be called Bubba-Sized.

Box Three = Smoker
Not stated
Hell No
Chain Smoking Redneck

What they mean:
When yer talkin Redneck, the only real options are:
Hell Yeah, or Damn! I just run out!

Box Four: Children
Not sayin'
Heck yeah
Hell No
Shucks Maybe

What they fergot:
Ain't no one proved nothin on me yet

Box Five: Religion

Southern Baptist
Primitive Baptist
Missionary Baptist
Fundamental Baptist
First Baptist

What they mean:
Real Rednecks dunk their brethren then eat some pie.

Box Six: Employment
Not saying
Drawing Unemployment
Student Redneck
Part-Time Worker, Full-Time Redneck
Full-Time Worker, Full-Time Redneck
Retired Redneck

What they mean:
Doesn't matter how I gets it, as long as I got enough fer Pork Rinds and Chaw, I'm happy.

Of course, there are other categories too, but Real Rednecks don't care much about edu-ma-cation and other high-fallutin thangs...

One final note: after having been outed by the genteel class who proclaimed the Mitten is the land of rubes whose two-toofed citizenry proudly displays wheeless cars in the front yard on CEE-ment blocks, I gots just one thing to say:

Mitten Rednecks on Site: 24
Virginian Rednecks on Site: 53

Hey Mensch, pass the pork rinds.


TV Junkie said...

Bubba-sized. *snerk* still cracks me up.

Anonymous said...

make fun, but they got 10000 members already in less than 8 weeks...without spending a dime on advertising...just milions of dollars of free publciity...they may be redneck, but they're also smart businesmen.