Friday, March 04, 2005

Sew What

After spending an evening at the Thea-tah with TinyTuna, I came home to do battle with Comcast and my decided lack of Internet connection. I had spent about forty minutes on the phone and finally had to bail after 25 minutes of your call is important to us Muzak-interruptus where I swore about 97 times they were finally cutting in to talk to me.

Overly gullible or overly optimistic? You make the call.

Although resolving the issue wasn't meant to be pre-Theatahhh, I left with a small amount of hope. The one real person to whom I spoke actually assigned a title to my problem. "Tell them you have a Walled Garden Status," he said. "A what?" I asked. "Walled Garden Status." "Wall what??" I asked again. The entire exchange might as well have been the Who's On First routine, because I was having obvious difficulties accepting the words Walled Garden spilling from the lips of the Corporate Cable Nazi Help Desk. After several go-rounds, I finally straightened out my electronic landscaping issue with Peat the Wonder Geek. He also gave me a "ticket number", and I figured if nothing else, when I got home, I could jump to the head of some line with this amazing bit of insider knowledge.

Yeah, well, that wasn't meant to be either, because when I got home the walled garden was torn down like the Gates of Central Park, and everything was back to as normal as it was going to get.

Which leads me to tonight's Internet treasure.

I wish I could make up crap like this, because really, it's so good, you're SURE that it's fake. Coming soon to a cable television station near you (but alas, not near me):

...Amateur crafters compete against each other, against the clock--and against the imposing Craft Lady of Steel. Armed with nothing more than hot-glue guns and a few basic materials, the contestants must swiftly assemble projects that are judged on beauty, creativity and utility. Host Jason Jones is the devious ringmaster, throwing twists into each challenge and riling up the bloodthirsty studio audience.
Bloodthirsty studio audience? Glue Guns at 20 paces? I know that interest in crafting, particularly fiber arts has grown steadily over the past several years. But how -- pardon the pun -- cutting edge do they think they can be? Even over at Survivor last night, the reward challenge was for a sewing kit, and all the guys had the classic Scooby-Doo WHUUUH? face going. Nobody wants to WIN a sewing kit, especially when you're reduced to eating crab poo and coconuts morning, noon and night.

But back to the bloodthirsty studio audience. I want to know where they are getting a crowd to even care about decoupage, much less get riled up, much much less becoming BLOODTHIRSTY.

CRAFT CORNER DEATHMATCH features Jocelyn Worrall, The Craft Lady of Steel. This made me think that perhaps they are attempting an Iron Chef kind of show

The secret ingredient today is ..... CALICO!

The premiere episode on March 9th features a deathmatch to create the craftiest trivet. Yes, they actually put the word CRAFTIEST right next to TRIVET. Unless it involves molten lead, enriched uranium and glass beads, I'm not feeling the BLOODTHIRSTINESS. As far as a trivet is concerned, anything would do in a pinch, except maybe Junior's flamable Superman pajamas. I'm trying hard to buy into the whole drama of this latest hunk of realia (OK, I'm really not) but dueling glue guns, crackle finishes, decoupage projects and bedazzlers do not a deathmatch make.

The very least they could do is run with scissors.


TVJ said...

A walled what?

Jay Ann Cox, PhD said...

I have a FAB-ulous recipe for crab poo and coconut!

About 10 years ago, we used to snort in derision that "next, there will be a too-much free time channel!" Bwah ha ha. Um, except now? It seems we have an entire cable network that could be so named. Still, I'm drawn like a moth to a yellow bug lite so I can hear Donny Deutsch say to Jon Bon Jovi, "hey man, you're cool."

nlk said...

And me without the Style Network.

I am so bummed.

Because I just KNOW that is going to be like a trainwreck that NEEDS gawking at!!!

Gary said...

This is the closest thing I can find out the internet. It sounds like it's a way of the ISP restricting access to only certain sites on the 'net. I guess this article was outside of the "walled garden"...

"Seeking to extend to the online world the same near-monopoly status that it enjoys with video programming in most markets, the cable industry is designing and deploying ITV systems that offer only the illusion of online choice. Dubbed "walled gardens" by supporters and skeptics alike, cable's new "managed-content areas" amount to proprietary versions of "Internet Lite."

Jeff Faria said...

mmmmm.... crab poo...

Uh, well, we want to see MORE "Deathmatch" type shows, like Meet the Press Deathmatch, Jerry Lewis Telethon Deathmatch, etc.. If you have any ideas along these lines, please post 'em on our site. The way things are going, some of the ideas will certainly turn up in the fall TV listings.