SUPERSIZE
The once mighty McDonald's has caved. Who would have ever imagined that the ultimate behemoth of burgers would give a clown's hiny about public opinion? The tub-o-fries and vat-o-Coke are being unceremoniously dumped, like the scalding hot coffee of yore. That's right folks, Supersize is going to be a thing of the past.

I can't say I'm terribly upset. I have difficulties finishing a container of fries, and unless a 44-ounce drink comes with a catheter, it's just too much. Besides, the cups won't fit in my car, and they're too big to wedge between the seat and the emergency break. One sudden stop and I'd be splashing around in a three-inch puddle inside my car. No thanks.

Some believe the supersize abandonment is directly related to the new documentary film "Supersize Me" which chronicles the director's thirty-day diet of nothing but McDonald's fast food fare (Oh, by the way, thanks for the current event). Needless to say, the results weren't pretty. It's no big surprise to hear that McDonald's isn't biting. Their claim is that it is a part of the companies decision to move to a unified "core menu" that promotes "balanced choices."

Uh huh. I'm not biting that either, but it doesn't really matter. My fervent hope and prayer out of this entire shakeup is that when all the fish and chips have landed there will be three -- and only three -- sizes of fries and drinks. No more, No less. And they must be called small, medium and large. No biggies. No great-biggies. No big-big-biggies. No gut-busters. No wombos. Just S-M-L. You don't think it's confusing? I once had this conversation at a drive-through window:

Tuna I'd like a medium Diet Coke
McDs We don't have medium.

Tuna What do you mean you don't have medium?
McDs We have small, large, extra-large and Supersized.

Tuna What happened to your mediums?
McDs We still have mediums.

Tuna You do? I thought you said small, large, extra-large and Supersized.
McDs Yes, that's right.

Tuna So where are the mediums?
McDs Our mediums are our smalls.

Tuna What?
McDs Our mediums are now our smalls. We don't have smalls anymore.

Tuna Oh. So when you say you have small, you really mean medium.
McDs Yeah. Well, I guess.

Tuna OK. I'll take the second-smallest whatever-you-call-it-sized Diet Coke.
McDs Great. Would you like fries with that?

Tuna Yes. I'll take a medium fries.
McDs We don't have medium.

Tuna You don't?
McDs We have small, value, large and Supersized.

Tuna Is the small the medium?
McDs What?

Tuna Like the drinks. Is the small the medium?
McDs No. The small is the small.

Tuna Where is the medium?
McDs The medium is the value.

Tuna Is it a better deal now that it's a value instead of a medium?
McDs No.

Tuna So why is it a value?
McDs Because it costs a dollar.

Tuna But that's more than it used to cost?
McDs Yes.

Tuna But...wait...uh....oh, forget it. OK. Value fries.
McDs Great! Would you like some cookies or a pie with that?

Tuna NO! But I also need a kid's meal with Chicken Nuggets.
McDs A Mighty Kid's meal or a Happy Meal?

Tuna Well, she's kind of cranky.
McDs What?
Tuna (laughing) Never mind. Happy Meal, please.

So please, McDonald's. We don't care so much about healthy choices. If we did, we most likely wouldn't be at your drive-through. I rarely pine for the "olden days", but I'd have a parade for the simplification of your menu. Just don't forget your mantra:
Small. Medium. Large.
Small. Medium. Large.
Small. Medium. Large.
Ommmmmmm
Sign My Guestbook!