Wednesday, July 14, 2004

We Interrupt This Program

I'm putting a hit out on my local weatherman. Last night, for the second week in a row, my guilty-pleasure viewing of Reality Central was continually interrupted because my weatherman is a camera-hungry fame monger.

Keep in mind, there were no tornados. There were no hurricanes or Tsunamis. No Alberta Clippers or even LA Clippers. There was nothing life-threatening. It was raining.

It wasn't flooding. The dam hadn't burst and the river banks hadn't overflowed. Noah was nowhere in sight and the streets were clear, albeit wet. I have no problem with anybody warning me of IMPENDING CAPS-LOCK DOOM. But people, it was rain, that's all.

But here was my weatherman, in his long-winded interrupting glory. "Welcome to StormTracker6. As you can see, it's raining. Let's blow up this section here so you can see the weather patterns. Wow. Those are some storms....."

......I am reminded of TinyTuna's latest play director who has a line I love. In order to keep the kids quiet, she tells them there should be no talking unless there is Fire, Blood or Dead Bodies. IS THERE FIRE? IS THERE BLOOD? ARE THERE DEAD BODIES?? IF NOT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN (she always calls them ladies and gentlemen, which I also love) THERE SHOULD BE NO TALKING. THANK YOU

".....Those are some storms. If we check the radar we see there is a chance of pea-sized hail. You should take cover from these powerful storms. Let's pull the map back again and you can see the direction this storm is moving. Now, if we check the clock, we can see the storm will hit Blahblah High School at 10:15, DumDum Field at 10:18, and Wow.....The village of LordHaveMercy can expect to see this powerful storm at 10:58pm. Now let's check in with StormChaser Wally...."

Inexplicably, they now move to an interview segment with StormChaser Wally. And it's not enough to have to look at StormChaser Wally talk with his toupee a-flappin in the breeze. Oh no. We get StormChaser Wally ON THE PHONE. StormChaser Wally spends the next several minutes describing what lightning looks like. I don't think I'm speaking out of turn when I tell you I'm pretty sure people are clear on the concept of lightning. Bright flash, then dark. Bright flash, then dark. But here's StormChaser Wally anyway, describing the lightning.

"....I'm standing out here by the airport, and let me tell you, the lightning is really something. It's quite a display of fireworks out here. I haven't seen lightning like this in quite some time. Yes, it's quite a display of fireworks....."

Fire. Blood. Dead bodies. This is a good motto. If you're interrupting prime time television, StormChaser Wally had better be in a driving rainstorm with 95mph winds clinging to a telephone pole.

When he finishes with his lecture on lightning, StormChaser Wally returns us to Weather Central, or The Doppler Den, or whatever they call that corner of the newsroom that has the fancy computer. Time for rehash!

Storms. Rain. Stay tuned to StormTracker 6 for all your weather updates.

By the time I'm finally returned to my regularly scheduled program, the drama of the carefully crafted story is over and all the participants are asleep. My poor Amazing Race has so many potholes, I have no idea how people got from point A to point B. Fortunately I was able to see Alison and Donny make their less than graceful exit from the racing circuit. Even better? The Amazing Race is going to be rebroadcast this Saturday night, so I can watch Alison and Donny self destruct all over again. That is, if it doesn't rain.

I return you to your regularly scheduled blogging.

1 comment:

TVJ said...

Ok. But what's REALLY scary? I'm in SoCal .. and our weather people do the exact same thing. I ask you. How often does SoCal really, really, REALLY need "Storm Watch"?