Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Take This Gown and Shove It

Today there is no greater joy in my life than knowing I am once and for all finished with the entire abysmal mess known as trick-or-treating because TeenTuna, having officially reached Teenhood, has bypassed the appropriate window for door to door begging. Now, before you all get upset about me being a mean mom (which make no mistake, I am), let me assure you that I already took her to the store and let her select her own bag of candy. So she gets all the bounty and I suffer through none of the hassle. It's win-win all the way.

In fact, this year she appears to be so over (teen-speak) Halloween, that given the chance to wear a costume to school today, she chose jeans and a black t-shirt that said "Trick or Treat." I told her she looked lovely. And she did. And I didn't have to go digging the basement for old costumes. It was all good.

However, as many of you may remember, Halloween wasn't always so easy. In fact, there are ancient written reports (ok, not that ancient) of Halloweens past, that I thought would be best to share this with you once again today, because for all you trick-or-treating adults out there, I feel your pain.

The fifth book of The Halloween Pentatunatuch was originally discovered and published on October 31st, 2003. The remaining books were previously only available in a fragmented, modern translation. But now they have been painstakingly restored to their original language and intent. So before you grab your tot and prepare for an evening of whining, crying, rain, snow and "HE TOOK TWO AND I ONLY HAVE ONE!" sit back and enjoy the misery of others. And just remember that tonight I'll be enjoying my Milk Duds in a warm dry movie theater. ~~ GreenTuna

The Halloween Pentatunatuch. Book The First.
In The Beginning

1:1 In the tenth month of The Year of Our Lord, Halloween was without plans, and void;
1:2 And a darkness was upon the face of TinyTuna.
1:3 And TinyTuna cried, "Let there be Princess Costumes!" And terror filled GreenTuna, as she prayed for a deliverer from this nightmare. And the Lord wast no help whatsoever as he declareth he was staying out of this one. And lo, the mother distracteth the child with French Fries. And there were no Princess Costumes on the first day, and it was good.
1:4 And TinyTuna cried again for Princess Costumes whilst in the midst of the waters of her bath. And her mother pretendeth not to hear. And there were no Princess Costumes on the second day, and it was good.
1:5 And TinyTuna cried in a loud voice again for Princess Costumes whilst playing in the grass underneath the fruit trees. And her heart was filled with hope as her mother hissed, "maybe later". But TinyTuna was knewest not the language of the serpent, and understandeth not that “"maybe later"” was naught more than a serpent tongue uttering, "No". And there were no Princess Costumes on the third day, and it was good.
1:6 Again and again TinyTuna cried in a loud voice for Princess Costumes, and each time the mother's heart was hardened. And there were no Princess Costumes on the fourth day, and it was good.
1:7 Plea begat plea. It was the fifth day.
1:8 Begging begat begging. It was the sixth day.
1:9 And on the seventh day, TinyTuna rested not. It was the first week.
1:10 It was only the first week. And it was not good.

The Halloween Pentatunatuch. Book The Second.
The Exodus

2:1 Now these are the names of the Princesses:
2:2 Ariel, Jasmine,
2:3 Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty
2:4 Snow White and Belle
2:5 And thou wouldst have to have been abiding under a rock not to know their names and the land upon which they dwelled.
2:6 For Lo, it was the House of Disney.
2:7 And the time dreweth near, and TinyTuna become annoying unto the ends of the earth.
2:8 And GreenTuna cried unto the heavens, saying, "Behold! The power of TinyTuna is mightier than I. "
2:9 And with a heavy heart, GreenTuna gathered up her bread, and TinyTuna’'s whine and journeyed forth.
2:10 And to passeth the time, TinyTuna sangeth songs from Disney's Greatest Hits Volume Three louder than a plague of locusts.
2:11 And GreenTuna wished to be anywhere else, even in the belly of a whale, for lo, she hadst been reading ahead and wast jumping the gun, biblically speaking.
2:12 And TinyTuna rested not. It was the second week.

The Halloween Pentatunatuch. Book The Third.
Noah Means Noah and That's Final

3:1 And lo, TinyTuna and GreenTuna followed the Eastern onStar directions to the marketplace. GramTuna wast there also, for her servitude unto this nightmarish holiday was past, and mocking pleased her greatly.
3:2 And TinyTuna beheld the Holy Land, and sang forth her praises.
3:3 And the people of the land also sang forth praises, for they kneweth that a golden cash cow hadst entered their midst.
3:4 And TinyTuna brought forth to her mother two of every kind of creature: Costumes, Shoes, Wands, Plastic Pails, Crowns, Wigs, and all sorts of manner that hadst nothing to do with Halloween whatsoever.
3:5 And verily, GreenTuna protested greatly, telling TinyTuna, “"Thou must be out of thine mind! For Lo, I wouldst first have to rob a bank and then build an addition out of gopher wood in order to afford and then store all the riches you desireth!"
3:6 And TinyTuna releasethed the flood gates and cried for forty days and forty nights.
3:7 Or so it seemed.
3:8 And TinyTuna rested not. It was the third week.

The Halloween Pentatunatuch. Book The Fourth.
The Law and the Profits.

4:1 And when the waters receedeth, GreenTuna spoke plainly of her love for TinyTuna despite her refusal to purchase an $85 Gown of Many Colors.
4:2 And GramTuna brought forth the suggestion that TinyTuna might enjoy being something other than a Princess.
4:3 And GreenTuna pondered in her heart if GramTuna had eaten breakfast from the forbidden tree of Crack.
4:4 And verily, TinyTuna ignoreth them all, saying, No. She desirethed to be a princess.
4:5 And GreenTuna lost her temper and utterethed between clenched teeth, "Thou shalt find a costume elsewhere or thou shalt have nothing."
4:6 And TinyTuna kneweth she wast betwixt a rock and a hard place, and sighed, saying, "Wither thou goest, I will go."
4:7 And they journeyed long, until they reached a New Holy Land that opened verily at the dawn of day, and closethed late into the evening. And TinyTuna rested not until her eyes beheld another Princess Costume.
4:8 It had not the mark of Disney, but wast long and twirlethed greatly, which brought TinyTuna great joy.
4:9 It had not the mark of Disney, and wast still more than GreenTuna wished to pay.
4:10 But truly it was the fourth week, and GreenTuna knewest that the time was at hand, and the spirit of Halloween was upon them.
4:11 Recognizing that she too wast betwixt a rock and a hard place, she carefully divided her bread amongst the garment and the crown and the plastic pail and gave all that she had to Halloween USA.
4:12 It was the fourth week.

The Halloween Pentatunatuch. Book The Fifth.
The Ten Tuna Commandments

And lo, the night of Trick or Treating did approach. And GreenTuna returneth to her home, bringing with her the commandments for observing a most right Halloween. And she brought forth TinyTuna, and sat her down so she may hear again those familiar words of the season. And GreenTuna began by offering a prayer that truly, this might be the one year when the commandments would be heard and followed, and the her child would behave in a manner befitting of her age and station, and not as an embarrassing Philistine, as is often the case. When the prayer was completeth, GreenTuna opened the commandments, gave TinyTuna the look of death, and began to speak, saying,

5:1 Thou shalt say "Trick or Treat" at each and every door. Thou shalt not say "Bring Me a Shrubbery" as that was a one-year only exception that verily didst bring great joy to the elders. Thou shalt add neither "Arrrrgh" nor "Ahoy Me Mateys" within the Treat or Treat plea, for verily, thou choseth not to be a pirate, despite the pleas of thine mother.

5:2 Thou shalt say, "Thank You" at each and every door post-treat. Failure to do so will result in being sent back to say it.

5:3 Thou shalt say all door sayings in a voice loud to tumble the walls of Jericho and loud enough so all grown ups can hear it. We shall not accept, "but I DID say it" in that whiny school voice that thou useth and we abhorreth so greatly.

5:4 Thou shalt use sidewalks where they exist and thou shalt refrain from trampling the neighbor's flowers.

5:5 Thou shalt hold hands or stand within grabbing range of an adult when crossing the street.

5:6 Thou shalt not trick or treat past the sanctioned time of 8pm. The window for trick or treating may be slammethed shut early by thine elders if thou art too cranky, or not following the rules.

5:7 Thou shalt eat no candy until the time we returneth home. There shalt be no exceptions to this rule, so thou wouldst be wise to hear these words plainly, and not ask a second time.

5:8 Honor thy mother and bring her offerings of Milk Duds, SweetTarts and Mini Snickers, for lo, it is good in her sight.

5:9 Thou shalt not fight with thy cousin, for all fights cause distress to parents and maketh the venemous bile of anger arise in thine mother. Thou shalt not fight over: who gets the biggest piece of pizza for dinner, who gets what to drink, who stands in the middle for pictures, who reaches the trick or treat porch first, who rings the doorbell first, who knocks on the door first, who takes candy out of the bowl first, who says trick or treat the loudest, who says trick or treat first, who says thank you the loudest, who says thank you first, who tells on the other cousin first about whatever infraction the child deems has occurred, who decides which side of the street to go down first, and so on and so on and so on. Thou shalt remember that thou art the child and haveth no power whatsoever. Thou shalt also remember the parents giveth and the parents taketh away, and this includes candy, privileges and other things thou holdest dear to thine over-competitive heart. Thou shalt do well to remember this rule all of your days.

5:10 Thou shalt not covet thy cousin's candy, for verily thou and thine cousin didst visit the same homes. Thou shalt have one piece following trick or treating and the rest shall be saved for later, for verily, thy candy lies in numbers greater than the stars of heaven. If thou canst remember and follow these commandments, thou might have candy all your days -- or at least until that time when thy parent tires of the hassle, and taketh the rest to work. For lo, the boss finds favor with chocolate and the co-workers eateth anything.



Anonymous said...

Happy Halloween to you and the TeenTuna - I've left a treat for you in my blog. Sadly, it's not milk duds.

bozoette said...

Most excellent writings, saith the clown, well deserving of such offerings as mini-Snickers and Milk Duds.

nlk said...

your halloween posts crack me up year after year! :)