RESOLUTIONS
Be it hereby noted that it is a New Year, and with that recognition comes the obligation of New Year's Resolutions. To whit, I offer the following hopes, promises and resolutions for the New Year:

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 I will attempt to improve my viewing ratio of adult films to children's movies. This shouldn't be too tough. I believe my 2003 record was 2. There is nothing worse than socializing with adults who discuss the latest cinematic offering, and my contributions are limited to all things Disney and Pixar. Brother Bear is ok, but sort of kills any stimulating conversation.

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 (Addenda to the above resolution) When I said "adult" films, I didn't mean adult Adult films like you thought I did (you gutter dwellers). I meant films for grown-ups.

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 I will attempt to find friends who aren't pervs and think I like watching "adult" films.

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 I will finally do something with my pile of lonely socks. I don't know what I'm waiting for here. I never throw them out (and No, it's not because of my memories of my sock adventures -- that's TinyTuna's domain). I put them back downstairs by the washing machine. Why? I don't know. Maybe I think the first one will show up. Maybe I think the second one will run away and join the sock circus. All I know is that I don't have the slightest idea why I'm running an unsuccessful dating club for single footwear.

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 I will finish three big yet-unfinished sewing projects. I will also pray to the God of Needlework that I will not go blind or insane in the process.

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 I will name Mike and his Hard Lemonade my patron Saint of all things Pain in the Ass. Why? Because Mike's makes everything better. Mike's Hard Lemonade will now be known as Saint PITA, which is really cool because it will seem like I'm talking in a snobby faux British Accent about a Galilean Fisherman who had difficulties telling time. Cock-a-Doodle-Doo!

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 (Addenda again) That I was not referring to anything "adult" with that last "Cock-a-Doodle-Doo" reference.

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 I will get control of my bedroom (No! That's NOT what I mean!!) This means piles of papers, old magazines and things I do not need. I will also hold a Dust Bunny Summit in the hopes that we can live in peace and harmony.

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 The Dust Bunny Summit will be a clever ruse. When they come forward I will attack with the Swiffer of Destruction. Dodge! Foil! Parry!

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 I will attempt to keep a calendar and a date book current.

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 I will fail miserably at the above resolution in record time.

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 I will discover the man responsible for Barbie packaging, and he will be my prisoner. I will keep him captive with a bazillion twisty ties. I will sew his hair to the wall. I will tack down indiscriminate pieces of clothing with invisible thread so he can never escape. And then, I will let loose the young children who will scream in horror because nobody, NOBODY can free him from his bonds. And lo, it will be a good and righteous revenge.

Be it noted forthwith, in the year 2004 I will admit in all seriousness that I do not make resolutions. All I hope for and wish for is another day. As a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, aunt, or cousin. As a friend. As a me. I hope that I will be comfortable with who I am. I know that not all days will be good. Not all days will be funny. Not all days will even be particularly noteworthy. But I hope that no matter what the days bring, I can learn the song that it has to teach me.

That's a resolution worth keeping.
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