If you cannot read between the lines, what this really means is, proving to the entire world that nowadays, practically nobody would have a snowballs' chance of surviving anything that required hard work, manual labor, corsets, and a distinct lack of indoor plumbing.
Texas Ranch House has set the wayback machine to Texas (duh) in the year 1867. Summer camp fun will include all manners of Yee-Haw Wild Western fun, such as livestock branding, corral building, stallion training and a two-week cattle drive.
Didn't they already do this show?
No matter. I'll probably watch because it's PBS. And if it's PBS -- even if it's reality TV -- it's EDUCATIONAL. So there. Nyah.
But I got to thinking. Forget Texas and cattle and the open plains. Forget pilgrims and the colonies. Forget the Montana Territory and that cheater rich family that sold goods to passing motorists, listened to the radio, brought in a hand-designed Whiskey still and was caught with a box spring in their bed that they snuck in from a local dump. What if I -- GreenTuna -- developed my own historical reenactment series to pitch to the PBS crowd?
In TunaHouse 2000, contestants will travel back in time to a coupld years ago and assume the lifestyle of a middle class (optimistically speaking, at least once every two weeks on payday for about 15 minutes) working mother of one. Prior to the start of this great social experiment,
1. Road Basics 101: Car Killing Potholes
2. Road Basics 102: Orange Construction Barrels
3. Road Basics 103: Driving the Lodge, or, 85 is the new 70.
4. Traffic 101 -- Freshman Move-In Day. Yes, they are insignificant, but it's still a violation to hit them.
5. Traffic 201 -- Home Football Games: 1001 lies to get past the barricades.
6. Traffic 395 -- The Red Cedar River: This Flood's For You!
7. Traffic 999 -- Riot U: How to avoid pepper spray, mounted police, flaming couches, and seeing your car burn on the 11:00 news.
1. Ballet, Tap, Jazz, Choir, Church, Play, Swim Lessons and Concerts -- or -- Gas up the car; you won't be home until a week from Friday.
2. Who cares about 911? Speed-dialing was made for Pizza delivery.
3. The Wisdom of Solomon: You're broke and you must choose three pieces of crap to buy. Which do you hate the least? Wrapping paper, popcorn, chocolate turtles, candles, candy bars, cookies, cookie dough, books, gift certificates, *insert your activity here*-a-thon pledges...
4. Television and the Family: 101 ways to just say NO to The Cartoon Network and bad animation.
3. The Cheetah Girls
4. Deciphering illegible 79th generation photocopied pages of homework
5. States and Capitals
6. Hilary Duff and the coolness you cannot see
1. It's 11:45 PM -- Time to make the cupcakes!
2. You are a gourmet cook and all they want is macaroni and cheese.
3. How many spoons are left before you have to buy more?
4. Homemade Pharmaceuticals -- The cure for deadly diseases is growing in your refrigerator.
1. Mitten Lore: Pasties, Mighty Mac, Dey-Twah, That other school which is so clearly inferior to all others, Sparty, Izzone, Yoopers, The Locks, The Fort, The Porch.
2. Mitten Geography: Right hand with thumb mandatory, Left hand optional.
3. Blame Canada: Your neighbor to the south.
4. Queen Coins: Canadian works here, but for the sake of all that is holy, don't take them to Virginia.
5. The Midwest Twang: You can walk the walk, but can you talk the talk?
Instead of a diary room, all venting will be done blog-style. This means you must vent with proper grammar, flow of phrase and within the parameters of Blogger, which will eat your post in its entirety, and without warning.
Applications must be accompanied by a $1000 non-refundable processing fee.
TinyTuna has to go to college, you know.