Sunday, November 07, 2004

Mystery in Aisle Seven

I ventured to the grocery store on Saturday along with the rest of the free world. Sad to say, I was in a hurry. They were not. Shopping was torture. In between heats of the Olympic Grocery Cart slalom event, I came across two separate instances of grocery HUH??idness that I hadn't seen in quite awhile.

Example the First: Low Carb Hamburger Helper
No, really. Low carb. Hamburger Helper. Or, as they like to call it "Carb Monitor" Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Macaroni. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but the premise of hamburger helper is to cook up some hamburger and then add noodles and a flavored powdery cheesy goop sauce that theoretically makes the whole thing palatable. The noodles and goop sauce comes in a box loaded with chemicals so the cheesy goop sauce remains fresh and powdery (I guess) and contains enough sodium to open a pretzel factory.

But think about it. "Carb Monitor" doesn't necessarily mean "Low Carb". Heck, maybe the carb monitor shows your heart climbing the mountain and jumping off a cliff like lemmings into an ocean of cheesy goop. Actually though -- in this case, anyway -- "Carb Monitor" really does mean low carb to the Helping Hand of Hamburger Helper. Or at least lower carb than before. It boasts a whopping 30% fewer carbs than full-tilt death-match Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Macaroni. But really, when your carbometer is already off the charts, what's a few more between friends? And for those who are extremely carb conscious, even with 30% fewer carbs, one helping is still more than even a dead Atkins will allow. But hey, kudos for trying.
Need more Propaganda?

Example the Second: Scrubbing Bubbles Fresh Brush Flushable
I had been pondering purchasing one of these for awhile, and finally remembered this weekend to find one and take a look at it. I didn't want anything that created a lot of waste, so I wanted to see how this works. It's essentially a paper-type scrubber that attaches to a long handle. When you're finished, you flush it and it dissolves. Simple enough.

So, as I'm looking over the instructions on the back, the very first CAPS LOCK warning is: DO NOT USE FOR PERSONAL HYGIENE.

Following that little informational nugget, these were the precise order of my thoughts:
1. Grossed Out
Personal Hygiene and toilet cleaner? UGH.
2. Hysterically funny in a grossed-out kind of way
OH MY GOSH! They had to put a warning about using toilet cleaner as a methods of personal hygiene. Are people really that dumb?
3. Horrified
Wait.Wait.WAIT. Are people really.......*brainfreeze*
4. Ewwwwwww
5. Funny again in a perverted sense of humor kind of way
OH MY GOSH! People are....and then they have to actually put up a warning because, because people are using this as a....OH MY GOSH!
6. Profound Disappointment
I'm old. I'm old and set in my ways. I'm old and set in my ways and so UNCREATIVE that I would have never, ever in a million years thought to ever use a long-handled toilet cleaning brush for any sort of personal-anything use whatsoever. Why didn't I think of something so outside the box that they would have to put a warning ON the box?

Not only that. If you read the order of CAPS-LOCK precautions, the PERSONAL HYGIENE one comes first. It comes before splooshing it in your eyes and needing a seeing eye dog. It comes before eating it for lunch and then losing your lunch. And your digestive tract.

So I'm thinking that the next time I'm feeling like I'm in a rut, I'm going to head off to the grocery store. Who needs a bottle of wine and a racy novel? With Carb-Monitor Hamburger Helper Cheesy Macaroni and a Scrubbing Bubbles Fresh Brush Flushable, it's party time, Tuna Style.

Or so they say.


TVJ said...

I .. can't .. even .. imagine. Personal hygiene? *shudder*

Margaret said...

I was just saying to myself the other day...'Dianne (that's what I call myself), you sure could use a stain removing back scrubber!!'

One more thing~~once the toilet scrubber handle has fornicated with the yucky water in the bowl, what do you do with it? Do you let it drip dry? YUCK!!!!

Next up..Rubbin' Scrubbin' Bubbles! A glove for your hand to get up close and personal with your toilet.

Gary said...

Don't they also sell something called "Tuna Helper"?

As far the labels go, when you have to have coffee cups that say "contents may be hot" on them, nothing is too hard to believe.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha... the comments today are almost as funny as the entry itself.