Saturday, November 27, 2004

Table Scraps

Merry Christmas to all and to wait. Not yet.

The mashed potatoes and stuffing may be gone, but it's time to talk turkey. How was my big holiday weekend? Well most of it was just faboo Pumpkin Pie, although into each life a little MPF must fall. Here's the weekend tally:

1. Broadband, baby
GreenTuna Rating: Pumpkin Pie
Heaven. I'm in heaven. Why didn't I do this earlier? Bessie is screaming fast. 15-Meg download? Sure, I have ... 45 seconds to spare! Hoo Boy! Very nice.

2. Microsoft Office Support
GreenTuna Rating: MPF
With the good comes the bad. With new hardware comes the unpleasant news that Microsoft Office just didn't want to be authentic and legal, even though it is. IT IS, I TELL YOU. As I had the pleasure to speak to a multitude of outsourced geeks whose favorite game seemed to be "let's give the exact opposite directions from the last tech support guy and then we can go ride elephants all afternoon" I contemplated heinous acts accompanied by a slightly demented "It's a Small World Afterall" soundtrack. Dear Bill Gates: I am not brimming with confidence as they read the 457 alpha-numeric code for my product, saying, "D as in David. Wee as in Wictor...."

3. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Pre-Parade Broadway Extravaganza
GreenTuna Rating: Draw
So the whole first part of the parade is ... not parade. It's an hour-long advertisement for Broadway shows. This year we learned through offerings like a musical built around Elvis tunes, Broadway continues its free-fall to mediocrity. Biggest surprise would be a singing and tap-dancing Brooke Shields, who is currently starring in the revival of Leonard Bernstein's "Wonderful Town." Still in all, the offering was better than the Podunk Marching Band playing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."

4. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
GreenTuna Rating: Pumpkin Pie with Snarking on Top

The Monday Night Football Cheerleaders with Joe Namath.

Fully clothed, FCC-approved, not a cleavage was stirring, and Namath was no souse.

The Statue of Liberty Float
Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. I saw this thing at the end of Planet of the Apes. Where was Charleton Heston and his horse?

Uncle! Uncle!
Did anybody think it might be odd, humorous or a tad bit insensitive to have the Uncle Sam balloon immediately followed by a Monopoly Uncle Moneybags balloon?

Milli Vanilli -- on in two
Of course there was lip synching aplenty during the parade. Some seemed less than comfortable with the prospect, while others were more than happy to go with the flow. I think all those Olympic Athletes who stood on the float with (American Idol's) Fantasia could have at least pretended to be a gospel choir. Although Nancy Kerrigan wasn't there to say, "I hate this. This is stupid," I bet everybody else was thinking it anyway.

GreenTuna Rating: Zzzzzzzzzzzz
No way, Jose. Not in a box. Not with a fox. Not in a house. Not with a mouse.

GreenTuna Rating: !*^#$%!!@# MPF
This is a sign of true desperation. Target aired commercials on Thursday touting a wake-up call service on Friday morning. Go online. Input the information, and voila! Wake-up calls. No kidding. What's next? Large busses coming by to drag you to the store?

When I finished picking my mouth up off the floor, and then laughing hysterically, I relayed my incredulousness over this consumer "innovation" to GramTuna. Her response? I wonder whose names we could put down??
GreenTuna Rating Revision: PUMPKIN PIE, BABY!

6. Turkey Dinner with the Family
GreenTuna Rating: PUMPKIN PIE
Dogs: 2

Petey, the new dog.

Cats: 2
Bunnies - Adult: 6
Bunnies - Baby: 6
Tuna Clan: 11

Turkey, Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes, Sun-Dried Tomato Dip, Butternut Squash Soup with Apple-Cider Cream, Brussel Sprouts, Sweet Potatoes, Corn, Noodles, Baked Beets Cajun Style, Green Jello (oh yeah), Red Cranberry Jello with twigs and acorns (not so much), cranberry sauce perfectly shaped like the cans from which they emerged (served late because we forgot, but hey, there was still room), Two Pumpkin Pies (pah!) with Whip Cream, and one nasty Mince Pie : complete with face.

The. Face.

7. Turkey Dinner with all that PLUS a newest Tuna on the Way
Priceless. Congrats to BabyBrother Tuna and IzuTuna!

Oh, and he doesn't like Mince Pie, either.


Mensch71 said...

You should sell your rating system to the MPAA. I'd like to give today's Swearing-At Ceremony a "Pumpkin Pie" and certain portions of the social gathering an "MPF". *snerk* Miss you already...

grace said...

I *heart* Gram Tuna! And Petey! And new Tuna clan baby! (but, not Mince Pie)
I'm glad you had a nice holiday, (and a wonderful-sounding meal!)

lifeonhold said...

Yippee, I was right about the broadband 'clue' in an earlier post.

Love the ratings and GramTuna's wicked humor.