Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Are You Being Served?

An Open Letter to the Idiot who was in front of
me this morning at the Drive Through Window

Hey You! That's right, you.

This morning you were awarded an F in etiquette by the 57 people behind you at the drive through window. I'm here to help you better yourself by pointing out -- in front everybody here who wasn't raised by wolves and already knows better -- your many mistakes and how to fix them.

Rule Number 1 -- OPEN THE WINDOW
Yes, yes, it was cold. But you know what? You live in Michigan and it's winter, so tough beans, bucko. You're at a drive through WINDOW. This implies you must somehow USE your window. It's not rocket science, but maybe you still don't understand that your window must be ROLLED DOWN so you can communicate with the Oracle. So please, open the blasted thing so everybody knows you are at attention and ready to proceed. If your windows are frozen shut you may perform the alternate maneuver: open the car door and yell.

Rule Number 2 -- SHAVE AT HOME
I have no words, here. At first I thought you were an obsessive-compulsive who stroked his beard 30 bazillion times a day while you murmured, "Precious. My precious..." But then I realized no. NO. You were shaving! Perhaps this explains the closed car window. Maybe you actually felt a little embarrassed. But evidently not embarrassed enough to STOP. Honestly, I don't care what your story is -- just stop it. And yes, I can hear you already pulling out the 8-year old's last defense: but everybody else does it. Maybe so, but too bad. I don't care if you do it, just don't do it at the drive through window when you're in front of me. It's gross and vile. And gross.

Now, I understand there are times when we have all been at the head of the line, waiting waiting waiting for the Oracle to welcome us to fast food hell. When you are at the head of the class and the Oracle will not speak, you need to employ several visual clues to let the rest of us know that the delay is not your fault. Examples include:


2. Lay your head out of the car as if you're about to faint. The shipwrecked sailor pose with head hanging out and arms akimbo works well, too. If the rest of the line sees that you are suffering, we'll most likely leave you alone.

3. Occasionally look at the cars behind you as if to say, "You can see that I'm here, right? And see? I'm frustrated too. I'm ready and willing to order just as soon as the Oracle awakens from its slumber."

Rule Number 4 -- TAKE CHARGE
Look, the disembodied oracle is not exactly a burning bush. If you have waited an appropriate amount of time, just start talking to it. LOUDLY. Say anything to get its attention. If nothing happens, take matters into your own hands. Drive to the next window and start yelling at somebody. The people behind you will thank you. And they might, just might, forgive the shaving incident.

Shyeah, right.


Unknown said...

ewwwwww, that is just gross & nasty! I'm glad I already ate!

TVJ said...

That is just so wrong, on so many levels.

Ghost of Goldwater said...

Hilarious! Hope it's ok that I link to you in my "random bloggers" list.

Lulu said...

On behalf of those of us who have waited in line at a drive-thru window behind such oblivious assholes, I would just like to thank you for publishing proper drive-thru etiquette.

Next, could you tackle the painstakingly difficult task of WAITING ON LINE without infringing on the personal space of the customer in front of you? Also, can you get people off their cell phones before getting to the cash register?

Great! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Man, I hate people.

Can I add my own here?

Dear H&M Shopper,

Our store is not your personal garbage can. If you're going to EAT sunflower seeds while shopping, please bring a small bag with you to throw the shells in when you're finished. Do not leave the chewed-up hulls ON MY DISPLAY COUNTER. WITH THE CLOTHES. You asshole.


lifeonhold said...

Oracle! Hahahahaha

Great rant, Tuna!