I have just survived another "family" afternoon Christmas Eve church service. At least, I think there was a service. Luckily, I'm already familiar with the story, so when all I could hear were fierce whispers of STOP IT NOW OR SO HELP ME.. I knew it wasn't the Angel Gabriel's other message.
Part of the family afternoon Christmas Eve church service involves bringing a gift to lay in the manger. Past years have found me running frantically through a grocery store yelling BABY JESUS NEEDS DIAPERS NOW! This, of course, happens because I tend to forget to put Baby Jesus on my shopping list -- which pretty much makes me the headliner for the naughty column. Once I tried in vain to find something appropriate at home, but sadly, TinyTuna was long past the diaper stage, and if I grabbed one of her memories, she would have had an unholy fit in front of Mary and Joseph and the rest of the crew. One year though, I struck gold (biblically speaking). I found in my basement a perfectly new -- still wrapped in cellophane -- inflatable beach ball.
Oh yes, I thought about it. I really did.
But I figured that maybe Baby Jesus didn't want a beach ball, which meant I had to go to the still-open grocery store of desperation yelling DIAPERS. Which I did indeed buy, and I gave them to the Baby Jesus. And he liked them.
This year, I'm proud to announce that I REMEMBERED to buy Baby Jesus a present. I got diapers at the grocery store of slightly less desperation because it was before noon on Christmas Eve. After the diaper victory I had to get beer, cologne and pepper spray because, well...I can't tell you why because it's super secret Santa stuff and no secrets can be revealed. Yet.
And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I got so busy and scattered and frantic that I grabbed the wrong bag. You're thinking I forgot the diapers and had to give Baby Jesus a Bud Light and some Pepper Spray. Admit it. That's what you're thinking, right?
Nah, Baby Jesus got the diapers right on cue. But considering how stinky that stable must have been, maybe a little Brut Aftershave would have been nice.