Thursday, February 03, 2005

TunaHouse 2000

I was somewhat amused to hear that PBS is accepting applications for its next installment of historical reality TV: Texas Ranch House. Like its predecessors, Frontier House and Colonial House, the object is to pick a specific time and location in American history and plop a bunch of people on location for a pre-determined amount of time to see how they survive, living like their ancestors did in the olden days.

If you cannot read between the lines, what this really means is, proving to the entire world that nowadays, practically nobody would have a snowballs' chance of surviving anything that required hard work, manual labor, corsets, and a distinct lack of indoor plumbing.

Texas Ranch House has set the wayback machine to Texas (duh) in the year 1867. Summer camp fun will include all manners of Yee-Haw Wild Western fun, such as livestock branding, corral building, stallion training and a two-week cattle drive.

Didn't they already do this show?

No matter. I'll probably watch because it's PBS. And if it's PBS -- even if it's reality TV -- it's EDUCATIONAL. So there. Nyah.

But I got to thinking. Forget Texas and cattle and the open plains. Forget pilgrims and the colonies. Forget the Montana Territory and that cheater rich family that sold goods to passing motorists, listened to the radio, brought in a hand-designed Whiskey still and was caught with a box spring in their bed that they snuck in from a local dump. What if I -- GreenTuna -- developed my own historical reenactment series to pitch to the PBS crowd?

TunaHouse 2000

In TunaHouse 2000, contestants will travel back in time to a coupld years ago and assume the lifestyle of a middle class (optimistically speaking, at least once every two weeks on payday for about 15 minutes) working mother of one. Prior to the start of this great social experiment, Contestants Suckers Historical reenactors will spend several weeks in rigorous training. Topics will include:

Road Training
1. Road Basics 101: Car Killing Potholes
2. Road Basics 102: Orange Construction Barrels
3. Road Basics 103: Driving the Lodge, or, 85 is the new 70.
4. Traffic 101 -- Freshman Move-In Day. Yes, they are insignificant, but it's still a violation to hit them.
5. Traffic 201 -- Home Football Games: 1001 lies to get past the barricades.
6. Traffic 395 -- The Red Cedar River: This Flood's For You!
7. Traffic 999 -- Riot U: How to avoid pepper spray, mounted police, flaming couches, and seeing your car burn on the 11:00 news.

Family Life
1. Ballet, Tap, Jazz, Choir, Church, Play, Swim Lessons and Concerts -- or -- Gas up the car; you won't be home until a week from Friday.
2. Who cares about 911? Speed-dialing was made for Pizza delivery.
3. The Wisdom of Solomon: You're broke and you must choose three pieces of crap to buy. Which do you hate the least? Wrapping paper, popcorn, chocolate turtles, candles, candy bars, cookies, cookie dough, books, gift certificates, *insert your activity here*-a-thon pledges...
4. Television and the Family: 101 ways to just say NO to The Cartoon Network and bad animation.

1. Fractions.
2. Homophones.
3. The Cheetah Girls
4. Deciphering illegible 79th generation photocopied pages of homework
5. States and Capitals
6. Hilary Duff and the coolness you cannot see

Kitchen/Cooking Skills
1. It's 11:45 PM -- Time to make the cupcakes!
2. You are a gourmet cook and all they want is macaroni and cheese.
3. How many spoons are left before you have to buy more?
4. Homemade Pharmaceuticals -- The cure for deadly diseases is growing in your refrigerator.

Special Seminars
1. Mitten Lore: Pasties, Mighty Mac, Dey-Twah, That other school which is so clearly inferior to all others, Sparty, Izzone, Yoopers, The Locks, The Fort, The Porch.
2. Mitten Geography: Right hand with thumb mandatory, Left hand optional.
3. Blame Canada: Your neighbor to the south.
4. Queen Coins: Canadian works here, but for the sake of all that is holy, don't take them to Virginia.
5. The Midwest Twang: You can walk the walk, but can you talk the talk?

Instead of a diary room, all venting will be done blog-style. This means you must vent with proper grammar, flow of phrase and within the parameters of Blogger, which will eat your post in its entirety, and without warning.

Winners Losers Participants who successfully serve complete their term at the TunaHouse will receive a small stipend, a lifetime supply of matching socks, a get out of jail free card, and a lovely series wrap party at the local asylum, where inmates TunaHouse 2000 graduates will party like it's 1999.

Applications must be accompanied by a $1000 non-refundable processing fee.
TinyTuna has to go to college, you know.


lifeonhold said...

Can I bring Honey?

bozoette said...

Ha! I'll win, hands down. I'll add another item in Family Life:

*Just when you think you've gotten all the bills paid, you open your spouse's American Express statement.*

Dawnie said...

Here is where I out myself as a freak by confessing that I use my left hand for the mitten map. Don't know why. Always done it that way, always will, always been mocked by my family for it.

What can I say? I think the back of my hand makes a prettier map surface than the front. Or, um, something.

Jay Ann Cox, PhD said...

As the channel-surfing Wonder Boy jets between Cartoon Network, ToonDisney (a name which I swear was made up by someone at Disney named SanDeE*), and Nickelodeon, I beg of you Oh Great and Powerful Tuna, how do you get her to turn. it. off.!?!? He has figured out how to plug the thing back in, he knows more than I do about reprogramming the TV, and he's well on his way to hacking into the cable box at the street to get free ....

um, never mind. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Mensch71 said...

Hey, if I'm already a "squatter", do I have to apply for TunaHouse?