Sunday, December 02, 2007
Have you heard of this disease? I think I may have discovered it. Luckily I don't have it, although I am inflicted with it on a weekly basis. Although it's neither infectious nor deadly, it does contain a high level of irritants that seem to be impossible to eliminate.
Traditionally, ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) refers to those who have difficulty staying on task and paying attention to other people. However, those displaying symptoms of ADD-Tourette's have difficulty when people do not pay attention to THEM, and attempt to change this by spouting out inappropriate, private, and plain old unwanted pieces of information. This is accomplished by listening to the conversations of others and pouncing on a single word which serves as the pivot point for the incoming TMI bomb. It goes something like this:
Person #1: Last night we watched TV and finished up the cake.
Person #2: Was it good?
Person #1: The TV or the cake?
Person #2: The cake.
ADD-Tourette's: I LOVE CAKE.
ADD-Tourette's: I HAVE IT FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
ADD-Tourette's: MY BIRTHDAY WAS IN MARCH
ADD-Tourette's: I'M COMING UP ON BEING OLD.
Person #1: We're all "coming up" on being old.
ADD-Tourette's: BUT I'M NOT EVEN MENOPAUSAL
Person #1: !!
ADD-Tourette's: MY MOM WASN'T MENOPAUSAL AT MY AGE
Person #2: !?!!?#*!
Persons who suffer from ADD-Tourette's are unaware of the disease and the irritants they spread. They compulsively share far-too-private or far-too-trivial nuggets of information about family members, medical issues, marriages, past relationships, pet poop, cell-phone plans and what they did back in college 30 years ago.
ADD-Tourette's can cause heart attack, stroke, coma or deafness. If none of those work, feign a stove burner left on at home as a final recourse. However, the best plan of action is to find another sufferer of the disease and let the two of them have it. They'll talk for hours and you'll be free from hearing the details of the visit to the Gastroenterologist. If you're very lucky, not only will you gain a bit of peace and quiet, you might also get a piece of cake.