Monday, February 16, 2004


Fill in the blank with the most appropriate response:

Question 1

Puppy : Dog :: Kitten : _____________________

Analogy tests measure the ability to determine the relationship between words. In my muddled Monday memory, I recall doing all right at these types of questions, but thinking they were a real pain. Analogies are word pairs, and the trick is to figure out how the words are related. They could be synonyms, antonyms, descriptive, part to whole or item in a category.

Going back to the example above, the correct answer would be “Cat”. Got it? Excellent.

Let’s try another one.

Question 2

St. Nick and Santa: Christmas :: George and Abe : _____________________.

What do you think? Did you answer President’s Day? Excellent! Let’s go for the gold!

Question 3

Valentines Day : Candy and Roses :: President’s Day : ____________________________.

Ah, Grasshopper, I see confusion creeping across your brow. For all you who answered love seats and La-z-Boy Recliners, give yourself a big President’s Day pat on your back. Actually, if you listed any pair of commercial items (sheets and pillowcases, TVs and VCRs, tires and tune-ups) you’re also right.

So, when did the Father of our Country start shilling for warehouse department stores?

Alas, my boyfriend doesn’t know the answer either, but like Groundhogs like winter, I am certain that come the second week in February I will see some guy with an axe and a bad powdered wig getup start yelling on my TV that he’s going to stop CHOPPIN’ and start SHOPPIN’ !!! Get It?? Not Chopping! Shopping! HaHaHaHaHa.

You know, that ad wasn’t funny when they first ran it in 1979, and it’s still not funny today.

But alas, this is what we’re stuck with. Once again, old George (old, old, old George, not alphabet's H. or W.) is crossing the Delaware back and forth, morning, noon, and evening trying to convince me to buy a new 7-piece Oak Bedroom group for the low, low price of $799. George must be tired -- first he fathered the country, and now he's trying to move inventory in the middle of winter. But, if he is one of the first 200 visitors, he can have a free Hostess Cherry Pie.

I kid you not. One store is luring in its customers with Hostess Fruit Pies. That’s the “big pull.” Now, I’ve heard of Siren Songs, but when it comes to gas station snack foods, I think we’re talking ambulances here, and not seductive women.

Question 4

Regular weekend : two :: President’s Day Weekend : ___________________________

Your answer to the above may vary:

If you work for the Government, the Postal Service, Area Banks and anyplace that has a love and respect for old dead politicians

Answer: Three.

If you are Canadian

Answer: Eh?

If you are French-Canadian

Answer: Quoi?

If you work for State Universities, Retail Stores, Restaurants or the Hostess Fruit Pie Company

Answer: HAHAHAHAHAHA – Day off? That's a funny one...

If you attend public schools

Answer: Anywhere between three and seven.

That’s right. TinyTuna is in the midst of enjoying her 5-day President’s Day Weekend. My only solace, as sad and pathetic as this sounds, is that it’s only five days and not a full week. In fact, it’s no longer called President’s Day, it’s now known as Mid-Winter Break. I don’t know why they changed the name, because one makes as little sense as the other. It’s just as much of an oxymoron to call it President’s Day, when it’s really President’s lots-of-days as it is to call it Mid-Winter Break when they just got back into school five weeks ago from having two weeks off at Christmas.

What on earth could they breaking from?

So for those of you who are enjoying your Presidential day off, I hope you are enjoying your Presidential Pie while you await delivery on your Mediterranean style end tables. I’d love to join you, but I can’t go shopin -- I’m too busy with Chopin. Not to mention Mozart, Bach and Brahms.

Do you get it? Not Shopin! Chopin! HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa

Nope, still not funny.

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