AND THE TUNA GOES TO....

I worked in the movie industry for nearly a decade and during that time I learned a great many secrets from the motion picture trade. Yes, ok, I worked in a movie theatre and not a movie studio, but you tell me which is more valuable: how to make yourself cry on cue, or how to damage out a box of Milk Duds when you're starving and have no money for dinner?



As the years went on, and I joined the ranks of management, The Academy Awards became a big night in the theatre biz. Because we sold the tickets, popped the corn, damaged out an occasional box of Milk Duds and saw the first five and last minutes of every movie shown, we felt as if we had a real IN in the business. You wanted to know who would win? We'd tell you with narrowed eyes and a slight nod that meant we just knew. It was like osmosis or breathing the midnight movie air -- we had the inside track, baby. Just ask us.



For several years we'd receive an information packet from an LA company entitled "Handicapping the Oscars". We'd fight over it and study it like the bible. It had all sorts of statistics as it demonstrated the importance between winning Oscars with winning The Golden Globes, The SAG awards, The Directors Guild awards and the latest PowerBall drawing as it related to the latest phase of the moon.



So today, I share with you, kind readers, the 76th Annual Academy Awards.

Caution -- spoilers ahead. You have been warned.



Actress -- Supporting

Following an opening montage in which we all give thanks to the Popcorn Gods that Billy Crystal is hosting the show and not David Letterman, they always start out with a BIG category, which, coincidentally, will be the only category reported in the print media tomorrow. The one statistic I remember about the Best Supporting Actress Category is that it tends to go to a first-time winner. More often than not it is an unknown who nabs the Oscar and then is sucked into the VH1 "Where are they Now" black hole (see: Anna Pacquin and Marissa Tomei). Obscurity would claim Shohreh Aghdashloo from "House of Sand and Fog" as its Queen, but the Oscar will go to Renee Zellweger, because she is packing a rifle, not to mention twenty extra pounds.



Costume Design

Costume design is important. Without costume design you have costume malfunction, and we all know where that leads, right? Among the losers tonight will be the horse movie (Jockey Silks -- how tough can they be?), The historical Naval Drama (wet uniforms -- not so appealing), Lord Of the Very Long Cloaks, The Last Samurai and Girl with a Pearl Earring. The Oscar will go to "Earring" since pearls go with everything.



Documentary Feature

"The Fog of War" is up against "The Weather Underground". Never trust a weatherman, I always say. Fog wins.



Documentary Short

The choices here are "Asylum", "Chernobyl Heart" and "Ferry Tales". The after-effects of this nuclear disaster is Oscar gold.



Sound Editing

Three nautical tales have their eyes on the prize. Or in this case, their fins on the wins. Ahem. Nemo, Master and Commander or Pirates of the Caribbean. I just can't award an Oscar to a Disney themepark ride. Master and Commander takes all.



Sound Mixing

Samurai, Rings, Master, Pirates and Seabiscuit. Because "Seabiscuit" starts with "Sea" and therefore qualified as a nautical tale (Sea Horses, anyone?), the Biscuit wins by a nose.



Visual Effects

Rings, Master and Pirates again. Flip a three-sided coin and give it to Lord. Tell 'em Frodo sent you.



Short Film -- Animated

Your choices today are:

1. Boundin' (A woolly lamb is sheared and falls into a deep funk, until the mythical Jackalope sets him straight)

2. Destino (Shifting dream-like images convey Salvador Dali's surreal story of love and destiny)

3. Gone Nutty (Scrat crams one final nut into the center of his gigantic stash...and the result is cataclysmic)

4. Harvie Krumpet (Harvie Krumpet is an ordinary man whose lifelong string of bad luck is offset by occasional episodes of joy)

5. Nibbles (A father takes his sons fishing in the forests of Canada...with a few stops along the way)



I'm eliminating Salvador Dali and Harvie Krumpet out of hand. From the insane to the inane, Oscar won't care. But then we have a lamb, a prehistoric squirrel and a fish. Tough one to call here, but the fish will be rewarded later (Sorry Canada!), and a sheared lamb won't cut it. I'm going for the Squirrel -- Scat is the preincarnation of Wile E. Coyote.



Short Film -- Live Action

The winner here is "(A) Torzija" ((A) Torsion) -- It has a choir and a cow, so what's not to love?



Makeup

Pirates of the Caribbean. Because Pirates am cool and eyepatchy and stuff.



Animated Feature

Brother Bear, The Triplets of Belleville or Finding Nemo? Go FISH!



Art Direction

Art Direction should go to a movie about art right? Put a Pearl Earring on that Oscar.



Foreign Language Film

Zelary (Czech Republic). It's a World War II film, which is often means Oscar. Sorry Canada, better luck next year.



Screenplay -- Adapted

Mystic River. (See Aquatic theme above)



Screenplay -- Original

As much as I'd love to give it to Nemo (swimming swimming swimming swimming!), I'm going to reluctantly give the Oscar to Lost in Translation, a movie that cured my insomnia, but was written and directed by the first American female director nominee, Sophia Coppola. She won't win director, but she will be rewarded here.



Original Score

Guess I'll go with Lord of the Rings, since Howard Shore won the Oscar in 2001 for Fellowship of the Rings. How different can the music be this time around? Of course, if Danny Elfman won, I'd be immeasurably happy. The composer of The Simpsons, Batman and Nightmare before Christmas is always Oscar-worthy.



Original Song

"Into the West" from Lord of the Rings. Why? Two Words: Annie Lennox.



Film Editing

Rings. Epics are a pain.



Cinematography

Master and Commander. Shoot a movie and not get seasick? That deserves a statue.



Actor -- Supporting

Tim Robbins for Mystic River. He's got the power of SAG and Golden Globes. History shows that he'll most likely also receive The Michael Moore award for the 76th Annual Academy Award.



Actor -- Leading

I absolutely cannot give this to Johnny Depp. He's a pirate. TinyTuna does a credible pirate too, and she doesn't have any awards (yet). This one is going to Sean Penn for Mystic River.



Actress -- Leading

Something's Gotta Give, and so sorry Diane Keaton, it's going to be you. The Oscar goes to Charlize Theron.



Directing and Best Picture

Give it up to Peter Jackson and The Lord of the Rings. Put the trilogy together, and you have about twenty four hours of butt-numbing fantasy-filled excitement. Let's just hope this trilogy doesn't fall prey to the Star Wars sickness where three good films were rewarded with two horrid prequels.



So, those are the predictions. Feel free to copy them and pass them out to your friends. Or dash over to the Oscar site and fill out your own ballet. Just keep in mind I've seen exactly 3 1/2 of all nominated films: Brother Bear, Finding Nemo and half of Lost in Translation. That might make a teensy bit of difference. Then again, maybe not.

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