Monday, February 02, 2004


I'm insulted.

Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, CBS and MTV, you know I’m talking about you. The half time show for Super Bowl XXXVIII was, without question, the worst waste of twelve minutes I’ve ever suffered through. I’ve had gynecological exams that were more enjoyable than this mess.

To be fair, some of this I was expecting. With a “talent” lineup consisting of Jessica Simpson, Janet Jackson, P. Diddy, Nelly and Kid Rock, my expectations could never be described as being particularly lofty. Though, I must admit the homage to Toni Basil surpassed my great expectations of suckitude.

Oh Diddy, you’re so fine,

You’re so fine you blow my mind,

hey Diddy! Hey Diddy!

Oh Nelly, you’re so fine,

You’re so fine you blow my mind,

Hey Nelly! Hey Nelly!

TinyTuna’s comment regarding the beginning of Janet Jackson’s entrance was boiled down to a succinct “she should have put her hair up, because it’s covering her face.” After that pronouncement she left the room, for which I was later very grateful.

As Kid Rock finished his portion of the torture -- and a debate raged in my house as to which was more offensive, his American Flag Shirt or his aural assault (I was in Camp the second) -- the BIG SURPRISE ACT appeared on stage with Janet Jackson to close out the show. It was Justin Timberlake.

(In case you’re wondering, our boy Justin merits neither a caps lock nor leaned over salute. In fact if he were here, the most he’d get is a whack upside the head for being an idiot.)

I’m sure somewhere; someone was thrilled at this performing train wreck. The assembled few in my house didn’t miss a beat – Kid Rock gone, Janet and Justin up next? We were good to go. Let the insults fly and pass the dip. At the moment when IT happened, I practically did a Scooby “HUH??” And said, “Did I just see what I think I saw?”

Despite the fact that Justin Timberlake ripped off half of Janet Jackson’s bodice and flashed the world, this is not why I’m insulted. Was it was stupid, unnecessary and inappropriate? Yes, yes, yes and well, DUH.

Any reasonably intelligent child knows that to get away with something outrageous, you need an equally outrageous excuse, but it must be just credible enough to pass scrutiny. Justin, Janet, CBS and MTV have a long way to go to reach the level of a reasonably intelligent child. Or even a somewhat stupid child. Because the finger pointing and excuses are beyond unbelievable.

The Drudge Report has begun compiling the list of excuses from the various parties involved.

MTV, the producer of this halftime spectacular, claimed before the show

"I don't think the Super Bowl has ever seen a performance like this…the dancing is great. She's more stylized, she's more feminine, and she’s more a woman as she dances this time around. There are some shocking moments in there too. It's a lot of pressure, there's so many creative people and creative artists, you want to make sure everything is different, and I think she's going to do that.”

MTV, the producer of this halftime craptacular, claimed after the show

"The tearing of Janet Jackson's costume was unrehearsed, unplanned, completely unintentional and was inconsistent with assurances we had about the content of the performance. MTV regrets this incident occurred and we apologize to anyone who was offended by it."

CBS, the Super Bowl network was frantically backpedaling to China

"CBS deeply regrets the incident that occurred during the Super Bowl halftime show," the network said in a release. "We attended all rehearsals throughout the week and there was no indication that any such thing would happen. The moment did not conform to CBS broadcast standards and we would like to apologize to anyone who was offended."

And yet, there are reports that CBS knew and approved of the show.

The NFL issued its own denials, saying, "We were extremely disappointed by elements of the MTV-produced Halftime show. They were totally inconsistent with assurances our office was given about the show. It's unlikely that MTV will produce another Super Bowl halftime."

Justin Timberlake called it a “wardrobe malfunction.”

Janet Jackson has not personally issued a statement, but her reps told MTV that she “apologizes for the incident.”

Why am I insulted? I am insulted that any of these nitwits think that I am this stupid to buy any of this nonsense. I didn't buy O.J.'s defense, I didn't buy Clinton's excuse, I didn't buy W's argument and I don't buy this either. People, I'm not that dumb.

CBS? You were in hot water over an ad you refused to air. Super Bowl XXXVIII ads were lame at best. This stunt earned you some press, and you hope to capitalize.

MTV? You are the producer. You live by the mess and die by the mess. With all the half-dressed (and that’s being generous) women you parade on your network day in and day out, I don’t think you’d recognize appropriate content if it beat you over the head with a Bender Guitar.

NFL? I can only guess that if the halftime show featured a sloshed Joe Namath, you would like it a little better.

Justin? Worst Excuse Ever. My only guess is that you thought this was somehow more plausible than "my dog ate my homework", "my granny died", or "I was dead at the time". Leave the stupidity to Britney. She's good at it.

Janet? Hope you’re happy. It’s tough getting attention when you are the youngest of nine children. It’s especially tough these days when other siblings are hogging the spotlight. You may beat Michael for a day or two on the publicity train, but when the ride is over, I’m sad to say you’ll be sitting next to LaToya on the nutcase express. I suppose it’s only right that your reps apologized for “the incident”, but I have to believe that you wouldn’t decorate the tree if you didn’t plan on putting it on display.

Sign My Guestbook!

No comments: