Friday, December 05, 2003


To: Uber-Auntie Tuna

From: Your Evil Twin

Re: Ahem

Item 1 - Pork

Let it be known that Country Ribs are Pork. Pork Ribs. Yummy, Yummy Ribs. Let it also be known that Bubba's is the king of all that is pork, and thou shouldst never besmirch his name, even though we all know "Bubba Dead".

Item 2 - Touching Food

If you're talking about me, I'm going to come over and beat you up. If not, then never mind. But in my defense, it isn't that ALL foods cannot touch. But lets face it -- who wants to eat a roll that has been sogged by peach juice? I do not like it Sam-I-Am. To this day I am haunted by the nightmare of the childhood dinner of Hot Dogs, Applesauce and Baked Beans. There was enough toxic juice on that plate to resurrect that dog back into lips and hooves. Is it too much to ask that cold drippy stuff remain with cold drippy stuff, warm drippy stuff remain with warm drippy stuff, and all bread products rest on dry ground? I think not. And please remember I am not totally inflexible -- certain dishes like Curry are meant to be mixed together in a Tower-of-Babelicious kind of way.

Item 3 - Ewwww Factor

I'm glad to hear you're so open-minded. I'll be sure to save you a nice big plate of "Special Beef" next time we have it. But truthfully, the easiest way around the Ewwww factor? Lie like Johnny Foulplay (No, don't serve Dead Grandma). Everything in our house is "special beef", "excellent beef", "roast beef" or "yummy beef", and it works every time. My favorite food lie in the Tuna House? Four-year old nephew Tuna being told that yams were giant carrots. Even better? He believed it.

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