Saturday, December 27, 2003

GreenTuna here, reporting in from Alexandria, Virginia. Or maybe Arlington, Virginia. I honestly don't remember, because everytime my little brother moves across the street he changes city. Really. But I do think it's Alexandria, in case anybody is frantic for details. I'm typing on a laptop with a wireless connection. Wireless? Super cool! Laptop? Tiny keys mean I have to be really careful. Plus I have no real clue about the alleged mouse movement with the big red dot in the middle, so I'm constantly hitting twenty keys trying to scroll down the page. And then there are all the Japanese characters....

And yet, I'm dying for a laptop. Someday. Hopefully sooner than later, because this typing on my lap in an easy chair? Super smooth, man.

Anyway. We are here. In Virginia. As we crossed the border, I heard several brain cells spontaneously combust and I started saying "y'all" and "ain't" alot. I swear. The trip out here, do I say this? SUCKED. Sucked wind. Sucked giant enormous gas. Sucked. Bit. Blew. It was awful, and then some.

Good parts included dry roads. It was sunny which was better than snowy or rainy, but worse than cloudy, which is the best driving weather of all. I decided not to complain about the sun. It was freaking freezing as we left the mitten state. Ohio was Ohio. Nothing to tell. Still flat. No offense please, my geographical neighbors. Cedar Point still makes Ohio one pretty sweet place, so it isn't all that bad. Plus a few of y'all actually live there, so I won't be too harsh. We made good time in Ohio. No complaints.

Pennsylvania. The first thing I miss about Pennsylvania are the signs. First you would have the big splashy "Welcome to Pennsylvania" sign. Then, ten feet later would be this enormous black and white sign with a big finger pointing at you. The sign proceded to threaten you, listing how much you would have to pay for driving infractions. Welcome to Pennsylvania! Piss us off? Fifty bucks. Drive two miles over the speed limit? ninety bucks. Piss us off AND drive two miles over the speed limit? Forget it pal, you're going to the clink. Oh, and thanks for visiting. We always cracked up at those signs. Unfortunately, the Pennsylvania congeniality committee must have had them removed. It's kind of a bummer.

Anyway. Pennsylvania is usually a big plus to drive because you have mountains. Which is a pleasant change of pace after two and a half hours of airplane landing strips. Hooray! A Hill! So we're driving driving driving and then. Then. A flashing sign says the turnpike is closed from New Stanton all the way until Breezewood. Traffic will be rerouted. Well, ok. What are you going to do? Well, what you're going to do is SIT on the turnpike for the next 2.5 hours to travel 3 miles to exit. Oh man. I don't have words. But I do have words for those people who decided to pass on the right shoulder while the rest of us sat there and waited our turn. Hell is all warmed up for you folks. Enjoy yourselves. Middle finger up.

We finally get off the turnpike and drive for about five minutes until we hit the town of Bursting Bladderville. Because I also chose not to get up close and personal with the flora and fauna along the turnpike, I was damn near ready to explode. We raced into the closest McDonalds and YEEESH! It was so cold in that bathroom, levitation was required. I thought I was in the UP of the Mitten. Brrrrrrrrrrrr......

We grabbed some food and continued on our detour filled way. Now we are driving on Highway 40, followed by Highway 68 which are very old scenic highways. Not so scenic in the dark, I'm afraid, but I imagined it would be quite a beautiful drive if you could see anything. The mountain road was incredibly steep and curvy, and we were usually stuck behind a truck who was alternating ripping his engine to shreds or burning rubber. Mmmmmm fun.

Two best signs along the road:


The gift of road salt was mildly humorous, but I really cracked up over the Polish Mountain sign. Upon repeating the sign to GramTuna, I said "It would have been funnier if it said negative 1246 feet. Har de Har Har.

Ok, maybe not so funny, but I'd been in the car one heck of a long time.

Aside from that, the day was uneventful as it could be. We made it safely to our first destination. Tomorrow, we will be travelling to Prince Frederick, Maryland, for a Christmas gathering of sorts. Let's hope there aren't any more delays.

Signing off before this electronic beasties fizzles out and takes my post with it.

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