Monday, October 27, 2003

THE BIG GAME
Next on the countdown parade (I feel like freaking Casey Kasem) is The Big Game (Notice my exquisite use of "leaned down" letters). The Big Game is this Saturday afternoon right here in TunaVille. The Big Game for all Tunavillans concerned, is the annual match up between TunaVille State University and the University of God-We-Hate-Those-Non-TunaVille People-Down-The-Road-You-Know-Who-You-Are-Maize-and-Bluesians. It's a classic. Every year there is so much build up and hype, that by the time you make it to game day, the people that never cared to begin with still don't care and are sick of hearing about it, while the people that eat, live and breathe the mitten country rivalry are already so wasted, they don't mind hearing about it ad nauseum, because, well they are already nauseum themselves and have forgotten everything previously uttered.

So. The Big Game. I suppose instead of being "leaned down", the Big Game should be in CAPS LOCKS. Because it is a CAPS LOCK kind of event. With lots of exclamation points !!!!!!!!!!!!!! The first question, as we approach the BIG GAME !!! is, is it a home or away game? What this question really means (for those of us who live in TunaVille all twelve months of the year) is, "Are the idiots all going to be here, or are they all going to be there?" Because, if the idiots are all going to be there, it is less of a concern. Notice - less. Not none. "There" is close enough that many idiots actually GO there, and perform their idiocy there, where idiocy is harder to identify, because they're all a bunch of hippies. And hippies suck (tm Cartman). Well, a lot of them are hippies. Don't believe me? Read on, McDuff.

Another way you know it is the countdown to the BIG GAME !!!! is the appearance of lounge chairs, coolers, blankets and fools. The fools are a part of "Sparty Watch", which lasts the entire week before the BIG GAME !!! Each fool, or team of fools, takes a turn sitting outside in the middle of an intersection on Campus, guarding a statue. Yep. A statue. A ceramic statue. So in essence, they are spending a week babysitting an enormous coffee cup. And you know what? When they finally move that enormous coffee cup into the stadium in a couple years, these fools are still going to spend the week outside, on their lawn chairs, huddled under blankets guarding the bronze replica statue formally known as the enormous coffee cup.

This year the game is here, so the residents of TunaVille must batten down the livestock and prepare for a lot of depressed corn to invade their fair city. Rioting is always a possibility, so I'm hoping anybody who doesn't want a crispy couch or a singed sofa has the sense to stash it in the back yard, rather than leaving it out at the end of the driveway. We'll all be hoping for a quiet day and a quieter night. I'm counting down the minutes until it's over and the fools have gone home for another year.
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