Monday, October 20, 2003

Cowboys, Shmowboys

So, Tracientx is over at her blog doing a big ole gloating two-step atop of my poor, pathetic Lions. Well, I might be more impressed with the Cowboys if, it wasn't the Lions. These days, the Lions would be seriously challenged by a PeeWee Flag Football league. Poor Kitties. I hope they aren't taking suckitude lessons from the Tigers. Want to bet how soon TinyTuna comes home saying "The Lions Suck"? Yeah, probably today.

Speaking of cowboys -- so what's up with this new The Next Joe Millionaire International deal? Oh my Lord. If you haven't checked out the ad, hop on over to the Fox website . It even has a sing-along theme song with light-up words so you don't get lost. Fox execs shout, "Spare no expense!" Yay us! While the fake Johnny Cash wannabe (shame on you) sings his baritone yee-haw song, a cartoon silhouette cowboy dude (all cowboys are dudes, aren't they) rides along the animated trail. In the background are cacti and other Southwest type things (excluding box cutters and silly putty). On the bottom of the screen you see a little dotted line along a map. In case he gets lost I guess. Suddenly, the cactus are gone and he's galloping past the Eiffel Tower! Woah there pardner -- I didn't see that horse jump over the Atlantic. Hrm. Maybe they're saving that for tonight's show.

Finally the cowboy arrives at the Fox website. He keeps changing from his Levi Strauss Yee-Haw clothes to Tuxedo Junction finery. I have no idea what that means. But I'm leaving it in. Moving along. He's got a bio. Oh joy. Now let's find out the real story.

Q - What are the most important qualities you look for a in a woman?
A - Athletic, honest, pure

Pure? Pure how, exactly? Ivory soap pure? Buddy, if you are going on a dating show, I'd think pure wouldn't be a high priority. Pure as the driven snow? I suggest you shoot for the driven on snow. Don't believe me? Ask Evan and toe-sucking Sarah. Slurrrp.

Q - Describe your perfect date.
A - A good girl that likes to do things. Talk & outside activities

Back to the "good girl" thing again. Buddy. Even the Swiss Miss is a hottie. But I love the rest of the sentence. "that likes to do things." What things? Half my brain screams X-rated answers. Half my brain mocks Cowboy Joe mercilessly. Half my brain thinks I should be working now. Shut up third half of my brain. "Do things." "Do things" as opposed to "do nothing?" I must admit that having coma girl for a date wouldn't be "good TV" (as they say in the biz), so I'll ride with you on that one.

Q - Do you want to have children someday, if so, how many?
A - Yes, but not anytime soon. I’m only 24 and that would be hard on my rodeo dream

International Ho-testant: "Oooh La La Cowboy Joe. Zee Amour eez zee toujours. Let us do things togezer.....Mmmmm, slurp.
Cowboy Joe: "Git along little dogie! Your buckaroo is hard on my rodeo dream. YeeeHaw!"

Q - What was your favorite part about being on Joe Millionaire?
A - I got to see the world and meet a great group of girls and learn culture/

Yes, that is what is says. "Learn culture/" Was it the end of a sentence? Did he mean cultural .... something? Learn the meaning of life? Learn how to jump his horse over the Atlantic ocean without being hard on his rodeo dream? Fox! Do not torment us so.

Q - What surprised you the most about the girls?
A - Different cultures, how they take things, greetings

Methinks Cowboy Joe and his horse don't get out much. Different cultures? Was he surprised there were cultures other than Texas? A world unto itself, I know. Ba-DUMP-bump. But the next statement really intriguess me. "How they take things." Back in the gutter I go! He can't really mean it that way, because then his international Ho-deo roundup wouldn't be too pure, now would they? I know. Maybe he means coffee. Greetings? I guess he hasn't seen Sesame Street. Or Dr. Seuss. Whatever. "Cat. Hat. In French Chat chapeau. In Spanish, Don Gato in a Sombrero. In German I'm a Katze in a Hut and dontcha know, I'm a bunka in a bunkakwunk in Eskimo!"

Q - If you actually were very wealthy, what would you do with the money?
A - Buy a ranch and cows and just raise cows and sell calves. Be a cowboy.

Did you notice anything missing in that answer? How about a female? Oops. I had better be more specific. How about a human female? Anyone? Anyone? Buehler?? Absent. Nosirree Bob. Cowboy Joe wants Cows. Buy a ranch. Buy a cow. Big cows. Little cows. Go cows, go. Cows on a ranch. Raise the cows. On the ranch. Sell the calves. On the ranch with the cows. Be a cowboy. With cows. On a ranch. Moooo.

Q - What's your favorite food?
A -Momma's porcupine balls. AKA stuffed peppers.

I make stuffed peppers. We call them "stuffed peppers". Momma's porcupine balls. I think Momma should team up with Chef. They could have a whole "ball" meal. Porcupine balls, and then Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls for Dessert. Yum. YeeHaw!

So, that's our boy. Cowboy Joe. Or Joe Cowboy. Actually his name is David Smith, but I think I'll call him Cowboy Joe. I didn't catch the name of his horse. But I'll catch it tonight at 8pm on Fox. The network of mind-numbing, mockery filled television. I love it.

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