Notable Quotables

First. Huzzah! It's Thursday and I'm not driving up north. My precious Scottish Tunas have a "Fall Break", which translates to "a long weekend", which means I get the day off. It's the halfway point of the semester. Time flies. Today at work I am going to finally compile the figures for my statistical fiction I talked about awhile ago. As soon as I finish writing. And running to the bathroom. And going to lunch. And answering questions. And. And. And. Who am I kidding?

Fact: Last fiscal year I sent 1613 items to be bound
Fiction: Each item took 10 minutes to process
Calculator: 16,130 minutes or ~270 hours
Monthly Average: 22.5 hours / month or ~5.5 hours per week.
You know. I think that sounds good. My work here is done.

Second. Cubs. Poor guys. Even in my limited interest of baseball I feel sorry for the Cubs. I even feel sorry for the poor Schlub who went for the pop fly and is now the whipping boy for the entire state of Illinois. Yes, hindsight says he should have kept his hands to himself. But if you check the instant replay, it certainly looks like there are about 15 pairs of hands going for the same ball. So, I think you should give the guy a break. Besides, it could be worse. Your team could be the Detroit Tigers. Pee-U!

So. TinyTuna. She was ticked off this morning. Why? Mean mom made her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for her lunch instead of the Holy Spaghetti-O's of Antioch "with meat" (meaning hot dogs). Why, mean mom? Why do you treat your child so poorly? Because she has been warned that she needs to empty out her lunch box every day and get her Spaghetti-O thermos thing in the sink to be washed. She already got her "I forgot" mulligan earlier this week. So today, the threat stuck like peanut butter to the roof of your mouth (MWFFFWH!). And she was mad. Too bad. She knows I don't make threats without carrying through. I bet she'll remember her thermos from now on. Or at least for a good long while. This mom thing -- the being in charge, rule maker thing is interesting to me. Not in a Napoleonic "Thank God I finally have someone to boss around" kind of way. More in a "what I say goes" kind of way. So I have to be careful what I say.

If you have kids, this probably makes sense. If you have a dog, well, you still get to be the master and be in charge, but you could make up whatever words you wanted. For instance, you say "NEE!", and your dog would bring your slippers. Or a shrubbery. Your commands have power, but the actual words? Not so important. If you have a cat, well you can forget everything. Cats don't have masters. Cats have a staff. You can say whatever you want to a cat, and it will either roll over and go back to sleep or say, "Were you talking to me? You were? Ah, good. Now that I have your attention, bring me some kitty treats. And my scratching post. And my little fishing pole toy with the feather on the end. And my slippers. NEE!" You see, it's just not the same.

But when it comes to kids, what you say counts. And how you say it counts too. One of the most horrifying days of early motherhood came when I uttered "that which shall not be spoken." TinyTuna and I were no doubt going around and around about something or other. Most likely I either wanted her to do or didn't want her to do something while she wanted the opposite. She would be saying "But why?" a lot in this conversation. Finally out of exasperation, I blurted out "Because I said so!!" Gasp. It was the sentence. The dreaded sentence. The hated sentence from my childhood. And I said it.

And it felt good.

It felt good. It felt good because I was out of reasons. I was tired of the circular conversation. I wanted it to end. So I said it. "Because I said so" is the ultimate parental armor. Kids will do anything to find a breach in your defense. Everything they do or say is a tiny attack *Pwang!*--> ricocheting off your parental armor --|*THUNK*.

Q "Mom, can I have TWO Kit Kats in my lunch (huge cheezy smile) *PWANG!*-->
A No. --|*THUNK*

Q"Mom, can I stay up an extra half hour? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?" *PWANG!*--> *PWANG!*--> *PWANG!*-->
A No. --|*THUNK*

Q "PLEASE?" *PWANG!*-->
A NO. --|*THUNK*

Q "Pretty Pleeeze?" *PWANG!*-->
A NO! --|*THUNK*

Q "But whyyyyyeeeeee not?? *PWANG!*-->
A Because.I.Said.So. ----| |||WHUUMMMP|||

Block of concrete. It's the ultimate defense. It's Volcano in Rock-Paper-Scissors. Game over.

And I don't know what it is that makes it so powerful. Maybe it is instinct. I think most kids know there is no use in going any further. Most kids know that attempting to breach the block of concrete "Because I said so" defense, would prompt the FirstName-MiddleName-LastName (or just "Buster" in my house which was equally ominous) anvil of great big trouble.

Most Kids know. But TinyTuna? She knows the game. She knows how to work around it (*PWANG!*-->) so she won't draw the block of concrete defense. She managed to figure out, at an early age, how to keep asking for something, but in a slightly different manner every time I say no.

TinyTuna It sure is hot out here.
GreenTuna Yes, it is.
TinyTuna Are you hot, mom?
GreenTuna Yep, I am.
TinyTuna Would you like some ice cream? *PWANG!*-->
GreenTuna No thanks. It's close to dinnertime. --| *THUNK*
TinyTuna Ok. Can I have some? *PWANG!*-->
GreenTuna No. It's close to dinnertime. --| *THUNK*
TinyTuna Can we go to the park and play?
GreenTuna Maybe we could go for a few minutes.
TinyTuna When we go, can we enjoy some ice cream because it's so hot? *PWANG!*-->
GreenTuna No. It's too close to dinnertime. --| *THUNK*
TinyTuna Don't you think it's nice to enjoy a cool refreshment when it's hot? *PWANG!*-->
GreenTuna Yes I do. --| *THUNK*
TinyTuna Are you sure you wouldn't like to cool down with some ice cream? *PWANG!*-->
GreenTuna No Thank You. It's too close to dinner. --| *THUNK*
TinyTuna Could I have just a little? Pleeeeeze? *PWANG!*-->
GreenTuna ASKED AND ANSWERED. --||||||| CRASH |||||||

Asked and Answered. My ultimate defense. TinyTuna hates "Asked and Answered" even more than "Because I Said So." And the best thing? It's an original. It doesn't happen often, but every once in awhile, being Volcano is a good thing. And you can quote me on that.
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